The Slayin Wagon

Horror story written by HannahsSuicidalThoughts on Tuesday 15, January 2019

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Description
A Horror story that takes Dylan (our main protagonist) on a wild adventure over the course of one night. At the end of the night either Dylan will be dead, or the sick and twisted organisation he works for will be.

Overall Rating: Not Rated

This writing has not yet been rated and therefore this information is not yet available.
Chapter 1. Dylan's heart was slamming through his chest. The night air was cold and crisp, every breath felt like icy fingers restricting his lungs. The frozen grass crunched under his sneakers, he moved silently and smooth up to the window. Peering through the glass he could barely see the interior, the nearest light came from the street lamps which were situated too far away to give any useful illumination. He was dressed head to toe in black, Hoodie, black jeans and black sneakers. A black beanie kept all the heat from leaving his body. His apparel was nothing more than utilitarian.  Taking a small object from his pocket, Dylan pried the window open a crack, using his fingers to open the window fully, he climbed quickly through the opening into the house. Dylan couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of dread, if he didn't hurry up, every single resident of 1192 Carmine ave would be witness to a living nightmare, there was an unstoppable horror show on its way, he had witnessed the devastation too many times himself, not this time. Not her. With one smooth and silent motion he closed the window behind him, the warmth suddenly hugged Dylan like a heated blanket, and with the vulnerability of the street behind him, he finally managed to gather his thoughts. He knew that with every delay the seconds were ticking, each tick dragging an abomination closer and closer to him and this poor family. With no time left and without letting his eyes adjust to the darkness, Dylan disappeared into the darkness.  BANG!!! "FUCK!! Who put that there?" Dylan muffled the words as his eyes started to fill up. Halfway through his trek across the darkened living room, His shin had struck the edge of a rather hefty wooden coffee table. Dylan had always been an impulsive teen, still at the tender age of 18, he lacked many of the emotions that make adults that much more caution than their adolescent counterparts. The problem was, Dylan had already done his usual due diligence on this family, over the last few days he had already scoped out the house several times, twice from the outside spending several hours recording the families coming and goings, he even managed to sneak inside when the entire family had decided to go on a lengthy run for groceries. He was not unfamiliar with the inside of the living room, its how he knew the window could be easily jimmied open. This new painful addition to the living room was most definitely not excepted.  With the pain now throbbing down his leg, his progress was considerably slowed, not only by his hobble, but just in case someone had decided to add a decorative spike pit to the living room decor that he was surely to plummet into. His new cautioned speed worried him greatly, knowing what was coming, every fiber of his being wanted to burst into a run, the only thing stopping him was the throbbing reminder of his previous recklessness. Allowing himself a small sigh of release he finally reached the bottom of the stairs. Dylan had never ventured upstairs during his previous break in, he wasn't sure if these stairs would alarm the entire house of his presence. With not one more second to waste, he ventured up the stairs two at a time.  Dylan stood motionless at the top of the staircase, listening intently for any sounds that would indicate his presence had been detected. The sound of his own heartbeat thundered in his ears, but no shouts of distress, no gunshots shattering the peaceful silence of the darkened residence. Suddenly hit with a huge wave of urgency, he pushed forward. By this time his eyes had adjusted to the gloomy interior of the house, he could now make out furnishings and other shapes in the darkness, he hurried along the corridor counting the doors as he went. Two days previous, Dylan had scouted the families movements within the house. He had taken notes on which member belonged to which bedroom. He was now inside the house, but the layout was easily translated from his outside perch. Finally at his chosen destination, Dylan's heart started to slam against his chest, once again putting him into a state of panic. With every single hair on the back of his neck standing to attention, he gripped the handle and turned.  The door opened smooth and silently. As he pushed, the air from within the bedroom was disturbed and pushed its way into the hallway. The wonderful smells of freshly laundered clothing,some kind of strawberry based fragrant and the faint smell of cosmetics, Dylan knew he was at the right room. Entering the room, he closed the door behind him. Quick footsteps to the edge of the bed and his heart could now be visibly seen beating through his Hoodie. Dylan Slowly removed the beanie from his head, all the while staring at what lay a mere arms length away from him.        The teenage girl in the bed was lying on her back. Dylan could see the light rise and fall of her chest as she slept peacefully, he would have given anything for this girl to not have been targeted, the irony struck him hard as he realised he would never have come into her life if she and her family were not the target of tonight's  GAMES. At this point he had been staring at her chest for far too long, he felt blood starting to rush to his cheeks, quickly moving his gaze to the girls face, he almost let out an audible sigh. He had seen this girl only from his vantage point in the woods behind the house, being so close to her now he could see how stunning she truly looked. She had shoulder length hair, lightly curled toward the ends. her lips were full and slightly parted, through her lips he could see a gleaming set of white teeth. This girl was something to look at, her face was full but not chubby, Dylan assumed her body followed suit. He had already studied her bosom a little more than he would care to admit, they were full and round, even on her back you could tell this girl was envied by most girls her age. Her age? Dylan could see that she was certainly not a women, his best guess would be between 15 and 19. He looked around the room to see if there were any indicators.  The walls were adorned with posters of bands Dylan had never heard of, he did notice the distinct lack of boy band posters, which would put her age at the latter end of his original guess. A particularly garish poster with a black and red border peeked Dylan's interest, it had a pentagram on it with simulated blood splattered across it, no doubt this particular band thought it was very edgy and cool to use such imagery, they had no idea of the real horrors contributed to these satanic symbols... wait.. from somewhere deep in the recesses of Dylan's mind he heard a faint noise, the noise started to get louder and louder, this sound was very familiar to him, it was a scream, the scream rattled around his head like a peanut caught in a shell game, it wanted nothing more than to escape his mouth, its only with sheer force that he managed to swallowed it back down into the depths of his psyche. The relief was short lived, Dylan suddenly realised why he wanted to scream. He had heard the sound of breaking glass from somewhere in the depths of the house. He now knew that the horror show that awaited them all had not only arrived, it had put up its tent and was about to begin. His rescue mission had failed. Reaching toward the sleeping girl, the previous scream along with a couple of friends, panic and terror came sprinting back into the forefront of his mind,he could now plainly see that the sleeping girl was staring at him with two of the widest and most beautiful eyes he had ever seen.   
   

