All that's Left of me
You said you'd never do me harm
Yet I lie in pieces
All good I know ceases
But now you love him
He holds you, makes your grin
He tickles you and makes you laugh
While I watch with my heart broken in half
Thinking of you, I feel the blade cold
Thinking of you, I feel me growing old
Endless sad songs in my head
Nightmares when I go to bed
I enjoy my wrist pouring red
And watch it end as my wrist bled
You've done me harm
Went back on your word
You brought me pain
You brought this hurt
Here comes the fade away
Too late to have me stay
When I'm gone will you miss me
In my last breath will you kiss me
Comments
Dnavarre
Chez-It
"But now you love him
He holds you, makes your grin"
I would have written it as such...
"But now I know you love him
He holds you, he makes you grin"
Another part I found...
"While I watch with my heart broken in half"
I would have written as such:
"While I watch with my heart in half"
Although it only gives the inclination of a broken heart, it can then be furthered in the next section of the poem.
"Here comes the fade away
Too late to have me stay"
This part is fairly good, but could be editted as...
"And here comes my fade away
Now it's too late to have me stay"
I would also encourage you to break this poem into segments as it is easier to read and ensures that the reader does not miss or skip any parts of it.
I must praise you on your theme, and the dictation of it as such. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Most loved of all was the last line. Pure gold.