The rain

Romance Story written by Branx on Thursday 28, February 2019

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This is my second short story. Please criticise it, I want to learn from it :D (excuse my English, I'm not a native speaker)

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"Fuck," cursed Leon. Lloyd was silent. Mila tried to post her "beautiful panoramic photo" on instagram. Alicia looked bored around the forest. Their trip would have been a nice walk in the woods, but apparently the four friends were not as good in navigation as they thought. "Shouldn't we have arrived at the campsite by now?" asked Lloyd without much interest. "Yes", answered Leon annoyed. "Oops, and what now?", Mila stammered, who was suddenly very worried, "My phone is out of reach here." Her worrying was touching. "Gee, what are we supposed to do?" said Lloyd as if there was no answer to his question. Alicia was still silent and now looked at him. She took a deep breath. "You may find this a strange idea, but I don't see a problem in spending the night here" Alicia has always been the adventurous type. Lloyd found it quite frightening at times but also admirable. Mila needed some time to process Alicia's statement: "What? In the middle of the forest? "A smile appeared on Lloyd's mouth. "And why not? We have sleeping bags and some food, "argued Alicia. "It's not like that there are bears or wolves here in Belgium," said Lloyd. He supported Alicia. Leon nodded in agreement, but a bit against his will. Mila chuckled a little, "OK, but I sleep close to you guys." Lloyd took off his hat and rubbed his tangled black hair for a moment. The sleeping bags were already spread out on the ground, but he didn't feel like sleeping. He was sitting against a tree. It started to drip lightly. Mila and Leon were already napping, close to each other. "Just a little bit and it's that time again", thought Lloyd. The two had been very close for a while. Lloyd had also been thinking of someone for a while. Was it love? He didnt't know, he was still too young and too stupid he thought by himself. That person suddenly was sitting next to him. Alicia was trying to settle comfortably against the tree. They didn't look at each other, it wasn't necessary. Lloyd knew exactly what she looked like. Green eyes, almost white hair and the most handsome face he had ever seen. They didn't say anything to each other. They didn't had to. Lloyd knew exactly how she was inside. He looked at her. A smile appeared on her face. She put her head on his shoulder. It remained silent. Only the rain was heard. They didn't say anything to each other. The silence was more meaningful than anything they could say. Lloyd put his arm around her shoulder and supported his head against hers. It remained silent. They felt each other's warmth. They felt each other's feelings, and for a moment it was one of the most beautiful moments of their lives. The drip stopped.

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    Nice little romantic vignette, Branx. Few items:
    This site has a peculiarity in that tabs and initial spaces in the original are sometimes omitted from the posted version others see. Check the difference between 'edit' and 'read' versions of your story on your 'manage writings' list. The result is that paragraphs run together which makes reading tedious at times and can often cause confusion as to the speaker of an unattributed quote. We usually handle this by leaving a blank line between paragraphs. Crude but it works.
    Dialog from separate speakers should almost always be in separate paragraphs.
    In S.E. the punctuation at closing " should be before the " and there shouldn't be one before and one after. In P.E. the rules are different and also seem to vary with which flavor of P.E. you write for. In S.E. the 'bible' of syntax for many is the Chicago Manual of Style -- there is probably an authoritative source for whatever dialect you use (maybe the Oxford Manual of Style or something similar): you should study the rules there for punctuating dialog.

    My phone is out of reach here. {We'd say "My phone has no service here" or "I've got no phone service here" or the like.}
    It started to drip lightly. {"drip" could be light rain or tree sap; "sprinkle" or "drizzle" would more likely be used for light rain.}
    He didnt't know, he was still too young and too stupid he thought by himself. {only one "t" in "didn't" and this is a comma splice: a comma should almost never join two complete sentences -- use ; instead & should be , after stupid & "thought to himself" & generally thoughts indicated by '...' or italics}
    They didn't look at each other, it wasn't necessary. {comma splice}
    They didn't had to. {"have to" }
    and for a moment it was... moments of their lives. {change one "moment" to another word (style) }
    , I do think the rules of punctuation differ in my country, and thx for correcting my English!
    Very good little story. Excellent imagery.

    Thank you!