Oxnard Montalvo Avatar
A general fiction roleplay by

Oxnard Montalvo

Submitted Aug 20, 2017, 6:15:35 PM

Jon Davis

The door opened to a young man wearing a pin striped suit. He had short cropped hair and was clean shaven to match is youthful appearance. As he walked through the door he noticed how clean and bright the interior of the office was. He stood next to the chair across from the desk and waited for a sign or signal to be seated.

A rough but calm voice was heard from the opposite end of the desk “what are you waiting for?”

The young man hesitated for a moment before he seated himself . He sat up straight ready to answer any questions that may come. Across the desk in a fine leather chair was an older man; with a receding hairline that made him look almost bald. His white mustache and wrinkles around his eyes showed that he was a man in his fifties or even older.

To the left of him was a man leaning against the wall. He looked to be in his mid thirties, he was well groomed with a clean cut and a fresh shaven face. he wore a dark suit that fitted him well. his stance and appearance indicated that he was a man expediency.

“Do you know who we are? the old man had asked.

“yes, sir I d....”

Before he could finish his answer the younger man leaning against the wall leaped forward “Whoa! wait a fucking moment. let’s get this straight, you don’t know a fucking thing. Alright!”

There was a moment of pregnant silence as the man leaned over the desk with both hands to tower over the young man.

The old man calmly said “This is Staff Sgt. Summers, you’ll have to get use to his .... unique style”. He continued “I am Captain Smith.”

“Yes, sir I am aware of who you are.” Replied the young man.

“Okay, then tell me about yourself, why do you think your here?” Smith asked in a low toned voice.

“My name is Jon Davis, Trooper number 899671. I was requested to this meeting but was not given any reason for this meeting” He wasn’t sure what else to add.

“We have a simple question for you, Do you want to be a policeman? It’s an honest question. Some guys just wanna wear the badge and hold a gun” Smith said

“Yeah, and some guys wanna just smash a black guys head in for the fun of it” added Summers.

Jon raised up his hand towards Summers, “With all due respect, I don’t need your commentary “

Summers lead even further forward towards Jon ” What did you say!?”

Jon stared at Summers and then looked to Smith, “what do you want from me?

Summers raised his voice as he shouted ”don’t look to him, he can’t help you, I’m the only one here who can help you and the soon you know this the better”

Smith asked again in a concise and calm tone.”Do you want to be a policemen or just act like one?

Jon didn't hesitate to answer “yes, that's what I've been training and working towards for years”

“You received the highest score across the board in all your examinations, and your psychological test shows that you could do anything you want. A year from now you could be anything but you aren’t gonna be a cop. We need you for something more, something bigger” Smith said with a hint of pride.

“here's your chance to serve the people, that's what you wanted right?” Summered said in a consolatory manner.


Rob Kosy Avatar

Rob Kosy

Commented Sep 3, 2017, 7:21:50 PM
I'll get the negatives out of the way first.
There are a lot of typos, spelling mistakes and missing words. For example: "his stance and appearance indicated that he was a man expediency."
Also lots of capital letters missing at the beginning of sentences. However these are all aspects that can be corrected.

The piece itself was very good and intriguing. The classic good cop/ bad cop scenario, made all the more interesting by the fact that everyone in the room was a cop (I assume).

What are they going to make him do? Will it conflict with his beliefs or conduct code? Will he do it? Are they setting him up? Your story asked me all of these questions and made me want to know.

For me, that's a winner, my friend.
Daniel Harrison Avatar

Daniel Harrison

Commented Sep 6, 2017, 7:13:54 PM
This is a great little scene. Rob Kosy has already mentioned the negatives. Like he said though, the intrigue you build by the end is almost as unbearable for the reader as I imagine it is for Jon Davies.
kt6550 Avatar


Commented Sep 14, 2017, 9:00:40 PM
Kosy kind of hit on everything I was going to say. You need to edit.

Also, is this the start of something longer?
AlexScribe Avatar


Commented Sep 16, 2017, 10:29:51 AM
Drew me in despite all the typos. You should proof read a day or so after you write; otherwise you cheat yourself by not showing your work in its best form. OK, that said, this has got to lead somewhere, and I want to go along for the ride.