I Nothing You...

Prose written by Aitch on Tuesday 6, October 2020

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The sadness of losing in any type of relationship

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I was always told that the worst 3 words you could ever hear from someone you love were " I hate you", and I believed them, for what could ever be worse than that. What could be more heartbreaking than knowing that someone feels that harsh emotion towards you, this dark heavy word, this emotion fogged up with anger, dripping with feelings of despise. I hate you, 3 words that have all the sadness of the world, with a punch in the guts that leave you on the ground curled up, 3 words that taste of bitterness and despair, of someone wishing you were no longer there, 3 words that tell you every little thing you seem to do is wrong, it's singing out the wrong lyrics to your favorite song. But here is the thing, hate is still a strong emotion, it means I meant something to you, it means you had some sort of emotion towards me, and this hate is your pain, it's your anger, it's something. So range up, scream in my face, throw something at the ground, break that stupid vase, tell me how angry you are at me. I'm almost certain now that when you scream those words, there is an I love you hidden between the letters, it's a lashing out, a frustrated call, telling me that you were deeply hurt. How I wish to hear that phrase again, with all it's harshness, with all the bitterness it tasted off, at least it meant that I meant something to you. At least it meant that I could fix it, that we had a chance, that I'm someone you have emotions towards, maybe they're bad at this moment but that's because you loved me, actually scratch that, it's not loved, it's you love me, you love me to the extant that you're that hurt and frustrated from some stupid or unintentional thing I did, because you expected more from me. Today I learned that actually the worst thing you can hear from someone is "I nothing you", that I mean absolutely nothing to you, that I'm so insignificant that my existence doesn't matter anymore, you have no emotions towards me, nor good nor bad, just none at all. How could any phrase be worst than this, any kind of emotion would mean that I'm a someone that crosses your mind, that I matter. You nothing me... you nothing me... am I that insignificant that I have been downgraded to a thing, am I like a blanket you left in your old apartment, or lamp you broke last week, I bet you have emotions towards those too, maybe when you get cold you miss that blanket, or go switch on a side light and remember that you broke that lamp. I guess I don't even hold up enough worth to be even considered a thing, I'm less than a thing, so explain to me how could that not be the worse feeling in the world.

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    Well, I cannot explain it to you.

    Superb observation.