Mindgames, my collection of deja-vu flashes
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I sort of remember that day. The day we become a couple. It was a beautiful Monday in October. And every time the clock shows 10.27, I remember that day.
Slightly warmer than other days. Sun shining down from the skies in its golden autumn colour. Air crisp and fresh. Invigorating. I remember being very nervous and excited. So much so that I skipped school, because I knew I would meet her later in the afternoon.
I spent the day waiting for time to pass at the city’s little island. Walking up and down, watching birds fly away, land around me and feed away on whatever they found on the ground. Looking at parents bringing their children down by the river to get some fresh air and play. Sitting on the flood barrier just wondering what it will be like. Ooh, I can remember the feeling. Heart pounding heavy in my chest. Ears buzzing, head swaying. Hands shaking. I wasn’t in love yet, but it was the drum roll just before. Sometime around noon a nearby church started ringing its bells, scaring the peacefully pecking birds, launching them into sky screeching indignantly. The flock of them flying up inspired me to a poem. I’ve written so many those days. My young heart was full of emotions and found a way to lay them on paper. Some of them good, others not so much. I think I titled that one ‘Noon time chime’. I guess I could find it in one of my old poem notebooks.
Around here I lost track of things. Can’t remember much. I don’t know any more when did she arrive. What did we do, or talk about. I vaguely recall sitting on bench looking out on the river. Talking probably about our day or some such.
There is one thing I do remember tough. I am not sure why I do, and not sure how long will I remember, but I cherish this memory, even after a decade. It fills my heart with joy and happiness.
We were about to leave for the bus, stood up and started walking. She held her hand out and took mine into hers. Looking at me with the sweetest smile of all. My heart just burst. I stood there for a moment paralysed and lightning struck. Looking down at our hands locked together. World spinning around me and suddenly with an earthquake like feeling it clicked into place. I found my home. There and then I knew where I belonged. That must have been the moment I fell in love with her. Fell in real love for the very first time.
She looked at me questioningly, not knowing just how much did holding hands with her meant to me. I told her all my longing for someone to hold me, someone to care for me. The feeling of having a hole in my heart, and her just filling it in.
We spent another four and a half years in happiness together. Many of those years I forgot. But sometimes, when the circumstances are right, or the air smells like it did back then, the night feels the same, the rain or wind hits my face the same as it did long ago, I remember a moment of our life together. A tiny little flash of time travel, an uncanny deja-vu. Like submerging into the vast ocean of long lost memories. I can see these moments of pure joy, happiness. And can’t help but wonder. Do you ever have the same? Do you ever remember us? Do you ever think about us? I wish I knew the answer.