(I'm thinking of turning the Rob stories into a book. This chapter contains all of the old stuff and a god bit of new additions)
Chapter One â"€ Rob Gets All Worked Up Over Maid Marian And Does Something Stupid.
Robin Hood was taking his spring bath in the river when he saw what looked to him like a turd floating past. He saw that it was a very large turd. He jumped out of the river and screamed, "Rob!" He had told Rob time and time again not to take a crap upstream. He also told him to try to stay downwind as much as possible. It seems Rob had a flatulence problem. He also seemed to have some sort of a hearing problem. He seemed to hear but then do something else. Perhaps, Robin thought, just perhaps he could hear better if he had no ears.
When Robin Hood got back to the camp he called for Rob. When Rob came over he looked clean and so did his clothes. Robin Hood had to ask,"Rob, where did thou get thy clothes? Ye usually wear some raggedy old garbage ye stole o" a scarecrow."
Rob told him he had robbed a rich merchant on the road. The clothes were a little baggy but , then, so was his body. Robin Hood asked why he was all dressed up when he had no place to go.
Rob said, "Be beggin" ye pardon. I 'ave a hot date tonight if ye must know."
"I"m Robin Hood. I always need to know. Who, pray tell, would be seen with the likes of ye. Nothing personal, just the way it is, or rather, ye are."
"Why, it be that woman tied to that tree over there."
"Rob, we 'ave spoken of thus many a time. You can"t just kidnap a woman and try to woo 'er! It doesn"t work and makes ye out to be a cad, sir."
"Alright, I"ll let her go. Seems we ought to 'ave extra women 'ere."
Later that night Rob was standing back away from the party that Robin Hood and his Merry Men- and women- were having. They were all drinking mead and feasting and drinking mead and dancing and drinking mead and going into the bushes. Into the bushes. Rob thought about that and got a reaction. For one moment, one horrible, shameful moment, he wondered if anyone was watching the goat shed. A goat isn"t a woman but neither was his hand.
"I say, lad-" This startled Rob to the point he fell flat on his butt. Little John reached a hand down to help him up and couldn"t help but notice that Rob was reacting to something other than being startled. It was a somewhat big reaction.
"'ere, 'ere, lad, I didn"t not mean to startle ye so. I say, old boy, did I interrupt something or are ye hiding a ham in your britches? If you are you could have put that small thing- well, lad, umm. Well, hmm- ." Little John looked at the goat shed and wondered if the lad was thinking of going in there. Rob could be a little odd, perhaps a pervert, or just desperate. Little John, when younger had a relationship with a cow. He wasn"t going to judge the lad.
"Umm, uh, no, umm, I, uh-" Did Little John suspect? More importantly, would he say anything to anyone?
"Never ye mind. Robin 'ood sent me to find you. He wants to speak to ye."
"Me? He never wants to talk to me unless there"s trouble with something I said or did."
"Too true, lad, too true. I do not believe that Master Robin likes ye much. This bloody muff-up with Alan-A-Dale pissed 'im off. I thought Alan-A-Dale would kill ye when ye asked if he and his 'lady of the night" were 'aving a good time. Good thing Friar Tuck-"
"I meant 'lady of the evening". I slipped up."
"You bloody well did. He smashed 'is lute on ye 'ead. Enough! Robin 'ood wants to see ye. Let us make 'aste. Pip-pip and all that. He would like to spend some, er, time with Maid Marion. Maiden, my arse. Let us move swiftly to him, avoiding Alan-A-Dale." Enough! Robin 'ood wants to see ye. Let us make 'aste. Pip-pip and all that. He would like to spend some, er, time with Maid Marion. Maiden, my arse. Let us move swiftly to him, avoiding Alan-A-Dale."
Alan-A-Dale was singing to Scarlett Scarlet, Will scarlet"s sister. She was a fresh young beauty. Alan -A-Dale would have loved to put a move on her but he was scared of Will, the best swordsman in the band. He"d kill Alan-A-Dale if he so much as laid a hand on his sister much less actually laid her. Scarlett was reasonably impressed by the troubadour. His voice was pleasing and his songs were romantic. She felt herself getting a little wet. She wondered why Alan-A-Dale didn"t take her out into the bushes. Was he one of those sissy boys?
As they approach Robin Hood, Rob notices Gay dePoof with a woman. He looks at Little John and says to him,"That"s the end, it is. 'im? Not me? Kill me. Put me free of my misery."
"Nay, Gay dePoof is only trying it to see what the bloody fuss is about. I see where thou doth come from, though. Bloody waste of a woman. Now, let us be seeing Robin 'ood, my good man." Little John wouldn"t have minded killing him, though. That would put the Merry Men out of their misery as well as most of the women. Little John was gentle by nature but something about Rob brought out homicidal tendencies in him.
Robin Hood was sitting with Maid Marianas they approached. Robin Hood stood up and told Little John to have a seat. Robin Hood didn"t like Little John standing and making him look small. He didn"t invite Rob to sit. "I say, Rob, I 'ave a quest for ye. Not for me exactly so much as for Maid Marion."
