How To Lose Your Breath In 10 Seconds...

Prose written by Aitch on Thursday 20, August 2020

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How it feels like to go through anxiety

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-Take a deep breath,one more, just keep breathing. - Get a glass of water, slowly take a sip, concentrate on how the soft droplets of water hydrate your dry throat, let it revive your voice that's buried under this chocking drought. -Find something comfortable to sit on, if laying on a bed or a couch is an option do that, take another deep breath. *Sighhhhhhh* -Breathe, we can do this, take another deep breath. -Now gently take out your phone, look up the number, don't worry give yourself time. -Stand up, we figured that pacing around always helps, find something you can pace around, a table, an imaginary circle or line that you made up in your mind, just something to center yourself. -It's now time, one more deep breath, *Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* press the call button. -You can hear the phone ringing, but the sound of your heartbeats is louder, breathe, we can do this.  -A voice answers, you hear a friendly warm hello.. *siiighh* It wasn't so bad was it, I know you were hoping with each ring that the line would disconnect, that you wouldn't get through, but it did and it was just a familiar voice on the other end of the line. After the first couple of minutes, after pacing in a circle for the 27th time, your heartbeats went back to normal didn't they, the crack in your voice cleared up and it no longer felt like a desert in your throat.  You did good today, maybe next time when you pick up the phone to call a friend, it won't be as bad as it was today, tomorrow we'll do better I'm sure, we'll get through this too. - Lay in bed, have another sip of coffee, breathe, think about what you're going to wear, plan it out in your head. -Give yourself extra time, we know how we glitch sometimes and blank for a moment. - Get up and lay your outfit down on your bed or hang it on the closet door, take your showers, preferably a cold one, we need to be calmed down. - Start getting dressed, aimlessly walk around the house and your room while doing so, we don't know why your brain does so, but we need it on our side today. - Have a drink of water, even if you're not thirsty, we need it.  -We're ready, time to leave the house, use the bathroom one last time before heading out. - Stand outside the house for a moment "Scarf, glasses, tang-top, shirt, jeans,sneakers, socks, underwear, bra, watch, rings, bracelets, phone, bag, wallet, keys, power-bank *Sighhhhhh*. -Go to the elevator, press the down button, breathe. - Get in and press the ground floor  - while you look at the numbers on the flashing board descend you recite in silence "Scarf, glasses, tang-top, shirt, jeans,sneakers, socks, underwear, bra, watch, rings, bracelets, phone, bag, wallet, keys, power-bank *Sighhhhhh*.  - Walk to the car, breathe, make sure all the mirrors are open, get in, fix your seat just out of habit, recite "Scarf, glasses, tang-top, shirt, jeans,sneakers, socks, underwear, bra, watch, rings, bracelets, phone, bag, wallet, keys, power-bank *Sighhhhhh*. - Turn the ignition on, turn the A/C on, plug in your music, chose a song you like, breathe. -Set the location on your GPS and place it on the dashboard in a way you can clearly see it. - Have a mint or some sort of hard candy, they always work better than gum.  -Take a moment for your heart to calm down, its okay, one more time "Scarf, glasses, tang-top, shirt, jeans,sneakers, socks, underwear, bra, watch, rings, bracelets, phone, bag, wallet, keys, power-bank *Sighhhhhh*. A few minutes go by and you're ready to start moving, you're now on open road, your heartbeats are back to normal and now you can get where you needed to go. We did it again today, we're getting good at this now I guess, true that we're just going to meet a friend, or get something from the store, but still it counts we arrived didn't we. Those are just normal day to day activities, they shouldn't get this stressful I know, I'm completely aware that this may seem extreme, but imagine having to calm that anxiety down every-time you gotta do something that seems effortless. Can you guess how bad it would get if a logical reason to get stressed out arises, look how edgy you get, well multiply that with a thousand. You get an unknown number calling and you're unfazed, but my heart skips a beat, and I get anxious, in fact probably I'm not picking it up, except if I'm expecting that call. You have a work interview and you're a little edgy and nervous, I'm spending the morning in the bathroom because I can't even keep a sip of water down. So imagine always having this beast screaming that you have to deal with, calm down, and find a way to distract. You may notice that I fiddle a lot, to keep myself grounded, I have illogical habits and twitch but they somehow make me feel better.  So if you could, don't give me more reasons to be on the edge of my skeleton all the time, don't throw a sentence like "We need to talk", "Remind me to tell you something important" or anything that may sound alarming in some sense; because my mind will take me on a ride to the worst case scenario lane, and for someone with a good memory like me, a tape with every harsh word said, and every mistake I did will  be directed into a scene from a nightmare, which usually means I've got a front row seat to an anxiety attack. I know I'm asking to much, but could you pay more attention and be more careful around the mess of me, because honestly sometimes it gets too exhausting to live on this steep roller coaster ride of anxiety and absolute numbness. 
   

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Comments

    Very well presented, you get across the feeling of anxiety really well, and I can relate to parts of it, especially social anxiety. I hope you have methods of managing and overcoming it.
    Almost a horror story.