The Night guest..

Prose written by Aitch on Monday 7, September 2020

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Description
The sarcasm of dark comedy when trying to got to sleep

Overall Rating: 78%

This writing has been rated by 1 members, resulting in a rating of 78% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:90%
Imagery:80%
Spelling & Grammar:70%
Flow/Rhythm:75%
Vocabulary:75%
It was just another night, I’m feeling exhausted and can’t wait to lay down in bed and drift away into the comfort of my sleep. I shut all the light -it’s pitch black- turn the air conditioning on and let the temperature drop, turn that mahogany scented diffuser, the room now is perfect for a good night’s sleep. I tuck myself in and just as I’m about to doss off I hear that rumbling noise. ⁃ “Come onnnnn, not tonight really I don’t have the energy to deal with you tonight, listen tell you what you have 2 choices, you either do it quickly and get it over, or just do it some other time. Ummmmm not tomorrow though I have some serious things to attend to the next morning, tell you what how about after tomorrow it’s a Thursday night and I probably won’t have anything to wake up early to, so how about that” The noise starts rumbling again and this time something falls off the nightstand ⁃ ” that better not be what I think it is, I swear if this was that sculpture I got on NY you’re really going to be in real trouble. I think I was clear, either do it quickly or wait because today isn’t a day where I have the patience to go along with your sick stupid games” The room gets chilly for a minute and a whooshing sound follows, I raise a middle finger to the emptiness of the room and get to sleep. The next day, after another long draining day, I get to my sweet bed, ready to collapse and end the draining of the day. A few minutes go by and as I start to get comfortable after tossing and turning for a while, I feel a soft breeze passing across my duvet. ⁃ ” Didn’t we talk about this yesterday, for the intelligent creature you claim to be, you’re pretty damn stupid, like I bet this cup of stale coffee sitting on my nightstand since yesterday has an IQ higher than you.” The rumbling moves the curtains and a soft breeze blows on my right foot that wasn’t covered. ⁃ ” *laughs* you know you’re just proving my point, you’re a coward, and btw I saw the mess you did last night, yea I’m talking about that stomping sound I heard last night, dropping a not well closed water bottle, smart move dumbass, you just got the carpet soggy. ⁃ ” I told you I can’t do this game today either didn’t I, I have a major presentation tomorrow and I need to have a good night sleep, I promise you tomorrow I’m 100% going to be there for you, we’ll have a blast, I promise “ The moppy presence moves around the room, I whisper good night and fall into the land of dreams . It’s Thursday night, I get into bed, lights off and acting like I have already fallen into deep sleep. I room gets warm for a moment and I crack up laughing ⁃ ” hey hey hey I’m awake, I promised you that tonight we can have this game, I was just messing with you, it ain’t fair, you get all furious when I do it but you love bothering me random “ The curtains start shaking and I feel that cold breeze passing by. I can see weird light made shapes moving around the room and an unfamiliar voice calling my name. I pull the duvet off me and arrange the pillows behind my back so that I’m half sitting, placing my hands behind my head and crossing my legs. ⁃ ” seriously this is all what you’ve got, you bothered me for the past two days and got grumpy when I told you to wait for this. For God sake I gave you time to come up with a better plan, what were you doing for the past two days, like I really wanna know, you have a two day break from your duties and yet you come to me with this kindergarten time of scaring methods. I was expecting more man, like at least make me imagine that the ceiling is falling, or make my bed shake and tie me to it with that feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest. You know how many horror movies I’ve watched, -I know they gave you the list when you were assigned to me- and yet you didn’t even think about bringing out a figment of any of them into this dark room which is just perfect for such an illusion, with that fainted light coming from the hallway sneaking from underneath the door. You’re really a disappointment I was expecting much more, I had this image in my mind of a night where I’m scared shitless that I stay up till the morning, but I get this failure of an attempt “ The temperature in the room suddenly drops, the bed starts to shake for a moment and I see the girl from the ring standing at the corner of the room. ⁃ “Are you that stupid for real, like I just gave you those ideas and now you’re trying to do them, it’s over just go back wherever you came from. Oh and yea please inform them to send someone who can actually get the job done next time and you know if you wanna try and come again, please take a class or two, because I’m being honest here you suck at this. I wanted to tell you to get a career shift but I don’t know what “ghosts/demons/whatever you guys are” can work, so better just get your act together and learn how to be scarier.” I get back into a sleeping position and angrily pull my covers on. I hear another rambling and just sigh ⁃ “It’s over you messed it up, just let me go sleep and if you want you can hang around the room just don’t be too noisy because I don’t wanna be waking up every two minutes to your stupidity. I know it will look bad if for the 3rd night I kick you out, so just quietly sit in a corner and you can play some scenes from my worst nightmares or the darkness of my thoughts maybe you’ll get some ideas. Check with me tomorrow night maybe I’d be willing to give you a chance to scare me but that’s only if you do some studying today “ ⁃ “Good night you stupid foolish beast
   

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Comments

    Overall I thought this was a really good story with a very strong concept. I love the role reversal and the fact that it was an average ghost story. Personally, I would have liked a little more background on what was happening but only a little. Explaining everything would have definitely ruined the story. I also think the grammar could use some work. I saw several run-on sentences and there were a few places were the wording was choppy and hard to follow. Good job.
    Could do with an edit, but this was really good. An entertaining read.
    "The moppy presence moves around the room, I whisper good night and fall into the land of dreams ." - You really want the word moppy here?

    Pretty good. You can easily build on this, and make it into horror, or comedy, or a mix of both.