Destructo

Essay written by IndecentAccident on Saturday 25, July 2020

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A bored superhero

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God, being indestructible is so fucking boring. I used to love it when I was a kid. I remember getting two of my friends to hit me over the head with rocks and tree branches, then seeing the amazement on their faces as the rocks would bounce, and the tree branches snapped like twigs. It was cool that I got to protect the smaller kids from the bullies at school too. On my first day, a group of arseholes were picking on this weedy kid in one of the school corridors. It started with them ruffling his hair and talking down to him, then somehow escalated with the biggest one pushing the kid against a wall, scrunching up the front of his shirt with both hands, and lifting him off his feet. I still remember the fear in the kid’s face. I had to intervene. After I told the guy to put the kid down, he turned to me, told me to ‘fuck off, kid’, and pushed me. The bewildered look on his face when I didn’t budge still gets me. I proceeded to grab the guy’s face and throw him straight through the wall that he had pushed the little kid against. Those were the days. Since then, it’s been endless calls from the police. ‘Hey, we need you at a shootout at this abandoned warehouse,’ and ‘you’ve gotta stop this bank robbery.’ You know how many bank robberies I’ve foiled this year? Thirty-seven. Just this year. It’s just like anything else, the first few were awesome and exciting. Now it’s the same old routine all the time: I burst through the door, stop bullets with my hands and leave the guys in a pile on the floor for the police. Imagine doing that all the time. See, this is why Superman needs Lex Luthor. Imagine Spiderman without Venom and all those other guys. Like, if all Batman ever did was just beat up petty criminals with ease in every movie, would you watch it? No, he needs The Joker to keep things interesting. What I wouldn’t give for some crazed maniac to have a lab accident and threaten to take over the world for some reason. Or for someone to discover a secret weakness I didn’t know I have. You know, something that would challenge me. Something I would have to think about, and strategize. Yeah, I’d be in danger and everything, and I could die, but at least the fight would actually be interesting. You’d be on the edge of your seat then, wouldn’t you? Now, you hear about some guy being held hostage on the news and you think, ‘Ah, no biggie, Destructo will sort it out.’ And that’s another thing. The media really need to come up with a better name. Destructo? Doesn’t that sound more like a super-villain’s name? Granted, I couldn’t think of anything better myself when I started doing this, but still. That’s another thing I need. I need a Green Goblin and a J. Jonah Jameson too. Anyway, sorry this came out as a rant. Just needed to get some stuff off my chest. I’ve gotta go now, apparently there’s a robbery going on in a jewellery shop. Great.
   

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    Destructo/10
    A short but good read. I imagine he is lying on the sofa in the psychiatrist's office giving his rant.
    Laughing like crazy here. Nicely done!