There are good and bad ways to survive city living.
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Carry a good amount of cash or carry none. Under no circumstance should you carry $11. Here’s why:
A mugger holds you up. “Okay, give me you wallet and no one has to get hurt here. What’s this? Eleven dollars? You have eleven dollars? What the hell does that get you? I feel foolish now. I said ‘No one has to get hurt here but things just changed.’ ”
It could go this way instead. “Give me your wallet and you’ll get out of this alright. What’s this? No cash? Wow, you’re one of those plastic people. This business is going to the dogs. Well, I guess I can’t criticize you being careful. Get
out of here.”
It could go this way too:
“Okay, give me your wallet and no yelling. I hate yelling. Hmm, a hundred. No a lot but not eleven dollars like one guy I mugged. Okay, move along and no yellin.”
Never cross the street using a crosswalk. You’re just giving the driver the opportunity to see you. Then they can pick a target, which can be you, and plan the timing on the light.
“Hey! Get going. We have the right to cross now,” the man behind you yells as you hesitate.
“Umm, you go first.”
“Oh, you sis-aiheee!”
No, cross in the middle of the block. The traffic there never moves. Look inside one of them and you’ll be watching The Walking Dead.
Never get into an elevator with two fat people. Yea, the carny guys are good at guessing people’s weights but you aren’t a carny person. Plus, a carny only loses a buck for being wrong. You lose it all if your wrong. Note: Don’t panic if the door doesn’t open when you get to your floor. There’s a key for the Fire Department to use on the top of the buttons. I don’t know how they get in to use it. I can’t help you with this one. Just beware if the elevator creaks when you step in.
Never get into an elevator with a patient while you’re at the hospital visiting you Aunt May. First off, you don’t know what disease he or she may be casting off.
“Hey! This guy’s dead,” one tech yells out.
“So? I’m just a volunteer here. Not my problem. I’m leaving and you can take him to the morgue before he gets ripe.”
Then the elevator gets stuck.
How much to tip a cabby? It depends on how fat the cabby is. You can generally outrun a fat cabby after a 20 per cent tip. No one would dare give less. They might just throw some bullets your way it you ever tipped less. I always go with 25 per cent to be on the safe side. That’s important in any city.
Never talk to a cabby. Some won’t comprehend what you’re saying and will get pissed off. The ones who do understand don’t want to talk about the weather or your flight or anything you want to talk about. They’ll do the talking and you’ll do the listening.
On a plane trip to a city never turn a movie on and say out loud, “Hey, I wonder what this is?”
You will be knocked to the floor by a former SEAL and put in a choke hold. The plane will land and a TSA agent will scream, “What does ‘I wonder what this is mean?’ ” Never answer without a lawyer present which you won’t get for security reasons. In other words, you’re screwed.
When you eat out never glance into the kitchen. Never think about it. If you look you will see things you won’t like and, perhaps, not believe. Not all life in there is human. Believe this- you will never look at food the same way again. You can make yourself a sandwich and you will get queasy.
Bear in mind that waiters are not there to serve you. That’s just a part of their job. They are there to talk you into a 350 dollar bottle of wine to go along with your 145 dollar dinner. That’s 145 each.
Never look at anyone on a subway, not even a glance. Don’t try to look through them ether.
“Whatcha lookin at. You lookin at me, huh? Ya best be lookin at somethin else. What did I just tell you?”
Never use a public toilet. This is actually true any place but especially in a city. You not only might catch something you might not get out alive. If you just have to go to one don’t, under any circumstance, speak to anyone. Don’t speak to a cop in uniform. A real cop wouldn’t use a public toilet. They use alleys.
Never pick up a hooker in the city. You might not get what you think you’re getting. You will get what you deserve though although it may not be noticeable at the time.
Never try to be nice to a homeless person. If you do a bunch of them with come at you and you’ll attract muggers. Their thought is, “If you have money for a bum you have money for me.”
Don’t pet a strange dog. Not because they might be rabid, and they might be. Don’t pet them because they may not be dogs, They very well might be rats. They may or may not be rabid. It won’t matter. One rat can eat one person.
Never carry a gun in a city. They do not allow that. Only the police gang members and muggers can carry guns. When asked what to do when a mugger is armed and you aren’t the cops will tell you, “Don’t come to the city if that’s you attitude.”
Don’t use those swinging doors if you’re a little slow walking. You will never get out. You will get dizzy and fall. Then the door will drag you around. Don’t do this. It sounds a lot like common sense but you’d be surprised at how many times it happens. Ever seen a dirty door floor on a revolving door?