Some people aren't cut out to rob banks
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Mikey Keys went into his local branch office to rob it. He wore no mask, forgot the cameras were on and everyone there knew him. It wasn’t a well thought out plan. It wasn’t a thought out plan at all. Mikey just wanted some free money. He fired his pistol into the ceiling and yelled for everyone to get down and give him all the money. How in the world they could do both also escaped him.
The manager of the branch, Carl Otterman, walked over to Mikey and told him that he’d have to get in the line like everyone else. ‟We have everyone do it. Well, not the important people and you don’t impress me as anyone we toady up to. You’ll have to wait your turn. If you don’t have a carry license, I’d put that gun away. Maybe I’m carrying and up and decided to just up and shoot you That’s up to you.”
Mikey got in line until he was called out to come do his business. He went to a teller only to be told, ‟My window is closed. You see that little plastic window? That means I’m closed. You need to go to another teller.”
‟Wait a minute, wait just a damn minute. I’m here to rob you and I have a pistol. You-”
‟What?”, she asked. ‟You watch that mouth. You better take that gun outta my face before I come out and slap you along side your stupid head. I said I was closed and I am. Go down a couple of windows. The Babusca Lady’s window is open. Don’t tell her I called her that, though. She’s sensitive. Now, get away from me. I’m busy. Have a nice day.”
Mikey goes down too the teller. ‟Are you the Babusca Lady?” To his surprise, she slammed her window shut. She screams and then quits.
Mikey finally finds an open window and tells the teller to give him all her money. She politely asks if he’s a customer. Mikey screams but doesn’t quit.
‟Look. This is a hold up. I want all the money you have except that inky stuff. I’ve been fooled before.”
The teller thinks about how much she makes and it isn’t enough to piss off a robber. She gives him all the cash she has, including her own money.
Mikey gives that back. ‟I want the bank's money. You have bills to pay and stuff.”
Mikey decided it was time to get out of the bank. He ran out the door and saw every cop on the world pointing a gun at him. He saw the regular cops and the SWAT and, on each side, the tv cameras. Mikey wished he had worn better clothes. He wished he had changed into clean underwear in case on of these guys opened fire on him. ‟Oh, Hell, if one fires, they will all shot. There won’t be enough left to know who I am. Oh, yea, the cameras.”
‟Drop the gun and drop to your knees. Put your hands on top of your head. You’re really stupid. This ain’t ‛Dog Day Afternoon’ You didn't even take hostages, stupid. My dog is smarter than you and he’s an idiot.”
Mikey thought he should have stayed in bed today. The Chief of Police said, ‟You should have stayed in bed today.”