JonPWills Avatar
A fantasy story by


Submitted May 7, 2010, 4:41:37 AM

A fight scene.

 As a forenote I feel like I may have forgotten once more that my story is to be written in first person perspective. I tried to do it a bit with my fight here, but wanted to have your alls opinion and analysis on it. It kinda felt rushed to me. So for all intents and purposes this is a rough draft to see how the feel of it feels.

 I'm going to go over the dialogue because it doesn't feel right. Also I wrote the first paragraph a month ago when I was in better practice. I probably need to go back and re-read some of my stuff to get my feel back in ya know?

 Anyways here it goes.

    On dark brown feathered wings a male lizard swooped down towards them. Penne knew the male was always the lookout for the nest. He watched over his timid females and gathered food for them. Usually he'd alert them to any troubles and protect them from interlopers like Penne and her friends. It wasn't good to come directly face to face with him, usually they'd manage to just sneak in and get the eggs and get out without a fight, but this time he was ready. Perhaps the griffins had put him more on guard, it was hard to say but he was about to eat her and her friends if they didn't do something quickly.

    Penne watched as the shing of metal on metal sounded through the air as Bay drew his longswords from his sheathe. Spinning around he twirled his sword about and comes eye to eye with the beast as he slammed the pommel of his blade into the lizards snout. It reared back in surprise, but really doesn't seem hurt.
       "Stay back!" he growled under his teeth as the lizard moved to strike him, He leaps back barely avoiding the deadly claws, Penne seeing her opening pulls an arrow from her quiver and fires, it misses, it was a poorly aimed shot that whisked into the woods.

    "Golden crown!" May yelled from behind her, A bright flash of light glows from behind her as a radiant globe of energy flashes over her shoulder and smacks the lizard's side hard, sending it to the ground, "Penne now!" She yelled as Penne fumbles for another arrow.
    The lizard glowered at them and screeched loudly into the air as it pumped it's wings to leap up over Bay's head towards May. Noises sound in the forest as if several things are scurrying their way through the brush.

    "H- he called out to his mates," Penne trembled, "We need to end this, fast!", She takes a shot at the lizard as it flew over her head, scoring an arrow straight through the flesh of it's wing.

    As the lizard came down ontop of May she screamed and fell onto her back, claws ripped into her fancy clothes, "Wait, waiiit!" Penne yells and ran towards the dragon for a better shot, drawing another arrow. May wrestled with the beast and from the blood it looked like she was losing,
    "Hold on May!" Bay shouted out from behind Penne as they rushed in and flanked the beast, taking stabs or shooting at it's it's flank as openings presented themselves. There was a bright flash as a bolt of green fire shot from a wand that May held in her hand, sending the beast flying off of her and straight onto Bay's longsword which cut into it quite deeply, it backed away a few steps and snorted, it was soaked in blood and seemed to be debating about if it was worth staying to fight.

    Penne sprinted over in front of May and pointed another arrow at the wounded lizard. There was a rustling under the brush as five female lizards darted out, two went straight to the male and started licking its wounds, the other ones snarled and lashes their tongues out towards Bay who stood closest to the male still.

    "I think we can win this, May, can you stand?", Bay asked, locking eyes with the closer of the lizards.

    "No, no no!", Penne shouted, she couldn't take this anymore. "All this work, all this bloodshed isn't worth it for just a couple of eggs."

    "She's right." May grunted a little as she clambered to her feet, there were a few gashes in her arms, and she needed help quickly. The blood might even attract more creatures if the wounds were not tended to. "Let's back away, slowly now."

    "Easy girl.", Bay murmured as he tried to edge away from the three female lizards in front of him, he took a few steps only to have them leap after him and try to flank him.

    A quick shot from Penne, a mean stare and wave of a wand from May sent them back to their bloodied master. They were often cowardly ladies afterall. Soon they turned and ran away too, heading back towards the road.

    Penne and her friends had ran a minute or two, long enough to get "safely" away though being "safe" wasn't really possible in these woods and stopped to take a quick break and lick their own wounds. Penne ripped a piece of her skirts off and tied up May's bleeding leg, making a makeshift bandage.

    "It's kind of ironic isn't it?" Penne asked as they all sat down in a little circle by some rocks to take a breather.

    "Oh? What is?" May asked her curiosity piqued.

    "Well, we wounded their leader, and they wounded ours "" fighting them, trying to take their eggs, it didn't do us any good did it?" Penne asked, a tired tint in her voice.

    "Well it doesn't normally happen that way ya see." Bay replied dismissively "Sides if we didn't fight them we woulda been eaten ourselves.

        "At least we should pick our fights more wisely," Penne said trying to sound sagely a moment, "I should have realized the Griffins would have put all the lesser creatures more on the defensive" Then with a apologetic tone she added, "I, I kinda did, but I didn't want to voice it, I, I might have been wrong, and now your hurt. I feel bad."


maria c Avatar

maria c

Commented Jan 6, 2010, 4:46:47 PM
I really liked this, but feel the all words should be written out. I am referring to and instead of &.