Don Roble Avatar
A general fiction story by

Don Roble

Submitted Mar 13, 2016, 6:54:50 PM


Lonnie always told people that living in Kansas had many advantages. For starters, no worrying about whether or not lightning was going to hit the tree and have it fall on the house. There are no trees in Kansas. You"re lucky to see a tall shrub. Lots of lightning but no trees. The lightning might hit you but you won"t cause the roof to cave in.

"Well, I got struck again", Clyde said. He said it very casually as if it were an everyday occurrence. It wasn"t or he"d be dead. It was a regular occurrence though.

"Guessing that"s why you"re shaking so much", Lonnie said. Clyde was shaking do much you"d think he was having a fit.

"Huh? You"re the one shaking, not me."

There"s the weather. it"s very predictable. It"s always bad. Too much winter, too much summer, not enough rain. It never changes. Mark Twain was either wrong or never lived in Kansas. The weather report is always rerun.

"Well, folks, the weather is going to be bad. It"s going to be bad for the next week. That"s as far ahead as I want to predict", the local weatherman would say. Don"t have to worry about keeping up with the Jones" in Kansas, Toto. The Jones are just as poor as you unless they moved to California. It"s possible they hadn"t planned on moving there. They may have gotten there courtesy of a tornado.

"Havin" a right poor year", Clyde said.

"Well, so am I", Lonnie replies. That"s just about it for conversation. There"s nothing else to talk about in Kansas except for tornadoes. Tornadoes can move your truck someplace else. It can move your house someplace else. It can move your land someplace else.

Lots of corn in Kansas. Corn cakes for breakfast and lunch and dinner. The good side is, corn liquor for drowning your sorrows and you"ll have plenty of them. Good thing you have the corn liquor since you can"t find enough water in Kansas to drown a fly.

"Jeez, my land"s so dry you can fall in the cracks", Clyde said.

"I did. That"s how I found my tractor ", Lonnie told him.

Incidentally, Toto knew this wasn"t Kansas. He was glad of that. When he and Dorothy got back to Kansas, Toto bit Dorothy and ran off. Toto wouldn"t piss on Kansas. They don"t tell you that part of the story. Driving across Kansas is a snap. You get to the state line, put the cruise control on, lock the wheel, lean back and go to sleep. It"s perfectly safe. There are no curves in Kansas. Even the women don"t have curves in Kansas. Great birth control method.

"Say, Lonnie, I finally got a tv. Did you know there are women in other places that don"t look like us men?", Clyde said.

"Yea? So?", Lonnie said.

"Well, I was getting some strange thoughts. I liked them too", Clyde said.

"Well, maybe I ought to get one of them women don"t look like me ", Lonnie told him.

"You got a wife, Lonnie", Clyde responded.

"Oh, yea, her."


kt6550 Avatar


Commented Mar 24, 2016, 10:21:04 PM
lmao! Now I have a yen to visit Kansas!
Nequam95 Avatar


Commented Aug 24, 2016, 10:39:49 AM
Interesting. As a European, I dont know much about Kansas, but it seems right in my opinion. I think a bit more story would be useful in here, but its completely fine in its own merits.