Rob looked Maid Marian and would have sworn she winked at him. Him! He fell in love with her. He would do anything for her. He would die for her. Of course, if he ever made a move on her he would die. Robin Hood would see to that.
Maid Marian was stunning. She had long, blond hair and pouty lips. Her eyes were as green as the glen. Her breasts were very large and, with the low cut of her dress, stood out like beacons in the night. She looked at Rob and drew her chest up to show her breasts at their best. Her breast at their best was quite a sight.
Rob almost lost control of his excitement. He quickly took his cap off and laid it on his lap. Everyone knew why he did that but everyone pretended they didn"t. Maid Marian glanced at the cap and winked at Rob again!
"I want ye to go to the Land Of Enchantment and-"
"Are ye bloody mad, Robin? No man 'as gone there and returned. I"ll not be the first. Want ye like to know why? Because I will not try. There." This woman may have Robin Hood wrapped around her little finger but he wasn"t Robin Hood. Wait, that doesn"t sound right even in my head.
"I say, Rob, when ye does speak to me ye should address me as Master "›ood. Ye are a bit cheeky to call me Robin." Robin hood often wondered how it was that Rob was in his band of Merry men. Seemed to involve a drunken feast .
"Oh, Rob, thou dost break my heart. I so thought thou was the one man I could depend on for 'elp", Maid Marian said, pulling a curl of her hair across her lips and smiling at Rob.
"Well, I could go if it be important to thee." Oh, crap! Now he had gone and done it. Marian was by far the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She filled many of his dreams, some while awake and adding to he excitement of the moment. She certainly didn"t look like any of the goats.
"Good show, my good man, bloody good show. Now, be forewarned that ye may well come upon The Lady of the Lake. Take care, Rob. Do not take, or try to take, liberties with 'er. If ye do she will rip ye gonads off and give them to 'er dogs to play with." Robin Hood wanted Rob to be aware of the danger he faced. He wanted him to worry about it.
"Oh, tish and tosh. I 'ave yet to meet a woman I could not 'andle. I-"
"Ye 'as confidence ye should not 'ave. Not if 'istory be believed", Little John said.
"I 'ave great confidence in ye, Little John. With ye at my side-"
"Me? I shan't be with thee. I wouldn"t go for all the gold in the world. I am not ye." Rob must be goofy to think Little John was going there.
"Okay, I"ll go." He made that decision like all his decisions- with little or no thought. He hoped his luck held out.
"Good show, lad! Bloody good show! They will sing great ballads of ye. Alan-A-Dale will make ye famous. Well, mayhaps not Alan_A-Dale. He does not like thee."
"Little John, show Rob the star he must follow to the Land of Enchantment." With that Robin hood turned his attentions back to the beautiful Maid Marion. He put Rob completely out of his mind.
As Rob and Little John left Robin Hood, Little John suggested they go over to the glen. It would be easier to point out the right star that way. As they walked along, Little John told Rob his quest was foolish. "›You seem to think if ye return the trinket to Maid Marion, she will reward you by giving you a little bit. Nonsense. The Lady wouldn"t give you a good sniff."
Rob didn"t believe that but he did believe Little John might crush his spleen if he disagreed. Little John did say that if his quest wasn"t successful that Alan-A-Dale would write a great ballad about it. That was something at least.
"I think Alan-A-Dale doth not care for me. It"s hard to believe he"d write a ballad about me, Little John."
"Nay. Lad, Alan-A-Dale doth not like ye alive. Dead, he would love thee. Another thing. Lad, ye need to watch ye step."
"Oh. I Know that. I-"
"Ye does not seem to know it at all. For instance, do ye know ye are standing in a pile of goat shit? I think not, lad."
Rob looked down because he didn"t know it. Sure enough, his right foot was ankle deep in a large pile of loose goat shit. He immediately pulled his foot free. That was all fine and well except his foot came out of the boot and he stepped right back into the goat shit, slipping and sliding, falling on his back and ending up with a goat-shit pillow.
Little John told him he"d "not be 'elping him up."
Rob, not thinking, reached out to push himself up getting goat shit right up to the elbows. He slipped and fell face-first in the pile. He managed to get to his feet with shit dripping off his arm and off his head down his back both inside and outside his shirt. He was also wearing a shit-beard.
Rob was miserable now. Little John told him he"d best get on with his quest rather than go back to camp and give Alan-A-Dale something new to sing about. He"d be sure to run into a creek to clean up. Rob agreed. The last thing Rob was going to do was return to camp covered in shit and be made the butt of jokes.
Little John pointed out the star he was to follow."Follow it and you will reach the land of enchantment. Nay, follow it and ye will be going in the right direction. Whether thee reach the Land of Enchantment is another matter indeed."
Rob looked at the star and said to Little John, "That one?"
Little John cuffed Rob along side his head and told him, "No. Pay attention. It"s the one next to it."
"Okay, I see it now. Thank you for-"
Little John was gone.
Rob started off on his quest, hoping to find a creek soon.