timmy9fingers Avatar
A general fiction story by


Submitted Dec 3, 2009, 3:20:44 PM


the end.


flickeringfairy Avatar


Commented Apr 13, 2011, 4:34:02 PM
There is potential herem but this could use a major looking over and cleanup. Lots of word usage, spelling, and grammatical errors. "I was lent against a caustic, rough, concrete pillar." Two things in this stand out to me "I was lent" You may have meant, "leant" but did someone put you there? And the other is caustic, caustic means corrosive, burning or eating away at or sarcastic. This is not from what I can tell an accurate use of the word.

Word repetitions and inconsistencies in the story stand out as well. "If learning that he knew me had startled me, this almost shocked me into letting go, but hearing it only my my grip more resolute." An extra "my" in this line.

A building that is beyond recognition, is a tower, that may have been a parking garage, these things cause confusion. If the building was "damaged beyond recognition" it should be unrecognizable. You do use may, but there is a lot of description for something unrecognizable.

So again, the story seems like it has potential, but, this really needs a workover.
kt6550 Avatar


Commented Apr 13, 2011, 6:56:02 PM
flickering caught it. I would also add that it needs to be broken up a bit more. There are a lot of places where there are very natural breaks for chapters.

I would also work on the flow a bit. There are some plot discontinuities.
Don't be in a hurry!

On the plus side, you have a good command of language; you just tend to overdo it a bit in places.