Routh Avatar
A general fiction roleplay by


Submitted May 3, 2009, 2:28:09 AM

Explosions, Economics, and Entertainment

[Scene opens to Elijah Archers complex somewhere near Mallorytown, Ontario. A vehicle delivery truck backs down the driveway with a brand new Lotus on the bed. The truck stops and the driver gets out and unloads the new car, backing it onto the driveway.]

The delivery man pulls the car back to the center of the driveway, right between the house and the car garage, filled with Elijah's precious cars that he hasn't yet managed to destroy. He gets out of the car, leaving the keys in it so Elijah can find them when he gets home. He turns, about to leave, but he decides to take one more loving glance at the beaut he just dropped off.

The Lotus Type 72D is a prime example of engineering at its finest. It's appearance is part Corvette, part Porshe, and all sexy. Gold plated rims, black and gold interior, jet black paint job and a removable top make up it's appearance. The body is made from a durable composite fiberglass, and under the hood is a 190 Horsepower 1.8 Liter, Mid-Mounted 4-Cylinder with DOHC.

The delivery man lets out a low whistle as he looks it over. Suddenly he becomes aware that the light on the garage has come on because it's gotten dark out. How long was he just staring at that car? He shakes his head at himself. "I better drop the truck off and get home before the wife kills me." He jumps into his truck and drives off, leaving the car sitting in the driveway unattended. After all, Elijah is on his way to Portland for his Thursday night match-up.

If anyone was around, they would have heard the sound of what could have been mistaken for a jet, only it was in flames and travelling straight for the ground at insane speeds. The deflector dish from Cernaek's shuttlecraft comes streaking though the night, straight for Elijah's newest toy. Still spinning end over end, with a razor sharp edge, it slices straight through the middle of the car from front to back, slamming into the ground underneath and causing a massive impact explosion under the car. The car, now split in half, goes flying from the blast. One half goes flying staight over the house, and smashes through Elijahs glass enclosed heated swimming pool, displacing half the water as it enters the pool, and cracking the cement in the bottom of it. The other half flies towards the garage, almost missing it. It catches the corner of the roof as it passes, ripping half the roof off the building as it sails into a field an rips a skidmark that would make Fat Albert jealous.

Now that was enough damage, but the explosion wasn't done, a half second after the car pieces launched, the explosion sent a shockwave that was powerful enough to blow out every window in Elijahs house, and leave any side of any building facing the impact crater become charred black.

[The scene pans around the area, to the destroyed pool, the skid mark in Elijah's archery range, and finally centering on the smoldering crater. The camera zooms in and fades to black, but as it does we see that the deflector dish has remained intact and undamaged thanks to it's durable makeup and internal shielding.]

[Scene changes to the inside of the shuttlecraft, with Mars prominent on the viewscreen. Julie is stilling at the front, looking frunstrated and tired. A bandage can be seen on her head where an injury from the crash was patched. Cernaek is crouched down at the back, head stuck into a panel, working away with a laser-welder and a tricorder.]

Cernaek pulls his head from the hole and looks forward to Julie, "Try the navigational relay now Lieutenant."

Julie pushes some buttons on her console and a smile comes across her face as the navigational controls light up and the impulse engines begin warming. "Well at least we can move now, but without the deflector dish I can only scan as far as Earth and the asteroid field. We can't go to warp without it, and we definitely can't recreate the chronometric field that sent us back in time without it. Looks like we're going to have to land on Earth, find the deflector and repair the shuttle before we can have any hope of getting home Commander."

Cernaek stands and replaces the panel he removed to do the repair. He grimaces as he thinks about the situation. "Well, the upside is we didn't end up in the dinosaur age, and we aren't dealing with humans from the dark ages. In 2008 humans had started to become quite advanced, but still hadn't really started exploring space yet. So I should be able to find the supplies I need to do the repairs, and we should be able to land without them detecting us. However Earth is deep in the age of capitalism at this point in time. We're going to need money, and a lot of it, to get the supplies we need." Cernaek strokes his goti as he walks to the front of the shuttle, thinking. "At any rate, Lieutenant, set a course for Earth and we'll figure out more once we land and I have a better look at the exterior of the shuttle."

"Aye aye, Commander." says the Lieutenant, as she engages the impulse drive.

[The scene moves to the exterior of the shuttle as they leave Mars orbit and head straight for earth. The scene fades and comes back upon the commander who is scanning the front of the shuttle with his tricorder and making notes on a computer PADD. Julie can be seen walking back towards him from somewhere in the thick bush. The tall trees of the Pacific North-West can be seen all around them as they seem to be in the middle of nowhere.]

Julie walks up to the shuttle and sits on a rock, stretching her slender figure out as she sighs from exhaustion. A beautiful girl, Julie had managed to make out alright in the city without any money. All she had to do was smile, and stare right at the guys with her bright blue eyes and they became mush in her hand, willing to follow her around like puppy dogs and do her bidding. Julie sits upright as she looks at the commander, "Well, you parked far enough away from anything to make people weirded out by dropping me off in the middle of no where, but I suppose it's for the best."

Cernaek stands and stretches. He had removed his Starfleet jacket and red command shirt, and was working in his grey standard issue muscle tee. His sheer size was far more evident than usual, with his massive arms and chest now clearly evident. He tossed the PADD and tricorder on the seat in the shuttle before joining Julie on the rocks and answering. "We need to keep the shuttle hidden, we can't risk changing time radically by allowing people from this era to get ahold of our technology. I chose the forests of British Columbia because they were still largely untouched and wild at this point in time, and I'm familiar with the area because I grew up on Earth in Vancouver. Albeit, in the future. What did you manage to find out? Any ways we can make some quick money?"

