my world after doomsday? chapter 1

Sci-Fi Story written by billt1984 on Monday 5, November 2018

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xianxia type of story just a couple of chapters looking for feedback and Canadian english so if you think its wrong 50/50

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Chapter 1 More than a dream My name is Bill. I live a simple life in a mid-sized city in the great white north. I like it. I go to work. I read. I talk to my friends and family and I don’t stress out about too much. One week ago. Everything changed for me. I had a dream. In it I talked to a being. Was it a god? An angel? Or maybe a guardian spirit or maybe just me getting a big head? I don’t know. She would not answer me. She just sat there staring at me with her long, dark hair, her perky breasts, slender hips and long legs and well-tanned skin - kind of looking like a native north American and an Asian person and yet like neither. She is dressed in crudely made leathers with beadings, feathers and some sort of markings painted into the material that glowed. For 3 nights in a row she sat until finally she rose into the air, looked down and said to me, “You are a not the best person around. You are not a superman, or a genius or a saint being super kind and a generous person. Actually from your jokes and everything, you are simply an asshole”. I think to myself, “Shit - what an asshole. This is my dream and she is going to talk to me like that. I start to image kicking her ass for being a mean-spirited bitch or giving her a spanking because she acts like snot-nosed brat who always gets her own way and blames the servants in what is after all my dream. “I am not rude, I am not spoiled, and this is not a dream” she says to me. As she says this, from nowhere a gigantic sword that is taller than she is - probably 5 feet, with the blade alone, appears in her hand. She strokes it like it is her favorite pet before suddenly spinning it faster than the eye can follow. Suddenly the blade still spinning starts moving forward just as fast and the spin stops as she stabs it into my chest. With a sucking sound the blade pushes past the skin and muscles hitting against the bone. The blade doesn’t slow down grating against my rib cage along my spine before bursting out of my back where it suddenly stops. I try to scream as I cough up blood onto her face. For the first time in 3 nights she smiles at me as I fall onto the ground. “Listen carefully” she says to me. I start shouting, “You stabbed me you ” a spray of blood is all that comes out. “You are out of shape. You are pretty smart but why is everything that you do know useless fantasy books or random stuff like how cakes get hard when they go stale and biscuits go soft? How pointless is that? You are, despite all of that, still human and well the only human I could seem to be able to reach.” I think to myself, “Gee, what a rousing recommendation. Not wanting her to do anything more and really coughing up blood, I can’t say much with the sword so I stay quiet. “This is your one chance to be better then you have been. Our world ended in ice and death, and soon the world as you know it will end in madness, brutality and death. I will give you the remains of our power to use even though it is just a seed of true power. With you it will be a seed of hope for the future to grow and thrive or twist and corrupt based on you.” With that everything except the sword starts to disappear. After everything else is gone, it is just me and the sword floating in a void. The blade of the sword starts to disappear leaving just the hilt which begins glowing a bright orange floating before me. The sword hilt is turning to a glowing white-hot light with a hint of something beyond that as it is moving towards me. The hilt starts spinning quickly and becomes a blur that suddenly flies forward pushing its way into my chest. I can feel it straining against my ribcage for about a fraction of a second then a snap as my ribcage breaks and the hilt is pushed through it melting inside me as it surrounds and fixes but also tears apart my heart. I start to scream as I wake up. I was screaming so loud that even the neighbours who are always partying screamed to shut up.
   

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    Welcome, Bill. This is an excellent beginning as to concept; syntax, not so much. Remember I use and comment based on S.E. (Simplified English: per Routh the language of the US and, strangely, Israel; you probably use P.E. (Primitive English, my term for that of the UK, CAN, & AUS. Beyond your love of the useless "u" many other usage differences exist, especially in punctuation.

    'I like it I go to work.' needs something (punctuation, maybe) between "it" & "I go"
    'One week ago. Everything changed...' 1st part is not a sentence; s/b connected to 2nd part
    'She is dressed...' switch from past to present awkward here
    '... some sort of markings painted into it that glows.' "it" to "them" & "glow" (plural subject)
    'For 3 nights...' spell out numbers at least up to ten, usually higher
    “Shit - what an asshole.... talk to me like that.["]
    '... she acts like [a] spoiled princess...'
    '... faster then the eye can follow.' "than" not "then"
    'With a sucking sound as the blade... bone.' not sentence as written: replace "as" with comma

    Problems with quotes: Direct quotations from different speakers should almost always be in separate paragraphs. Any opening quote " should have a closing quote. Usually thoughts use '...' when spoken quotes use "..." and vice-versa, or sometimes thoughts are underlined.
    Pick a tense (past is easier) and stick to it, at least for the entire scene; switching is disruptive.
    Several places where "sentence" is not really a sentence, sometimes due to superfluous word.
    Repeating a word can make a story tedious: use alternatives for diversity:
    scream(ing) -- yell, call; my dream -- my fantasy, (after stabbing) my nightmare
    I'm a fan of perky (& less perky) breasts, but unless they contribute to the story don't see the point.
    The same with spanking a tiny woman. A piece of advice: never even contemplate spanking anyone until being positive shem isn't packing a sword.

    You need to edit carefully before posting, so that the comments you receive will be more helpful rather than point out things you could find yourself. I find that putting a writing aside for a few days before proofing helps me spot errors; find out what works for you.
    Waiting for the next chapter. Ooops, just remembered it's already here. Write on.
    Alex hit a lot of the errors, but here is one he missed. You have a lot of poorly constructed sentences. For example: "As she says this, from nowhere a gigantic sword that is taller than she is - probably 5 feet, with the blade alone, appears in her hand." - Try something like this: "She speaks, and a giant sword, longer than she is tall, appears. She is holding it in her hand as though it were a toy."

    Get the idea?

    Now, that said, you have the beginning of a good plot. This is interesting, and I would like to see where you take it. But I think you need a good edit. Cool