My Story

My story
You don't know me
Unless you know my story
Me is more than an identity
Me is more than this body

Like a chronicle
It is full of stories that unpredictable
Not only about the struggle
Sometimes also surprising miracle

Everyone writes their own destiny
Everyone deserves to get their own remedy
All I notice that those who keep their pace steady
The rest will be written in history

Comments

Aidan F

Commented Sep 22, 2018, 11:09:09 PM

The plot for your Prologue is really good along with your imagery. There are only a couple of things that I see could be wrong with this writing. If you are writing a tween's story, describing the king as pure evil. However, from the way you wrote this story I do not believe it was meant for tweens, so I would try to make the King three dimensional, because even the devil, Satin, himself was good at one point, but then fell from heaven. The three-dimensionality is what makes a story so interesting. Also, I saw some possible diction errors with the way you were writing this story such as in this line, "A low hum of unrest continues through the crowd, and King Liam nods to his guard captain." I don't think hum is the right word for this setting. You could maybe put in Buzz instead. Overall your prologue was a great yet chilling part to the story. I am excited to see what's next.

AlexScribe

Commented Sep 29, 2018, 7:46:33 AM

Vanna, an extremely interesting beginning very well presented. Little more to say except hurry up with what follows. Write on.

'... but the tension is too high and the crowd is too irritable.' 'irritable' seems far too week a word here -- maybe something like 'outraged' or 'incensed' or ??

As an aside, this site has a peculiarity in that tabs and initial spaces in the original are omitted from the posted version others see. Check the difference between 'edit' and 'read' versions of your story on your 'manage writings' list. The result is that paragraphs run together which makes reading tedious at times. We usually handle this by leaving a blank line between paragraphs. Crude but it works.

kt6550

Commented Oct 10, 2018, 10:05:42 PM

Okay, I have a problem or two with this. First: Double-space! It is a hell of a lot easier on the eyes.

Second: This is more like a chapter than a prologue. A prologue should be a teaser; a hint of what is to come in the main story itself. This, I believe, would be an acceptable first chapter.

Please continue with this story.

vannarose25

Commented Oct 29, 2018, 4:44:34 PM

Thank you all so much for the feedback! As a first time writer I’m still trying to figure a lot of things out, and I appreciate any criticism. I’m making some changes to the prologue now, and will better format my posts in the future. Thanks again!

A prose poem by

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