alpha11 Avatar
A general fiction story by


Submitted May 4, 2010, 2:38:45 PM

7 warriours(History unfold)

the start of a tale

In every empire there are people who make the empire what it is . it may be the king in some place or a ordinary man who no one knows of, but for the kingdom of Ingira it was there army's general Amol. a very tall person with a built body, he is 55 though anyone would say he is thirty years old. The reason he is great is not because he won many battle for the king Limon, it is because he made a stupid king like him a emperor over 7 mountains.

Amol served Limon from when he was a slave. he was twenty years old and was gifted to Limon as pa sent. He was not the only one who was gifted to Limon, and one of them was assigned to kill Limon.

At one dark night as Limon was sleeping the traitor slave tried to stab him but at the same moment Amol came to save him. They got in a fight. In the noise Limon woke up and saw a tall person fighting with all skills to save . Amol did not have to make the last move as the king's bodyguards came and finished the job.

It is a mystery though what actually happened as it was dark .Though it made Amol a soldier and from that his journey began. Limon declared many wars which could destroy the kingdom but it was Amol who turned them into victories.

Today is one of those wars. they are against same tribal people of Jugan. As usual from a higher ground Amol is looking at the village. It looks nothings special to him just like another villages easy to win easy to destroy. Though there was something that actually made him worried about his win in this village.

in due time the war began and it was all that was expected .they did not had the chance to stand up against the army of Amol. It became a one sided battle with hundreds of Jugans dying like rats.Amol was as usual on the field seeing it from a very close distance

Suddenly a angry Jugan came rushing towards Amol,the Jugan had a sword with blood on it and his angry face said that it wanted more and it would be better if it is Amol's blood. Amol was stoned as he had not seen death from such a close distance Jugan took his sword and was about to slaughter down Amol's head .A young boy just came in between them and pushed the Jugan away from Amol. Jugan did not go far it again came with the same rush, but this time the boy was ready with a sword . the boy just used the sword to make the Jugan's sword move far from his body and they both collided and it became quite.Amol saw the face of the Jugan it was not angry anymore actually it was surprised .
The answer became clear when the boy moved away from the Jugan's body .there was a dagger there in the Jugan's was still in shock and in shock it died.

Amol had many questions in his mind regarding that boy. the boy certainly pleased him but only one question came out of his mouth
:Who Re you?
: Ishan .The sun of Vhanu


ozcartheninja00 Avatar


Commented May 4, 2010, 5:07:21 PM
could be cleaned up a litter; few capitalization errors and grammatical mistakes but i liked it overall
blue_veined_hatred Avatar


Commented May 4, 2010, 5:58:59 PM
U really need to clean ur mechanical errors. Nice as a beginner
Pritrostell Avatar


Commented May 4, 2010, 7:01:29 PM
Agree on cleaning it up, but this one looks more to me like somebody has english as a second language.

It was good enough for me to understand so I say continue on with it, If you want just let me know and I'll gladly six all of the errors i find to make it easier for others to read.

P.S. @Ozcar and Blue: There was a topic in the forums about it, and we're hoping to get Routh to add a nationality listing in the profile.
Vermithrax Avatar


Commented May 4, 2010, 7:36:15 PM
I'm sorry; I'm just not sure - I'd like to read more, in order to come to a conclusion.

It has a rushed feel to it; take your time - craft it - I think the result might surprise you.
Don Roble Avatar

Don Roble

Commented May 4, 2010, 7:51:50 PM
Interesting but needs a lot of technical work.

A good proofreader is almost mandatory for you if English is not your native tongue. English is full of rules with exceptions.

I won't rate this because of that. I encourage you to continue the story though.
kt6550 Avatar


Commented May 4, 2010, 9:08:19 PM
Everyone else has hit the nail on the head, so to speak.

You need someone to proofread, as English is obviously your second language.

On the plus side, you've got the beginnings of a really good plot here.
alpha11 Avatar


Commented May 5, 2010, 2:57:05 AM
thanks for the comment
i hope that the next chapter will actually impress you
i will try not to make new mistakes but make new one