Aching Heart

Poem written by Fictitiously imaginative on Thursday 2, April 2020

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Description
Hope you like it. Shows some unidentified pain we sometimes deal with.

Overall Rating: 77.2%

This writing has been rated by 1 members, resulting in a rating of 77.2% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:96%
Imagery:76%
Spelling & Grammar:97%
Flow/Rhythm:57%
Vocabulary:60%
As she stood on the edge, And looked down below, She was on the balcony, Of the sixth floor. Her thoughts were battling, Was this right? She knew she'd jump, If she wasn't scared of the height. She was deeply pained, Her soul felt feeble. She was once strong, And much more stable. But lately her life, Had taken a turn. She wasn't weak, Just sick of the burns. She tried and tried, To forget the throb. But she felt weak, Even though she was not. She didn't want to share, That her soul was drained, Of most of its color, The colors getting faint. She couldn't find the epicenter, To all her pricks, Trying to figure out the reason, Made her core sick. But she couldn't jump, For she lacked, That strength and courage, Thankfully, she wasn't on crack. She stepped back, She decided to stay. She wanted to find, A better way. Her will to live, And feel bliss, Was far more stronger, Than the urge to give in. Her aching heart,  Would make her strong as nails, Never again in life, Would she let down her sail. She will be stronger, And like a tide, Will overcome all, No obstacles will she let slide. She will destroy a whole lot, That tries to break her down, She will cherish her days, Won't let appear, her sad frown. Like a moonlit garden, She will exude grace, Her soul will be beautiful, As would be her face. I warn you though, Don't think she's meek, She may be kind, But she can break your teeth. Don't underestimate, What she can do, For she is strong, Way stronger than you.
   

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Comments

    Pretty good poem. Thoughtful. Encouraging.
    I can't do poetry because I can't stand to abuse phrases to force a rhyme. Here it may be poor advice squeezed out by a sense of obligation to offer comment. Anyway, the lines mugged worst in pursuit of a rhyme were. '...the epicenter to all her pricks...made her core sick...thankfully she wasn't on crack. She stepped back.' My comment would be to throw that rhyme off the balcony and just lead up to 'She stepped back' with whatever prose flows best. We can't all come up with lines like the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...well, I mean I can't. But you might.
    Really good. I enjoyed this. Nicely written and presented.
    'Was far more stronger' should be 'was far stronger' or 'far more strong'. I'd like to have seen it split into stanzas too, but that's just me, I think it makes it flow a bit better and is more visually appealing. Yeah there are few forced rhymes but I don't really mind that so much.

    Other than that, I like it, it's a really strong message that you've gotten across well. I love the moonlit garden simile too. Well done.