An Ode of the Broken

An Ode of the broken

Thy light was beaming from afar calling for me
My compass with excitement was directed unto thee
Yet towards the middle of the journey my heartfelt melancholy
When shall I ever see thy face so lovely

As closed in to thy seemingly definite location
Thy light deemed out like Jewish annihilation
The immense gravitation in my heart increased even more-
To the point where I could no longer stride to the door

colossal damage in my heart was felt instead
All the euphoria went lying, cold, and dead
Like a spartan warrior left in the plain of desolation
My heart bleeds thoroughly as if there were a million lacerations

Yet, even then I shall still embark this tragic journey
Though my end shall be only dead and lonely
I shall push through the mist which spawns forth
I shall still trust the pointer leading to the north

Comments

kt6550

Commented Jun 30, 2015, 9:06:06 PM

A very good action scene here. Good flow, and nicely presented. You keep it in one point of view, namely, Xaine's. Now, a bug.

"Xaine was a fairly level headed young man and understood that he had been alive for a relatively short time and others saw him as still just a child." - You have a lot of unneeded words here. Try something like this: "Xaine was a level-headed young man, and he understood that others viewed him as just a child." You could trim it a bit and make it more effective.