Even if storms may rage, friendship will bloom and live on

Story written by AKHR on Sunday 9, December 2018

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This is the beginning of my first-ever story. I write in my native language (German), then translate to English, so I'm especially grateful for critique concerning phrasing and grammar. The general story idea is about a girl with a certain past learning about human interactions.

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Hey, hey, I listen to you pray, as if some help will come... The bus was full, but not so much that it would cause unpleasant scramble. Still - the noise was bothersome. The noise and the faces. Idiotic laughter, aimless gaiety. These little, replaceable particles in the mechanism of society, that would work themselves to the bone for their whole lives for no reason at all, but gladly endure all this, because their pitifully weak attention was fixated on pleasant trivialities... Well, no reason to become arrogant. After all, I'm in no way an exception. Going to school, to work, to live... and decay while doing so. What's a spirit worth if it has a temporary lifespan? Hey, hey, to the suicide day, the blind man blunders on Hey, hey, She will dance on our graves, when we are dead and gone... While I was busy with pessimistic philosophizing, the bus had reached its destination. Of course not its destination, but mine and that of most other passengers at this time. My new school? Actually, I was the new one from the school's perspective. All the same - these were phrasing issues with no real relevance. I left the bus. The cold outside didn't go well with the dress code that I was notified of beforehand. Even though I was wearing a light jacket above, but that could not counter the heat loss caused by a skirt as legwear. However, since it only concerned a few dozen meters and since I had always loved the cold, I deemed it to be okay. Upon arriving at the school entrance, I took off my headphones and concentrated on the task lying before me. As a belated newcomer, I would have to introduce myself in front of the whole class. Should be doable. A friendly smile, acting open-minded, saying a few insignificant things, that would work. Only the hair could become a problem... usually, I dyed them black or blonde, but for this new life period of mine I left them white. They would provoke questions. I could tell them something about how the human body only produces a fixed amoung of hair pigments within a lifetime, and that mine had intended a very small amount... yes, I thought to myself, that was a good, a normal explanation. My efforts to prepare myself turned out to be redundant. The teacher, a grey-haired, bearded man in his fifties, whose name I forgot right away, managed the introduction - "This is your new classmate, Ilta Koivu, she's from Finland" - and assigned me a seat. Last row, on the right, at the wall. There were single seats, so this meant: only two direct neighbours, in the front and on the left. After that, the school day continued without any occurrences worthy of mention. I answered the questions of my more curious classmates with a noticeable lack of interest, even though I tried hard to be friendly. Later, I noticed that I had completely forgotten to use my facial musculature - which probably had major influence on the fast abatement of the initial interest. "Come with me, I'll show you your room!" I looked up. The source of this sudden statement was a seemingly enthusiastic girl with notably long, beautiful hair. Without bothering with my unmoved expression, she continued talking: "My name is Miu Nagano. Teacher Morimoto asked me to show you around - because my room happens to be the one right next to yours. So, unto good neighbourhood, Ilta!" With a radiant smile, she extended her open hand towards me. What should follow after that was clear to me: I would shake her hand, say something like "nice to meet you, I hope we'll become good friends" and be glad about my first successful social contact on this day. But habit and instinct got ahead of my plan, and so I stood up, ignoring her arm, looked her in the eye and said formally: "Understood. Let's go." Ah, too cold, too arrogant, I thought. I probably wasted my chance there. What a pity, she seemed like a nice person. Surprisingly, all of that didn't seem to bother her. Cheerfully, she led me through the building complex, explained the rules of the boarding school and only left when we stood in front of my room: "See you tomorrow, I have club activities to go to now. If you need anything, just ask me, my room is the one here on the left" - she pointed at the corresponding door - "and if you have a mobile phone, I'll just give you my number, okay? Bye then~" I nodded, a bit dazed, went into my accommodation and closed the door behind me. My stuff had already been brought inside, so I would spend the rest of the afternoon sorting them out. A short reflection on the day so far led me to make a negative remark concerning my own social skills, but I gave it a good rating after all, thanks to Miss Nagano, who seemed to be an absolute stroke of luck. With a contact like her, I thought, it should be easy to establish a network that would enable more opportunities for action within the boarding school for me. I decided to join a club within the week and to draw up detailed profile dossiers about all students in my grade and relevant persons outside it. This operation would play out different than the first.

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    Welcome, AKHR. Kudos, but no letting errors slide, for writing in 2nd (or 3rd or ??) language. Note that I write and comment based on S.E. (Simplified English: Routh's term for the US and, strangely, Israeli bastardized version of our almost common language) and I am unfamiliar with some peculiarities and aberrations of P.E. (Primitive English, my label for the UK/CAN/AUS version). If you intend significant P.E. readership and I indicate as an error or less desirable choice in wording or punctuation that which is actually correct or preferred in P.E., then I stand corrected and you should ignore that comment.

    '... cause [an] unpleasant scramble.' or '... cause unpleasant scrambling.'
    'Even though I was... above, but that... legwear.' "Even though" or "but" s/b omitted: as written, this is 2 dependent clauses
    'I deemed it to be okay.' "deemed" is overly formal for your style
    'I dyed them...' "it" or "mine" not them: S.E. rules for plural nouns are messed up. Basically, if the noun acts/is acted upon as a unit, it is treated as singular; if not, then as plural. Correctly one should say, "The audience applauds as it rises in a standing ovation and then they leave or return to their seats for intermission." However, hardly anybody follows those rules and the noun is usually treated as singular unless it is disruptive.
    'I could tell them something...' "them" still seems to be referring to "hair"
    ... from Finland[.]"
    '... this meant: only two...' : unnecessary
    '... she continued talking:' , preferred over : here
    '... like[,] "Nice to meet you: I hope we'll become good friends," and...'
    '... sorting them out.' "it" not "them"

    In normal text ellipses can be effective, but only when used very sparingly. I over use them also.
    You should attribute the 'White Coats' quotes.

    Quite an interesting opening. Basically very well written despite a few syntax errors, but only a few by type and all easily corrected. Schreib weiter!