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A book section article by


Submitted Sep 21, 2009, 12:16:37 PM

10,000 BC Review

Please note that I am aware of the numerous mistakes in spelling and grammar, and the use of leet speak. This was written purely for comedic purposes, and I do not feel like the errors need my attention just this yet.

Beware of foul language as well

OMG, I just sat through this abortion of a film...

WTF?! The setting and story would swing about so much... so we're in a tiny continent that is both Africa, Egypt, Antarica, or some part of finland all at once, and yet theres room to toss in some huid jungle at well...

Firstly, guy proves he is a man by killing a Mammoth, and for some odd reason, the story writers felt he needed to turn in his newly found title and tell everyone he lied.

Dude, you stood in front of a charging mammoth and propped your spear back into a rock... let me rephrase. You stood in front of a CHARGING MAMMOTH so that your tribe could eat... take the damn credit, man!

And then just as he and girl have maritals, vikings charge in, make a bunch of enemies, run away with the kids and girls of those enemies, and don't pause to think maybe that'll come back and bite 'em in the ass. Oh, no, they're not pissed enough to follow you, not at all. They're the ones running about Finland barefoot, your the one who can't bother to take your armor off to give your horse a bit of a lighter load.

They play grab ass a while, trudge through some jungles, some giant birds complicate shit and provide a convenient way of making the movie longer, as one small fight scene can somehow give the viking guys a huge lead in the race... the laws of time and space do not seem to apply in whatever realm this is.

Out of the hot as fuck jungles, and into the hot as fuck desert! Wow, Finland is looking much better at this point. The protagonist is accosted by a wild animal, which should be fairly common place in pre-historic africa, but since the animal is a Sabertooth Tiger, a creature with no business on the red plains, the backward locals decide its a sign of the prophecy! Yeah! The prophecy!

...whats the prophecy? Fuck if I know... but if a giant cat says so, it must be true!

They decide to cut them off by walking through the desert, and suddenly, when they're dying, one smart cookie discovers the power of navigation!'ve been hunting Finnish Mammoths, and you've never learned to navigate by using the sun, moon or stars as a reference? No wonder your tribe was starving... you couldn't follow mammoth herds, and you took advice from a woman who blurted random dialogue because she has kidney failure and tends to freak out now and then as her body slowly fails her. Thats why your dying in the desert. Idiot.

Somewhere along the line, we've traveled to the land of Egyptia! Conveniently nessled within walking distance of Africa. Oh, but this is no ordinary Egypt... noooo. Their pyramids look familiar, but don't be fool. Looked closely, and you'll see a white boat yard, made to look like some palace from the Elven city in Middle Earth. You know, the one that looks nothing like Egypt.

Yet more evidence that this movie is not set anywhere in the world we've come to know. Maybe Jesus died in several other paralel worlds as well, just like in The One!

But the concept of Jesus dimension hopping to off his other selves to become The One is a truly awesome prospect that, like Mammoths in Egypt, has no place in the Bad and Ugly boards.

Did I say Mammoths in Egypt! You fucking bet! :D They gots lots of 'em. Strange they would willingly travel to the desert... but what do I care at this point, wee! Mammoths!

After sneaking in and chatting with the slaves, they don't get promising results... seem the others aren't quite so willing to believe this kid has yet unnamed magical powers. Thats why their surviving this work camp, because they're smart...

Wait, magic powers? Yeah, apparently that comes with the white spear... its just like the others, but its white. Bow down before the kids whiteness and do as your commanded you slaves!

Yes, I went there :P

They whip the shit out of his girl, suddenly see the scars have become a mark, which somehow tells them that yet another part of Prophecy we should be aware of at this point is coming around the corner.

And so they do! The United Spears of Inbredia ary charges Super Egypt! (I'm calling it Imbredia because theres no other way to describe this confused continent)

They fight their way through, and are faced with The Almighty, the God of Super Egypt... get ready for hs awesomeness, for it will totally blow your fucking mind!

DARTH SIDEOUS?! You sly old bastard! xD We see you under that pink and yellow sheet...

Yes, the God of Super Egypt is really Darth Sideous in drag. Apparently, being thrown down that chasm with the lightning turned on sent him to Inbredia. Amazing how little we understand of portals. Anywhere, he must have landed in Super Egypt, came down with heat stroke, and came to the conclusing that he was a god and that 10 inch long nails with golden polish was totally fabulous and fitted the pink and yellow sheet he likes to wear.

He gets the Magic kids spear in the chest, his creepy priests are forced into their Elven boat and burnt alive (they had molotovs back then) and his girl is shot in the spine with an arrow.

Remember that woman from the start? The one that likes to try a hand at dying and then mumbling prophecies in her daze? Yeah, she carks it... somehow, this means the pretty girl comes back to life, and the arrow in her back is strangely no where to be found.

They are given a handful of corn kernals for their troubles, and don't expect to need any more then that one hand full, because nothing could go wrong with planting crops in Finland, even if these dudes have never eaten anything they haven't had to kill.

Yes, all was well, The Sith were defeated, some expensive Middle Earth property was damaged, and it was a short walk back through the cobbled states of Inbredia, where they screwed on Mammoth back and had quintuplets with matching birth marks, the fortold signs of prophecy... this point, that may as well have been the ending xD


Vermithrax Avatar


Commented Sep 23, 2009, 4:12:50 AM
Heh, nice one
kt6550 Avatar


Commented Sep 24, 2009, 1:10:58 PM
lol I enjoyed! But were the Vikings around in 10,000 BCE? Hmmmmm......
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Commented Sep 25, 2009, 2:35:09 PM
Remember, this isn't our realm, likely, so why not! xD The movie could have gone to space for 10 minutes IMO