February 2009 - River Forest, IL
"Mom, I'm on the phone!" said Jon Tonelli
"Okay, just wanted to make sure you put the shovel away after clearing the drive" Said Tonelli's mom from somewhere down the hall.
"I will, give me a few minutes" said Jon, who had just finished shoveling up the snowy driveway about an hour ago. He had left the shovel on the front porch and his mom had asked him several times to put it back in the garage.
"Sorry about that man. Okay, then, I'll see you in an hour". Tonelli said while clicking off his cell phone. Jon had just gotten off the phone with Joel Robbins, who convinced him to come out that night to Madison street in Oak Park. He wasn't going to pass up another chance to go out and act like he was better than everyone. He slipped on his Ralph Lauren polo top, pastel blue, of course, and texted his buddy John Servedio.
"You wearin the pink or the blue tonight?" texted Jon Tonelli
"I'm going with pink" Servedio texted back
"Let's get a photo tonight
" said Jon T.
"Good" Jon thought, he would get a solid photo with his other polo buddy, Servedio. Just two good lookin cats out on the town taking photos with their polo's.
"Yup, nothing to see here" Jon thought. "At least nothing that anyone would suspect" he said aloud to himself.
Jon was going out for one reason that night. It was the only reason he ever went out. He was just good at hiding it. He would take pics with his bros and feign interest in the women his bros were interested in. But Jon had a secret he had hidden well over the years- Jon went after big women. Really big. Becky "the claw" Wittenborn was petite compared to the women this man went after. He was not "hogger". Jon Tonelli did not go "hogging". He didn't derive pleasure from overweight women. No, Jon had an insatiable craving for obese, in fact morbidly obese women who had trouble moving without assistance. Jon Tonelli didn't go hogging, he went fucking whaling.
"Damn!" Jon thought. It was getting close to 6pm. And "My 600 pound life" on TLC was coming on soon, a show that he routinely jacked off to. He looked at himself in his bedroom mirror, he was put together and ready to roll. Jacking it right now wouldn't be the best idea.
Jon picked up his remote and set the show to record. The screen flashed -99% full-.
"Shit, okay well I just need to delete a recording". John scrolled through the 50 + recordings of "My 600 pound life" and the first halves of "The biggest loser". He only saved the first halves of this particular show because what was the point of jacking off to fit women?
Nervously, he thumbed his remote. He couldn't decide what to delete to make room. He loved them all.
"No fucking way I'm deleting the episode where they had to forklift that hottie out of her bedroom, I musta jacked it 50 times to that episode alone" Jon thought.
As he was deciding, the show came on. "This week on My 600 Pound Life, the twins, Jennie and Jill, talk about the hardships of not being able to fit through the door of their trailer."
"We haven't been outside in 3 years" said a bucktoothed young lady sitting in a pile of filth on an old sofa. She must have weighed at least 800 pounds.
"Friends and family come by to drop off our food." Said the other twin sadly. This one was heartier, at least a healthy 950.
Jon already has his dick out and was stroking furiously. The straw had broken the camels back with that last scene. There were no two ways about it, he was going to make a mess.
"Hey man, you leave yet?" Jon texted
"No, what's up?" Servedio texted back
"You mind changing to your blue polo tonight? I got this new pink polo I've been dying to rock" texted Jon.
"What, you don't want to be twins?" Servedio said
The mention of the word 'twins' got Jon hard again. "haha, not tonight man" he texted.
"Sounds good, np" texted Servedio.
"Why does he always want to
switch polo's at the last moment?" he thought
Jon T looked at his stained polo in the mirror. He was still wearing it. Gobs were still rolling down the chest area and resting about his stomach.
"No getting this out without a thorough wash" he thought with a laugh. "Good thing Servedio agreed to switch polo's again or I'd have to go with the old sauce on the shirt excuse."
Jacking it to "My 600 pound life" was quickly becoming a pregame habit that he had to break if he ever wanted to go out with the shirt he had planned to wear.
"No harm no foul" he thought. Besides, it was a rare occasion that anyone meeting Jon's specific standards would be out at Madison street. Plus, it was even rarer that he was able to chat her up away from the watchful eyes of Joel and the crew, so may as well jerk one out before going on the town.
"Okay then, time to head out." He said to himself after changing. He grabbed the stained remote and wiped it on the bed.
"Sadly, said the television host, Jill passed away in late 2008 from coronary artery disease. Her sister Jennie has recently made it her mission to get fit for her own health and, of course, in memory of her sister. She has already lost 100 pounds. Jill was laid to rest in a custom coffin near her birthplace in Woodlawn, Il."
"Woodlawn? No. Fucking. Way." Jon thought.
That was practically down the street, and in any event on the way to Madison street.
"But no, that's fucking insane!" Jon said to himself, half heartedly trying to appeal to his own better nature.
"But who the fuck would know? You have everything you need" He thought.
"They probably needed a crane to lift her into that hole in the ground" Jon said aloud, grabbing his crotch. Thinking about how the groundkeepers plopped that sexy carcass into the dirt got him all hot and bothered.
"She's only been dead for a few months, with any luck her body is still warm... Or warm where it counts" Jon thought, slyly.
There was no going back at this point.
Jon grabbed his keys and threw on his jacket. He ran downstairs and waved goodbye to his mom. Jon stepped outside into the chilly, February air and on to his porch. He eyed the shovel. Or as he thought of it, the key to his abhorrent, unspeakable good time tonight.
"MOM!" Jon shouted. "I'm going to put the shovel away...I may be awhile, don't wait up!"