Small Writing Sample

Story written by TeeJay MP on Thursday 13, December 2018

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I was just playing around and it kind of came to me. It's not the beginning nor is it the end. I haven't really planned their names yet either. It's the very first draft, so it hasn't been edited yet. hope you enjoy. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

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He knew he was pacing but what else could he do? No one was telling him anything and his world was in there. Not knowing if she was okay or even alive was killing him. He couldn’t breathe again until he saw her for himself, why couldn’t anyone understand that? He stopped the closest nurse, he needed answers. He’d fought the two male doctors who had held him back when they rushed her into surgery, and he hadn’t stopped fighting until two of his closest friends took over. He’d fought them a bit too but they somehow managed to get him to stop trying to sneak in to see her. Her eyes had closed on the way to the hospital and hadn’t opened again. He just wanted to see her eyes again, happy, angry, anything. He was probably close to obsession than to just caring. He needed her. “It’s been three hours! What’s going on in there? Is she okay?” He more yelled it at her than asked calmly. And he knew he was being a jackass but he couldn’t calm down until he saw her. He knew if things turned out alright he’d have to apologize to the hospital staff for his behavior but right now he could care less about being a gentleman. “The doctors are doing everything they can to help your wife. When the doctors are finished they will come to speak with you” the nurse calmly said. She didn’t even seem surprised about his behavior. His best friend Matt patted his shoulders and spoke with the nurse. “ we really do appreciate everything you guys are doing for her. Please keep us updated with any news you may receive” She didn’t so much as smile at Matt, which most women did when it came to the ladies man that he was. A woman his charm didn’t work on? Now that’s a first. But at the moment not enough to keep his thoughts occupied. Had she been breathing when they got here? He couldn’t remember. After the fifth hour, a doctor came out. He rushed to him. “You’re wife’s surgeries were a success. At this moment we’d like to keep a close eye on her and keep her in an induced coma for 48 hours just to be safe from the possible chance of reopening some of her wounds.” That’s great and all but the surgeries being successful and her actually waking up were two different things. He needed to see her for himself. Needed to watch her breathing. Needed to hear her speak. He just needed her. “When can I see her Doc?” It must have been the desperation on his face but the doctor seemed to have understood. Maybe he also had someone he loved as much as he loved his wife. “Usually I wouldn’t allow visitors but seeing as you’re her husband. I will allow you to sit with her if you’d like. But you mustn’t disrupt my staff when they come to check on her.” “I’d also like to place at least two guards outside the door until further notice” He agreed with his boss 100%. She was a target and still was. He’d agree to anything if it meant keeping her safe. He wouldn’t compromise on her safety. But he’d leave that up to his boss, the man was more than capable of handling it, all he’d focus on would be his wife. “Lead the way Doc” *** She was too still. He’d never forget how she looked in this moment, connected to all sorts of wires and tubes. He’d also never get how she looked covered in all the blood. It would give him nightmares for the rest of his life, he was sure of it. She hadn't deserved this, no one deserved something like this to happen to them. She deserved the world, and all the happiness she could get. He would show her as soon as she opened those big beautiful chocolate whiskey eyes of hers. It had been the longest 48 hours of his life. The nurse had come in every two hours to check on her but didn't say much, or maybe she did but he hadn't noticed. The last thing he remembered saying to her was no thank you when she offered him some coffee. He didn't want coffee, he wanted his wife... *** She felt the pain first, the burning, her neck, her chest, her arm, her stomach. Everything was on fire. Was she in a burning building? She didn't smell smoke. Was this hell? it was too dark, she couldn't see anything, couldn't hear anything but she could smell death. It took her moment but she could slowly feel her senses coming back, the beeping was the second thing she noticed after the pain. it was annoying, it didn't take rocket science for her to realize where she was, she didn't need to open her eyes to know either. She really was in hell. "Open your eyes babe" She tried, she really tried but they wouldn't open. She wanted to see him. It was all starting to come back to her. The last time she had opened her eyes, she had seen him, had seen real fear in his eyes, panic even, the same man that was fearless, she'd seen him scared. He had been begging her to do something but no matter how many times she replayed it in her head, she couldn't remember what he had said, it was like watching tv on mute. She needed to see him. She tried to open her eyes again. *** He'd felt her move, it wasn't much but it was enough to give him hope. "Open your eyes babe"

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    Overdue welcome, Tee. Since your profile indicates Canadian, I assume you write for a P.E. audience. Note that I write and comment based on S.E. (Simplified English: Routh's term for the US and, strangely, Israeli bastardized version of our almost common language) and I am unfamiliar with some peculiarities and aberrations of P.E. (Primitive English, my label for the UK/CAN/AUS version). If I indicate as an error or less desirable choice in wording or punctuation that which is actually correct or preferred in P.E., then I stand corrected and you should ignore that comment unless you intend significant P.E. readership.

    "He couldn’t breathe... himself, why couldn’t..." comma splice; in next sentence as well
    Normally, a , shouldn't join 2 clauses that can stand alone as valid sentences. Either:
    1) make them separate sentences
    2) use a conjunction or connecting word ("and" "or" etc.) between them
    3) use different punctuation, as : or : or even (as possibly in 1st instance here) --
    (there are several comma splices herein)
    "alright" is formally considered not a valid S.E. word, although it is ever more commonly used
    '... speak with you[,]” the nurse calmly said.'
    ... with the nurse. “ we really... may receive” ... with the nurse, “We really... may receive.”
    “When can I see her[,] Doc?”
    '... someone he loved as much as he loved his wife.' grammatically, each "he" refers to the doctor
    '... her husband. I will allow...' '... her husband, I will allow...' 1st clause isn't a sentence
    “I’d also like... further notice” “I’d also like... further notice.” who speaks here?
    'He agreed with his boss 100%.' where did whose boss come from?
    "But he’d... boss, the man... handling it, all... his wife." 2 comma splices joining 3 sentences
    "He’d also never get how..." forget?
    'it was too dark,' 'It was too dark,' 2 places

    An interesting vignette, but it is unkind to arouse interest and then not do anything with it. Well written despite a lot of easily-corrected syntax errors.
    Not enough here to tell much. Develop it a bit and give us a peek.
    Pretty good. I liked this, and it had good imagery dealing with emotions and feeling.

    You could easily expand this and make it part of something larger.