Julie tries to suppress a smirk as she looks at the paper in her hand and then eyes the commanders muscular frame. "Well, I did in fact... you might not like it, but I'm going to enjoy it."

Commander Routh rolls his eyes as he hears that, and facepalms. "Oh no.... why don't I like the sound of that?"

Julie can't help but smile. "Well, I got thinking about all those fancy Vulcan martial arts you know, and had to be trained in. Vulcan martial arts are known as having great finesse, and being devastatingly effective. Plus you're a larger than average individual." She pauses to eye him up one more time, having never seen him out of uniform before. "Do you remember what my favorite sport to watch on the Federation TV Network is?" she asks in a non-serious tone.

Cernaek raises a brow as he thinks about that for a moment. Suddenly the memory comes forward and a look of disbelief and realization comes across his face. "Intergalactic Wrestling Championships? Tell me you're not thinking...."

Julie laughs a bit as she hands the flyers for both GOW and MWA over to Cernaek. "I'm not just thinking about it, I didn't feel like making more than one trip, so I've already signed you up. You have an MWA match tomorrow night. The money is great, and it will keep you in shape at the same time."

Cernaek just gapes at the flyers for a second before saying, "I'm an alien! Or at least half alien... look at my ears Julie! Do you think they're going to just say, 'Hmmm thats a weird birth defect...' ?"

Lieutenant Brown stands and just shakes her head. "Did you look at those posters? They have a freak that thinks he's a werewolf in there. And look at this 'Archer' freak... if he's not dressed like Rambo, he thinks he's fucking Robin Hood... complete with a bow and tights! Besides, you were blessed with red blood, so it's not like you're going to be bleeding green all over the mat... they'll just think you're another freak in a costume."

Cernaek stands as well, and puts the posters down on the rock as he walks towards a clearing. "Well, I guess I better practice, because we need that money. But I'm not liking this, not one bit." He grabs the tricorder and the PADD and hands them to the Lieutenant. "Keep checking the shuttle over, I want every spec of damage documented so it can be fixed. I don't want to forget something and end up even further back in time when finally try to go home." Julie grimaces as she takes the equipment. "Hey, don't give me that look Lieutenant, you just gave me something else I need to do." He walks away, towards the clearing. Just before he gets out of earshot, he says "And thanks by the way..."

Julie looks up and asks "For what?"

Cernaek replies with a snide, almost sarcastic tone. "For implying I'm a freak." He continues to walk out of earshot before Julie can reply.

Julie facepalms, "Smooth Julie, smooth... piss off your superior officer."

[The scene closes with Julie working on the shuttle, and Cernaek practicing spin kicks in the nearby opening as the camera pans up and away from the area and fades to black. The last thing shown on the screen is a shot of the MWA poster.]


W namsom Avatar

W namsom

Commented Sep 2, 2016, 10:40:45 AM
It almost felt like I have this kind of story many times. Their was nothing new or original in this story. But the way you tell your story is smooth, and easy to understand.
 Just my view.
Nequam95 Avatar


Commented Sep 2, 2016, 12:21:03 PM
Thank your very much for your review! What do you think, how could I make it more original? What would make the concept and the plot itself better in your opinion?
phillips_brian Avatar


Commented Sep 3, 2016, 3:16:26 AM
The flow seemed to switch back and forth between an action scene, and a character telling a story that happened far in the past. Also, the relationship details with Sylvana were kind of dismissed. There seems to be a lot of backstory here (e.g. How did the Japanese Lords take over her home world?), but I have no idea what it is. Probably needs one or two more times through the revision mill, but this story has promise.
Don Roble Avatar

Don Roble

Commented Sep 4, 2016, 10:34:49 PM
I wouldn't worry too much about originality. The last original idea came from Jules Verne. They say there are only seven different plots in fiction.

It's not the story but how you tell it:
A man slips on a banana peel.
A man steps over a banana peel and falls into a hole.

Throw in something unexpected to keep the reader's attention. You don't want the reader to be ahead of you. Don't worry about a linear story. Go a bit off the path but don't get lost. There are always sidebar stories in any writing if you want to go there.

Avoid repetitive words. That's an easy trap to fall into.

As to editing, I edit my stories as often as need be. I edit until I know it's the best I can do. One edit for spelling; one for grammar; one for structure; one for flow. That's one way to do it.

When you finish, leave it alone for a week. Read it again. Is it as good as you thought? Don't look for perfection, look for your best.

Write your own style. It has to be readable and follow normal rules but be yourself and write as naturally as you can. I write short sentences and short paragraphs like Hemingway did. I'm not him. It my style and his style.
Nequam95 Avatar


Commented Sep 5, 2016, 4:19:09 PM
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it! I think the first chapter of a book should be as good as possible, so if someone says there is nothing new or original in it, I really get curious about the reasons behind it. It can be the concept itself or maybe I've just presented it in a bad way, I don't know that. But I do know that a bad first chapter can kill a book right in the beginning, which would be sad in my opinion. This is the reason why I've uploaded it before I wrote anything else to the book. Right now I can change - and I am willing - to change almost everything in here in order to write it right. So I think this is the perfect time to collect as many constructive criticism about it as possible :)
aSin Avatar


Commented Sep 6, 2016, 12:16:07 PM
I'm an overall sucker for a love story... even with the sci-fi background, I love that the main character is doing what his heart pulls him to. Great first piece I would say, don't worry too much about familiarity to other stories. Everyone writes something similar, its all in the way you get it across. Keep it up
kt6550 Avatar


Commented Sep 14, 2016, 10:04:00 PM
You have got an awful lot going on here in Chapter 1. I could easily break this into three chapters, fill in the missing backstory, and add a bit of color and detail.

Why not give that a try?