All of a sudden, I'm down.

All of a sudden, I'm down.
The hardest of moments; forever recognized and stashed, but
all of a sudden,
they matter.
Always kept at bay, always muffled,
they now demand attention,
the hardest of moments
that keep me,
and keep me ignore their traits and sudden outbursts,
their natural neediness, but
I shan't indulge the enemy within;
those hard moments.

Comments

Rob Kosy

Commented Sep 3, 2017, 7:21:50 PM

I'll get the negatives out of the way first.
There are a lot of typos, spelling mistakes and missing words. For example: "his stance and appearance indicated that he was a man expediency."
Also lots of capital letters missing at the beginning of sentences. However these are all aspects that can be corrected.

The piece itself was very good and intriguing. The classic good cop/ bad cop scenario, made all the more interesting by the fact that everyone in the room was a cop (I assume).

What are they going to make him do? Will it conflict with his beliefs or conduct code? Will he do it? Are they setting him up? Your story asked me all of these questions and made me want to know.

For me, that's a winner, my friend.

Daniel Harrison

Commented Sep 6, 2017, 7:13:54 PM

This is a great little scene. Rob Kosy has already mentioned the negatives. Like he said though, the intrigue you build by the end is almost as unbearable for the reader as I imagine it is for Jon Davies.

kt6550

Commented Sep 14, 2017, 9:00:40 PM

Kosy kind of hit on everything I was going to say. You need to edit.

Also, is this the start of something longer?

AlexScribe

Commented Sep 16, 2017, 10:29:51 AM

Drew me in despite all the typos. You should proof read a day or so after you write; otherwise you cheat yourself by not showing your work in its best form. OK, that said, this has got to lead somewhere, and I want to go along for the ride.

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A prose poem by

Saad El-Asha