Blood Hunters - Prologue

Thriller written by GreyWolf on Sunday 30, December 2018

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"Vampires are but weak, fictional characters" had we always been told when growing up, but in London 2019, they are very real, and very dangerous. Only the elite group of Vampire Slayers, the Hunters, dare to stand up against these mysterious monsters.

Overall Rating: 83.2%

This writing has been rated by 1 members, resulting in a rating of 83.2% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:91%
Imagery:72%
Spelling & Grammar:94%
Flow/Rhythm:88%
Vocabulary:71%
Street lights illuminated the dark, misty streets of London. This night had been surprisingly silent, as normally the streets would’ve been swarming with people, despite the hour. But now, not a single soul walked under the stars, except for Sawyer Morley, who roamed through the city with nothing but a sheathed katana tied to his waist and a silver rifle in his hands. Carefully did Sawyer walk through the night, making sure that he didn’t make a single sound, as his mission was to be as silent as possible. ‘Why me?’ had he asked when his leader Giedda told him that he had to follow and kill this beast ‘Why not send Isabella, she’s got the skills.’ ‘Isabella is busy attending other cases, and skill has nothing to do with this; silence and carefulness does, and you’ve got both.’ Giedda replied ‘Now, without any objections, grab your weapons and kill it, before it kills you.’ Sawyer wanted to say no, but the look on Giedda’s face scared him. As a matter of the fact, Giedda scared him as a whole, the stern stature, the cold eyes and the Spine chilling voice. ‘Focus on the prey’ Sawyer thought to himself ‘You’re here now: no turning back.’ Without him noticing, two red eyes stared at Sawyer from a dark alley, following his movements when he walked past it. ‘What do we have here?’ A soft, female voice said from within the alley. Sawyer froze where he was standing ‘Did I hear that right?’ He thought ‘This can’t be real.’ ‘Oh, but it is true darling, very true.’ The voice said again ‘D-did you just?’ Sawyer asked scared ‘read your mind? Perhaps.’ The voice continued ‘So, little Giedda sent us another snack huh? How thoughtful.’ She laughed, and Sawyer saw a woman walking out of the alley. Dressed in a tight, knee-high, red dress with black high heels, the woman looked as if she just walked out of an old-fashioned mobster movie. ‘W-who are you?’ Sawyer asked as he turned to face the woman ‘You must have heard about me at least once Sweety.’ The woman said, and only now could Sawyer hear the slight Italian dialect in her voice. The woman stared at Sawyer with thirst in her eyes, licking her blood-red lips with joy ‘What do you mean?’ He asked her confused ‘Oh, you’re really just here to satisfy our hunger, aren’t you? How cute.’ The woman giggled as she brushed the back of her hand across her pale face ‘Boys, dinner’s ready.’ She yelled, and three man emerged from the dark alley to accompany her, all three of them as pale as the woman. Sawyer pointed his gun at the group, his hands shaking with fear as he tried to aim at the woman. ‘How cute, the hunter thinks he can simply shoot us.’ The woman giggled ‘Boys, let’s eat.’ She said, and the three men made their way towards Sawyer. In a wild panic, Sawyer pulled the trigger, and a single bullet hit one of the men in the shoulder, but it did nothing to him, he just staggered for a while before continuing the slow chase. Sawyer tried to reload his weapon to shoot again, but one of them had already made his way towards him, and grabbed his gun and flung it right out of his hands. ‘Get away from me!’ Sawyer pushed the man away and unsheathed his sword before cutting the guy in half diagonally. Blood sprayed all across the street as the man screamed in pain while his torso slid from his legs. Within seconds, the man turned grey before dissolving in the wind. ‘Hmm, this one puts up a better fight than the last one. I hate it. Let’s end this.’ The woman said to herself before running towards Sawyer. Without him noticing, the woman stood behind him. ‘Thank you Giedda, for this wonderful meal.’ She whispered into Sawyer’s ear before sinking her teeth into his neck. A sharp pain filled his body as he felt how his blood got sucked out of his body. The woman released Sawyer’s neck, blood dripping from her chin as she flung back her head and moaned in pleasure ‘This one’s tasty.’ She laughed as Sawyer fell on his knees, blood spraying out of his neck. ‘Boys, take a bite.’ She said, and while trying to cling to his life, he saw how the two remaining men opened their mouths, sharp fangs instead of normal teeth made their way towards Sawyer’s body, and the two man and the woman tore Sawyer to shreds while he screamed in anguish, until his screams faded, and all that was left of him was nothing but a corpse that was getting drained of blood.
   

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Comments

    Grey, this reminded me of another writing but your profile shows only this post. h, well.
    This needs a lot of editing, especially the last 2 paragraphs.
    'This night had been... streets had been...' "had been" twice suggests both events at the same time -- maybe "would have been" for the 2nd occurrence
    '... single soul walks...' present tense doesn't fit with the rest
    Direct quotes from separate speakers should be in separate paragraphs usually.
    '... with this, silence and...' need some other punctuation here, maybe ; or : instead of ,
    'Focus on the pray Sawyer...' "prey" (although he should have been praying also)
    punctuation needed separating thoughts from leading/following words
    'Without noticing,' as written, it's the eyes not noticing
    Write on.
    Alex,

    Thanks for the advise, I'll edit it as soon as I can.

    One question though: I didn't really get what you meant with "punctuation needed separating thoughts from leading/following words
    'Without noticing,' as written, it's the eyes not noticing"

    Could you please explain this further?
    Grey, the 2 comments were unrelated although the confusion is understandable.

    punctuation needed separating thoughts from leading/following words
    Verbatim thoughts should be treated like direct quotes except '...' and/or italics instead of "..." and they should also be separated by punctuation:
    Focus on the prey, Sawyer thought to himself, You’re here now: no turning back.
    (italics don't work in comments: use your italics in above)
    'Focus on the prey,' Sawyer thought to himself, 'You’re here now: no turning back.'
    Italics is probably better as ' can be confused with apostrophes and secondary quotes (primary in P.E.)
    Note: unless your character is knowingly telepathic, 'thought to himself' is redundant (to whom else?)
    Also, the last thought was a comma splice: a , can't usually join two complete sentences.

    'Without noticing, two red eyes...'
    as written, grammatically, it's the eyes not noticing; maybe use 'Without him noticing, two red eyes...'

    In case I didn't make it clear previously, I'm a nitpicker.