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Comments

    Glad to see you held off on long enough to post this.
    Very well written with a few problems, one of which "comma splice" occurs many times -- once even 4 times in one sentence. Also, small numbers (the exact limit varies but at least all under 100) should be spelled out.

    Slayin {"The Slayin' Wagon" or "The Slaying Wagon" only use I know for "slayin" refers to a person who is ultra chic in modern slang}
    The night air was cold and crisp, every breath felt like icy fingers restricting his lungs. {This is a comma splice: a comma can't usually join 2 complete sentences. Use : or ; or sometimes -- (dash). The next sentence has one also, as do many others.}
    ... black, Hoodie, black jeans and black sneakers. {1st comma maybe should be : and no capital "H" (2 places) I also prefer the "Oxford comma" as do many editors so a comma after "jeans"}
    ... Carmine ave would... {"Ave." or "Avenue"}
    ... much more caution than their... {"cautious" or "act with much more caution"}
    ... living room, its how he knew... {"it's" (2 places)}
    ... definitely not excepted. {"expected" maybe}
    ... bosom a little more... admit, they were full... {"bosom" is singular; "they" is plural -- this is difficult to word both correctly and so it makes sense in English, especially S.E. or USA English}

    Since Dylan had not gone upstairs on his sole prior in-house excursion, you should explain how he knew the bedroom assignments.

    Good introduction; hope you last long enough to finish the story. Write on.
    To Alex, Thank you so much for reading this. I really do appreciate your time and effort. Proper grammatical syntax has always been a problem, lack of formal education i guess. Is there some resource that you would recommend which demonstrates good and proper usage of all the things i clearly need help with ? Smile Much thanks in advance.
    Hannah, note that I write and comment based on S.E. (Simplified English: Routh's term for the US and, strangely, Israeli bastardized version of our almost common language) and I am unfamiliar with some peculiarities and aberrations of P.E. (Primitive English, my label for the UK/CAN/AUS version). You didn't say directly but I presume from your writing you also wrote in S.E. here. The best authority I know for "correct" syntax in S.E. is the 'Chicago Manual of Style' which is also the "bible" of many editors. CMOS is available on-line as well as in hard copy. It may be a little stilted in places -- OK, a lot stilted in a lot of places -- but if you are serious about writing it will be a great help. There are also a number of programs which identify grammatical errors with varying degrees of effectiveness: 'Grammarly" is allegedly one of the better ones. It really is essential to learn the rules so that when you break them, as you will, you will do so consciously and produce the effect you want. You will also find it helpful to study the works of writers you wish to emulate with attention to their methods and style. Write on.
    I liked this. Great intro, and you set the stage nicely for the next chapter.

    Good job.