"The Storm"

Poem written by Lostsoul146 on Tuesday 28, January 2020

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Description
Dark poem relative to anyone who has been through the tides of their mind.

Overall Rating: 95.133333333333%

This writing has been rated by 3 members, resulting in a rating of 95.133333333333% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:94.333333333333%
Imagery:94.666666666667%
Spelling & Grammar:98.333333333333%
Flow/Rhythm:95%
Vocabulary:93.333333333333%
Cold be the seas, Fast be the night, Come down to the dark, Your in for a fright, The waves they crash, The gulls they call, Look into the void, Gaze... and fall, Icy cold embrace awaits, The tomb your in has sealed your fate, The gulls they laugh as you fall, The sirens sing, Storm... rolling in, Asphyxiation drag you in, Lost souls upon you quake within, Cold be the seas, Fast be the night, The dark sets in, Forever... a fright
   

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Comments

    Amazing! Really sent me some place deep, hope to read more from you!
    very good. I felt the cold.
    Very cool, feels like a spell or a curse in a light fantasy. Nice Smile
    I like this, it has a good rhythm when read aloud. The mood and imagery are great, and you put the reader into the scene.

    I have a couple of corrections and pieces of feedback.

    Corrections:

    Line 4: You're*
    Line 12: The tomb you're*

    Suggestions:

    - Take the quotes out of the title.
    - I would take the commas off the end of the lines as they are not necessary in poetry and make the piece look less clean, rather than well formatted. If you do want to use punctuation like that, I would make each of these verses a sentence by ending them with a period; and write your verses so there is a pause at the end of line two, indicated by a comma.
    - I would replace the ellipsis you are using with commas on lines 9 and 16.
    - Remove the extra break before the last line, and italicise the last line instead. This will give you the emphasis I think you were going for and improve the format.
    - Verse three needs another line to keep the rhythm. "Then you hear the siren's call..." maybe, and then the next two lines could change to:

    Quote


    The wind it stings
    As storms roll in


    Just my thoughts. You show promise as a poet.
    Superb imagery! Excellent timing and pace. Wonderful job overall.
    It's really good. It sounds like an ocean. I sounds like ancient sailors. And it rolls right over you.
    As noted elsewhere 'your' should be 'you're'. I only mention it again just to say I've made that same mistake a million times.
    drag should be drags
    I was going to suggest fixing the last line of verse four to 'Lost souls within you quake'. But then I read the whole verse aloud. Holy mackerel, it's a crescendo. Really good. Don't change a thing.