The Corruption

Story written by Branx on Sunday 17, February 2019

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This is my first short story. Please criticise it, I want to learn from it :D (excuse my English, I'm not a native English speaker)

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"You killed them" Bored he looked at the boy, then he stared at the ground. Panting he stuck his bloodied sword in the ground. "You think the world is only black and white". He breathed heavely through his nose and wiped his hands on his surcoat. "We are all killers" He spit on the ground. "If you want to go through with this, you will become a killer", he said when he pointed at the boy. "It's not about that we kill, it's about why we kill." The boy became more relaxed. The man looked at his gambeson that was colored in black and white. "That's something we have to live with. We don't kill because we're evil, we kill because we have to. It doesn't feel nice, and it shouldn't". He looked at the ground and rolled his eyes. "If you want to become like me or any of the men you admire, you'll have to accept that" The boy seemed to understand. The blood mixed with the soft, clean soil. It hurt to say that. To corrupt something so innocent and pure. But it wasn't his choice. That's how the world worked.

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    Not bad for a first effort, Branx, especially in a 2nd (or 3rd or ??) language. Most of the minor problems concern punctuation, especially within dialog. That is always tricky, and standards vary depending on which English-speaking culture you write for. Note that I write and comment based on S.E. (Simplified English, Routh's term for the US and, strangely, Israeli bastardized version of our almost common language) and I am unfamiliar with some peculiarities and aberrations of P.E. (Primitive English, my label for the UK/CAN/AUS version). If I indicate as an error or less desirable choice in wording or punctuation that which is actually correct or preferred in P.E., then I stand corrected and you should ignore that comment unless you intend significant S.E. readership.

    This site has a peculiarity in that tabs and initial spaces in the original are sometimes omitted from the posted version others see. Check the difference between 'edit' and 'read' versions of your story on your 'manage writings' list. The result is that paragraphs run together which makes reading tedious at times and can often cause confusion as to the speaker of an unattributed quote. We usually handle this by leaving a blank line between paragraphs. Crude but it works.

    "You killed them" "We are all killers" accept that" {needs punctuation before final " -- ! or ? or . }
    Bored he looked at the boy, {should have a comma after "Bored" }
    Panting he stuck his bloodied {should have a comma after "Panting" }
    He breathed heavely {"heavily" maybe? }
    black and white". it shouldn't". {period should be before final " }
    become a killer", {comma should be before final " }
    It hurt to say that. {hurt who to say what? }

    Nice little vignette; perhaps it's the prologue to a longer story? Write on.
    Thank you AlexScribe for your insightful comment. It really helps me a lot to get advice!
    A quite good little story. You could easily expand this, add some detail, and make the plot richer.

    Please keep posting.
    Thx Kt6550 I will!