a part of me

I think ill take a page from your book,
Cause you know best,
I think ill take the one about deny-el and Egypt,
But be for i do i have one more demand...
I don't ever want to wake up with out you.
So i give myself to you all that I am, and all that I could be.
Just so that i can merely wake up as an empty vessel,
Of what i use to and could have been.

Comments

W namsom

Commented Sep 2, 2016, 10:40:45 AM

It almost felt like I have this kind of story many times. Their was nothing new or original in this story. But the way you tell your story is smooth, and easy to understand.
Just my view.

Nequam95

Commented Sep 2, 2016, 12:21:03 PM

Thank your very much for your review! What do you think, how could I make it more original? What would make the concept and the plot itself better in your opinion?

phillips_brian

Commented Sep 3, 2016, 3:16:26 AM

The flow seemed to switch back and forth between an action scene, and a character telling a story that happened far in the past. Also, the relationship details with Sylvana were kind of dismissed. There seems to be a lot of backstory here (e.g. How did the Japanese Lords take over her home world?), but I have no idea what it is. Probably needs one or two more times through the revision mill, but this story has promise.

Don Roble

Commented Sep 4, 2016, 10:34:49 PM

I wouldn't worry too much about originality. The last original idea came from Jules Verne. They say there are only seven different plots in fiction.

It's not the story but how you tell it:
A man slips on a banana peel.
A man steps over a banana peel and falls into a hole.

Throw in something unexpected to keep the reader's attention. You don't want the reader to be ahead of you. Don't worry about a linear story. Go a bit off the path but don't get lost. There are always sidebar stories in any writing if you want to go there.

Avoid repetitive words. That's an easy trap to fall into.

As to editing, I edit my stories as often as need be. I edit until I know it's the best I can do. One edit for spelling; one for grammar; one for structure; one for flow. That's one way to do it.

When you finish, leave it alone for a week. Read it again. Is it as good as you thought? Don't look for perfection, look for your best.

Write your own style. It has to be readable and follow normal rules but be yourself and write as naturally as you can. I write short sentences and short paragraphs like Hemingway did. I'm not him. It my style and his style.

Nequam95

Commented Sep 5, 2016, 4:19:09 PM

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it! I think the first chapter of a book should be as good as possible, so if someone says there is nothing new or original in it, I really get curious about the reasons behind it. It can be the concept itself or maybe I've just presented it in a bad way, I don't know that. But I do know that a bad first chapter can kill a book right in the beginning, which would be sad in my opinion. This is the reason why I've uploaded it before I wrote anything else to the book. Right now I can change - and I am willing - to change almost everything in here in order to write it right. So I think this is the perfect time to collect as many constructive criticism about it as possible :)

aSin

Commented Sep 6, 2016, 12:16:07 PM

I'm an overall sucker for a love story... even with the sci-fi background, I love that the main character is doing what his heart pulls him to. Great first piece I would say, don't worry too much about familiarity to other stories. Everyone writes something similar, its all in the way you get it across. Keep it up

kt6550

Commented Sep 14, 2016, 10:04:00 PM

You have got an awful lot going on here in Chapter 1. I could easily break this into three chapters, fill in the missing backstory, and add a bit of color and detail.

Why not give that a try?

A prose poem by

rechacha

a part of me

Comments

W namsom

Nequam95

phillips_brian

Don Roble

Nequam95

aSin

kt6550

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