viewtiful12 Avatar
A prose poem by

viewtiful12

Submitted Apr 29, 2009, 5:12:54 AM

a brown sand crab

a brown sand crab
swats at the flies
attacking his stomach
with their sharp tongues
a storm of needles
savage and lush
a reflection who
unaware that his guiding light
is and has been dim
and his dreams of becoming
a somebody
are never to be
picture an outcast who
flung from the pack
of boorish peacocks
of hedgehogs and tyrants
tries his best
to make a friend.

Comments

kt6550 Avatar

kt6550

Commented Oct 30, 2017, 1:41:06 AM
Ahhhh, very nice.
Oh, I thought Killian was an Irish name?

On page 2: "Once I had some idea what I'd be squeezing through into." This sentence is a bit rocky. You may want to fix it.
AlexScribe Avatar

AlexScribe

Commented Oct 31, 2017, 10:45:26 AM
Yeah, KT, Killian is Irish. I wanted a Celtic name for my fictional setting, but one that wasn't the name of any actual place in Scotland. Didn't figure on anybody spotting the wrong Celtic flavor. Didn't figure on you.

See what you mean about the awkward sentence: have to work on that.

Many thanks, Oh Observant One.
Don Roble Avatar

Don Roble

Commented Nov 2, 2017, 12:48:05 AM
I can't believe this as a woman's story. It sounds masculine all the way through. As well as it's written I just can't see it as a woman's story.
AlexScribe Avatar

AlexScribe

Commented Dec 17, 2017, 11:06:27 AM
Thanks, Don, for the comment. Not sure what you find 'unfeminine' about my narrator but I suppose that depends on the women who've been in your life. Those in mine have ranged from Shirley Temples to the deadliest person (of not a few) I've ever known, and my characters probably reflect that. Your point is well taken as my perspective may limit my readership (should such term ever apply).
Don Roble Avatar

Don Roble

Commented Dec 17, 2017, 8:54:18 PM
I'm married to a sweet Tennessee woman who never raises her voice to anyone but me. She puts up with my nonsense with hardly a word. She, of course, knows how much truth is or isn't in any story I write.(Damn it)

She's a good sport and I have loved her dearly for 50 years.
AlexScribe Avatar

AlexScribe

Commented Dec 18, 2017, 1:52:27 AM
Congrats, Don. I'm married to a mostly sweet (except when I piss her off, which I still seem to do with disturbing frequency) Alabama woman. You've got a decade on us because I've loved her for 40 years in a few months. She is neither the Shirley Temple type nor the other extreme, but is also a good sport and puts up with me -- although I won't say with few words.