Lost Seedlings

A came across
lost seedlings,
abandoned in a musty
bin of a garage.

Then heard
a meek mist pleading,
"Oh fern soil, praise them
with your yard."

Douse kaleidoscope
cool droplets,
those days
scorched furnace dark;

And clover-cove
when frigid snow
abrades
their glinting spark.

Comments

yuly marina

Commented Dec 6, 2016, 10:59:23 AM

If it is true why
I keep in this situation

@meesakfitri those two sentences make me confuse to interpret the meaning of this poem. Maybe you have to pay close attention to the punctuation. Overall, I can sense your emotion.

seventhson

Commented Dec 6, 2016, 1:00:48 PM

I think the word "keep" in this sentence --> "I keep in this situation" better be replaced by the word "trapped" :)

risuta

Commented Dec 7, 2016, 6:44:30 AM

The mixed tenses and grammatical errors may confuse the readers. For example: I trapped in the depth of confusion. I assume that it's supposed to be I was trapped, because you don't intentionally put yourself in such position, do you?

I suggest that you get an editor or a proofreader to read your draft. It's good, but it can be so much better. Keep up the good work. :)

Meesafiktri

Commented Dec 8, 2016, 4:05:01 AM

@Yuli marina: I think, it is simple sentence that easy to understand the meaning. Please,Try to re-read. If you still don't get the point, I will explain it if you want :D
In my opinion, in writing a poem we don't need to pay attention. Someone in this forum told me, "In writing poems, it is allowed to break all grammar rules. It is just to make the aesthetic beauty of the poems. Poe has also argued in his essay "The Poetic Principle" (1850)."

Meesafiktri

Commented Dec 8, 2016, 4:09:36 AM

@ seventhson: So, it will be like this "I trapped in this situation", right?
I think your suggestion is attractive. After I read again, my poem is better using that word. Thank you for your suggestion. Any other word that you suggest to change?

seventhson

Commented Dec 8, 2016, 3:31:18 PM

@Meesafiktri

Nope :) I only suggest you to change one word in your poem. Overall, it is good.

yuly marina

Commented Dec 10, 2016, 2:48:39 AM

@meesakfitri Yaaa I know that an easy structure and I understand about it, but maybe you have to pay attention to the punctuation. Perhaps, you can put the word "why" before "I keep in this situation"

kt6550

Commented Mar 9, 2017, 1:10:31 AM

You need a bit of punctuation here, and also a few stanza breaks. Other than that, not bad.

A prose poem by

Lonelyhearts1224

Lost Seedlings

Comments

yuly marina

seventhson

risuta

Meesafiktri

Meesafiktri

seventhson

yuly marina

kt6550

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