The Fall

Poem written by TabbyKatt94 on Sunday 10, February 2019

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Description
From Ethereal to Drowning.. for him..

Overall Rating: 92.6%

This writing has been rated by 1 members, resulting in a rating of 92.6% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:100%
Imagery:100%
Spelling & Grammar:100%
Flow/Rhythm:82%
Vocabulary:81%
When the highs were high, we were so high! Then he'd fall. I would reach out and grab his hand, but the clouds we floated upon were ethereal. I clung to him as we plummeted. The ocean caught us. Tempestuous, and full of salt, like the tears I shed. His boot upon my shoulder, I sunk below the waves. My lungs burned, begging for air while he tried to save himself. Just then, the voracious beast stalking beneath swallowed us whole. My world fades to black. Then light, again. We are celestial. Vaporous. Ethereal. Until we aren't, anymore. Again, we fall. This never ending paradox of a dream come true turning to a night terror. I am trapped.
   

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Comments

    This paints a vivid, if painful, picture. I assume you meant world not "wold" and I don't quite understand the italics of the 2 words... But this is nice.

    Thanks for sharing.
    Thank you! I missed that when I reread it. All fixed. As for the words in I italics and one in bold.. Celestial is bold font for emphasis. We were above all else. We floated like spirits, like angels, we felt like gods in our world. That word is important, to tell the reader just how 'high' we did feel. Voracious is italicized because of it's hidden meaning. It's meant to seem like a shark had come and gobble us down, but it's a metaphor for his insatiable hunger to destroy anything good in his life. He builds things up just to tear them down and start again. He will never stop. No matter whom he harms in the process. In turn, doing the very most damage to himself. The second ethereal is italicized to make a point of bringing us full circle. In the start, I said the clouds were ethereal, and couldn't hold us. How were we sitting on clouds, then? ..because we also were ethereal before his fall.
    This was a very entertaining read. Thank you for sharing this story.

    Based on the previous comments, I see you've made some few changes.

    Some stories include certain words or phrases that become a little too repetitive, but your submission here utilizes the repetition of words such as "ethereal" well, which created the effect that you probably intended.

    I think that, if you are to ever make this into a series of submissions of a longer story, I will certainly look forward to reading it.
    I really enjoyed this poem, it told the story well and allowed me to picture what was happening. I also liked the idea of these people being stuck in a loop, as well as the subtle notion that the man was just trying to save himself. Although in order to keep this subtleness, I'd remove "...while he tried to save himself." The audience will know what you mean by the statement, "His boot upon my shoulder..." All in all, great poem! Keep it up!