NicoleSlendid Avatar
A general fiction story by


Submitted May 18, 2011, 7:12:02 AM

An Un-named Story of Interest (Pt.1)(Cutshort)


Joel, Joel, Joel...


Joel was a farmhand, working for Old Man Montgomery on Derryland Drive for the summer.

He had dark brown, farmer-tanned arms. He has an upper body of an athlete, his shoulder muscles were solid and permanently flexed. He had a broad chest, with just the right amount of thick, black chest hair that flattened and clung to his sweat-soaked skin. His middle section, my favorite, was thick--he, by far, was not thin. There was "meat on his bones" as my Granny liked to say.

He enjoyed sports but preferred to draw. Nothing specific, just simple things like birds, food....tables. Whatever he saw, given the time, he drew with excellent detail.

His smile was coffee-creamer white; each tooth in it's place, straight as a stick. His canine teeth, on the top portion of his mouth as well as the bottom, were abnormally large. This trait, he informed me, he inherited from his father--a stranger, as far as he knew.

Rumor around town was that he was thinking about going off to college at some point. None of that was told to me personally, just hear-say. As far as I knew, he was happy with his job as a farmhand--he said manual labor was just that manual and he, by far, was all man.

I think, in his own little way, he knew how hard I was crushing on him. He went out of his way to ask me only every other day when I planned on marrying him. Of course, he was joking and I would laugh and reply:

"Anyday now." Of course...jokingly.

He'd just turned 19 when I hit 17. It was now a big no-no for him to be seen with me in public. Our small town of Chesterton, NC was pretty strict on folks about that kind of stuff. No PDA, no inappropriate flirting ("fanny smacks, fanny grabbing"...pretty much anything to do with a "fanny."), and certainly no fraternizing with the under age.

Mr.Montgomery had always been a giving man--he'd been letting me stay on his farm in his spare building. It wasn't any bigger than an apartment bedroom. He'd rigged some pipes in through the floor of the house; one to a toilet bowl and one to an old bathtub. My makeshift home was complete; toilet, tub, bed, mini-fridge, and dresser.

Around April, Mr.Montgomery went a little north to Virginia to visit some family. He always stayed the month and always put Joel in charge. Joel tried his hardest to have my little home set up before it got hot. He set up 9 or 10 different sized fans he'd pulled out of Mr.Montgomery's pool house, setting them up at various angles before opening the two windows in my living room/bathroom/bedroom.


kt6550 Avatar


Commented May 18, 2011, 4:06:25 PM
A good start; it could be a little longer, I think.

Please continue.
Malicepoint Avatar


Commented May 19, 2011, 1:23:08 AM
I thiiink it could be a little longer like Kt says, but what i find most disheartening is the your sentence variety.

You seem to be making a bad problem of using the same lines over again like here:

a stranger, as far as he knew.

As far as I knew he was happy with

But to me, I'm a stiffler for copying I like a lot of sentence variety.

Oh and I don't see any need for this:

There was "meat on his bones" as my Granny liked to say.

Going off on tangents by using a relative sometimes it distracts me.To me if you mention grandma you just have to tell me who this person is.

And... thats it. I think I enjoyed the part of 1 of this quite well.
NicoleSlendid Avatar


Commented May 19, 2011, 4:18:38 AM was just something of interest. Just putting it up for review.

I have no interest in continuing it...xP

the_nev_a_prospect Avatar


Commented May 19, 2011, 11:58:05 PM
The repetition of the name Joel, in the begining, is a rather literal representation of a verbal effect. Try to figure out another way to create the same sensation of nostalgic reflection.

"living room/bathroom/bedroom" unless you're writing a science report it's not acceptable to list things in this manner. It's a very blunt way of telling the reader what they're supposed to be imagining. You have to entice them to imagine, not give them a written schematic of the place.
NicoleSlendid Avatar


Commented May 21, 2011, 8:40:39 PM

Thanks but this was put out for review. Negative feedback was given so, again, I have no interest in continuing it.

There's no need for further feedback.

NicoleSlendid Avatar


Commented Jun 11, 2011, 5:38:39 AM
Btw, I didn't choose to stop writing just because of the feedback. This was just a story of possible interest. But once I got it out, I didn't feel like I should continue it.