A New Paradise
I awaken and open my eyes.
I see but stains of frustration and defeat,
As a dusky shadow attacks the colourless skies.
An atmosphere of endless silence and fantasy,
Come about as unimaginable visions.
They control all thoughts of pain and sympathy,
Taking over your mind and decisions.
An agonizing flame covers the water,
As hot steam rises to melt the darkness.
Your worries are blazed over by the golden fire,
As hurt and damage is endured by the overcoming of obscureness.
Death quickly lifts itself,
As clouds of relief casually surround each bound.
I see quick flashes of my past life as well as my troubled health,
For I am not only lost, but will never be found.
Life, a treasure I once had,
But was given to me without warning, time limit nor clue.
So I shall cry forevermore, and stay sad,
For I was too young to be forgotten, My time was not yet due.
Comments
AlexScribe
A few nits:
... cheap cheese powder covered popcorn. Strings of modifiers need punctuation: commas, hyphens. Else the mind takes a second: cheap-cheese or -popcorn? cheese-powder? & breaks the flow.
The figure turns their head towards you,... figure/their singular/plural
... jumps onto one of the gunmen and proceeds to punch them out.... one/them singular/plural
... undoubtedly a talisman of good luck. Redundant: talisman is a good luck object by definition.
now cowering infront of him on his knees.... in front
On noticing a few more singular/plural instances, I belatedly realized you may a PC person using plurals to compensate for the lack of suitable gender-neutral pronouns in English. There aren't any good solutions to that problem yet: I would suggest 'shem' for he/she/it/them/whatever in all cases (both meanings). Granted, the word has been used, but how often does Noah's son come up in conversation? And then it is capitalized. Your solution is being used more and more, but it really grates on older eyes and ears to the detriment of your story for me. My solution, until 'shem' becomes the new standard, is to re-word to avoid the problem: "The figure's head turns toward you,..." "... jumps onto one of the gunmen and proceeds to punch the attacker out." Sometimes awkward, but that way you don't disrupt the flow for the traditionals among your readers.
You judge how active the site is: it has helped me immensely. Waiting to see more from you.
rileyFNV
kt6550
I would also do an outline of this story. You have some holes in your plot, and an outline would help you to find them. Just a suggestion. Then you could fill in, and make the story a bit smoother.