Julie Ann Avatar
A general fiction story by

Julie Ann

Submitted Apr 23, 2007, 3:41:33 PM

A Shadow in the Dark

Jane took a sip of her hot coco as she looked outside her window at the white winter snow. She gets up off of her blue dazzle couch and decided to turn the lights outside of her backyard. The night was dreamy and the stars bloomed. The fire swooshes back and forth in the fireplace where the living room was located. She walks to the stairs then suddenly felt a cold breeze in the air. She looks outside her backyard for a split second and she saw a glimpse of a dark shadow: manly built, 6 feet high and had a watch that sparkled like the stars above the sky. She instantly dropped the hot coco on her hand. She looks out yet again to see if it was still there but it had disappeared through thin air. Her heart was beating so fast, much like the beat of a drum. Jane didn't know what to do so she decided to call Josh, her ex-boyfriend. They were together for quite sometime, when Jane broke up with him she didn't think they'd ever talk again but they did. The only reason why Jane broke up with him was because Josh cheated on her and she couldn't forgive him for that. Jane reaches for the phone to call Josh.

"I know your probably surprise to hear from me but I really want to see you right now. I don't know what else to do or who else to call," says Jane in her frantic voice. Her voice cracks every time a word comes out of her mouth. Josh knew something was wrong.
"I'll be at your house as soon as I can," reply Josh. As Minutes passed someone knocked on the front door, reluctant to open it Jane grabs a bat. As Jane crept to the door, she started to sweat. She looks around her house silently, scared out of her mind. The door creped open and it was Josh half wet. His legs were completely covered with ice.
 "I am so happy to see you right now," mumbles Jane. She hugged him without even thinking that they had broken up. Tears rolled down her face. Josh looked at her speechless. He didn't know what to say. He noticed something was wrong but he couldn't put his fingers on it. He immediately grabbed her hand and held it close to him to give her some comfort.

"I saw someone standing in my backyard. I couldn't see his face. Josh I'm scared," says Jane as she looks at Josh's dreamy blue eyes.
" I know you are but Jane everything is going to be okay. I'm here now that's all that matters," reply Josh.
"I don't know what else to do," says Jane. Her body shivers as every minute passes.
The moment stood still, for a brief second all of Jane's emotions towards Josh came back. Even though he had cheated on her, she is still in fact in love with him. The conversation goes on for hours. Josh gets up from the couch and grabs a blanket in the cabinet next to the kitchen. When he came back, he noticed that Jane had fallen asleep. He threw the blanket over her, kissed her and left.
When Jane woke up and realized Josh had disappeared; scared and not knowing where he had gone, she decided to call him to find out.
"Hey, where'd you go, I woke up and you weren't there," says Jane in a timid tone.
"I left to get you something to eat," reply Josh.
"Come back soon," says Jane.

Hours passes and somebody knocked on the door. Jane walked slowly to open it. As horrified as she was, she still opened the door. Jane can feel the thin cold air that was coming from outside. Josh had arrived. She had noticed that he went back home to change his pants. Jane had noticed it from earlier that he was half wet but didn't say anything. She thought that it was none of her business especially sense they had broken up. Jane gave Josh a confuse look, wondering why he had changed in the first place. She really wanted to ask him but decided not to. It was close to midnight and the clock above the fireplace was ticking. Jane and Josh went back to sit on the couch then all of a sudden the light turned off. Jane closed her eyes for a second to blocked everything out but when she opened her eyes, she saw the sparkling watched once more. She ran to the kitchen to get the phone but it was disconnected. She took a knife above the shelf and a flashlight. She saw the shadow once again, wondering whom it was she took her flashlight and aimed it to him. Shocked and surprise it was Josh.


just call me J Avatar

just call me J

Commented Apr 24, 2007, 1:39:40 AM
I think this story has a lot of potential. Be sure to watch for simple spelling errors and don't forget to read your story over and over again. In m experience, not only does it help you find errors, but you find inspiration in your own writing and it helps develop your story. Another suggestion I would make is to find creative ways to explain your character's emotions. For instance, Instead of saying "Dan was mad" say "Dan clenched his fists with rage."
I hope this was helpful.
Bambi Avatar


Commented Apr 25, 2007, 1:08:02 PM
Yes, your writing definitely has potential. I feel you knew where you wanted to end your piece and what statement you wanted to make but just didn't know how to get there. Keep reading your own writing ower and over again. Do print outs and scribble all over them. You'll be suprised with what you come up with. Don't be in a hurry to finish a story. It takes time. It takes me up to a month to write a 1500 word story and often still am not happy with it. You have some wonderful ideas. Like J said 'Keep Writing!' but most of all enjoy it!