my world after doomsday chapter 2

Fantasy written by billt1984 on Monday 5, November 2018

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the second chapter of my attempt at a cultivation novel

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Chapter 2 Waking up There is a banging on the door as I am lying in my bed. I shout out the window, “I’m coming”, as I start to pull on my shorts. The air conditioner has been broken for a week now, and apparently it will be another 3 weeks before they can get someone out here to fix it. It is the end of August and at night the temperature is still over 30 degrees outside. With the humidity it feels like hell, a hot wet sticky hell. I suddenly hear, “police, open up”, as I am moving down the dark hallway with flashing blue and red light bouncing against the window. I let out a groan of “oh hell”. Looking at the door I can vaguely see the outline of two persons standing there. I shout “I’m coming as fast as I can or you’ll arrest me for indecent exposure” I hear a laugh and a gruff voice saying “just hurry the hell up”. I get to the door and flick the lock to open it and slowly I see the officers standing there. I ask them “how can I help you?” The smaller one a very pretty looking lady with dark eyes who says, “we have reports of someone screaming. You don’t mind if we come in do you?” as she sticks her foot in the door jam. I look at her and her partner who is a very big man looking a lot like a GI Joe action figure easily being over 6 feet tall towering over me with biceps bigger than Marc Mcgwire and looking like he expected enemies everywhere. Both have one hand on their sidearm and the other arm in front of them. Thinking quickly so as not to get shot I raised my hands into the open showing I am unarmed and say, “of course not. I mean it’s 3 am so I’m obviously not at my best and not too happy but I had already had my sleep ruined”. Looking at them I open my mouth to invite them in but the big guy says “we don’t care about your condition we just need to do our job. Is there anyone else in the building?” Looking at her I say “I’m the only one here and I’m trying to be cooperative. I have not objected and tried to make more work for you demanding a warrant or calling a lawyer and you can hear the kids next door who are still acting like drunken assholes celebrating the end of summer. Since he doesn’t seem to be very friendly nicely can I talk with you?” She smiles a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, her hand still on her firearm. “Go ahead,” she replies. Seeing the suspicion of me in their eyes I began, “Well, I was having a horrible dream where I was being stabbed through the chest with the blade going all the way through followed by a burning metal being poured into there by this monster in a human form”. Proceeding to open the door widely, I can hear him grumbling about me being so rude which stops as I open the door wider so that they can come inside. I find it mighty weird that he stops calling me rude. Maybe he finally realized that I could complain. He doesn’t seem like the smartest one around. “So naturally I must have screamed as I was coming out of the dream and someone was actually sober enough next door to call the cops.” They began searching the house from top to bottom looking for a person or something out of place. They didn’t ask me if I had anything I didn’t want them to know about or try to intimidate me or trick me in any way. After they finished searching the house the big guy was suddenly very polite and asked me if he should go tell the kids to turn down their music. I thanked him and said it wasn’t necessary I would normally be waking up soon anyways thinking to myself how weird it was that he was so nice after starting as such an asshole while his partner kept eyeing me like I was a monster.

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    Well, Bill, this doesn't seem to add much to your story -- certainly not enough to be a chapter. It is full of mistakes that I'm sure you could find if you tried. Using the Den as a proofreading service deprives you of a valuable resource. Still hoping for more of the story.
    Hi Alex

    I did originally have this as a larger chapter but my aunts and uncles who i have been using to proof read kept telling me that it was 2 big a chapter for people to bother reading now and days, ill put it up as i originally had it let me know what you think.

    also thank you i know it can be hard to be polite when offering criticism, I think you do a great job since i hear what your saying and don't feel hurt by it which is a great skill.
    This is a good scene, but it feels unfinished. Seems you could add more to it.
    You also have the same problem as Chapter 1. You have poor sentence structure. You need a good edit.