A Shattered Dance

Story written by Bambi on Tuesday 2, January 2007

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Description
A recollection of a young lady - Not sure if I like this one guys. It is just an attempt.

Overall Rating: 83.96%

This writing has been rated by 10 members, resulting in a rating of 83.96% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:82.4%
Imagery:87.3%
Spelling & Grammar:82.5%
Flow/Rhythm:81.6%
Vocabulary:86%
There she is, the petite and fragile looking girl looking back from the full length antique mirror. She tilts her head to the side and brushes the errant strand of auburn hair back into its sophisticated style. Green eyes stare back confidently through her. Are they green? No one has been able to decide. Sometimes they are yellow; at others a warm honeyed brown. Today she decides they are definitely green. She bends down and adjusts a stocking over toned and well defined legs. Her skin is pale and almost translucent. She has never liked the sun and would prefer to be flawless rather than freckled. Besides, she has always had a liking for drama. The fitted costume she is wearing could only be called theatrical. Its style and cut is elegant and the black fabric is a striking contrast against her skin. However, sophistication would not be enough tonight. Now her face, transformed from its everyday appearance into the perfect mask. Black eyeliner and kohl heavily applied to emphasise and frame the green. A light bronze blush heightens and contours already unique features. Now her lips, she paints them blood red, perfectly filling in a full and luscious mouth. She contemplates the effect and is happy. Her attention is caught by her feet. Covered by her stockings she knows what really lies there. Scarred and bandaged, her feet have experienced pain like no other. They are mangled and deformed from the torture she inflicts upon them daily. They will bleed again before the night is over. It is a small price to pay. She slips into the arch of her shoes and contemplates the subtle elegance of the façade. Bending over she buckles the straps around her ankle. Suddenly, she is taller. She straightens, starts, he is standing behind her. Tall, strong and ready he reaches for her hand. He is her friend, lover and partner. They had worked hard towards this night. Soon it would be over. He is still reaching for her and she smiles turns towards him and away from her reflection. The image is gone, shattered. Memories of that night dissipate like a recoiling fog. It is only in the mirror that she can relive that moment. Thunderous applause and judges' comments are now only a passing recollection, but the reflection will be real forever. She is standing, petite and fragile looking back from the mirror. She sighs and does a practiced spin. Enjoys, the fleeting few seconds of feeling free she then returns from her revere. Grabbing her brown woollen coat she searches for her well used black handbag. There is no comfort in reminiscing about youthful dreams. The silence is broken by someone yelling. Hurry up we're late. She smiles; he has always been ready before she was.
   

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Comments

    idk what you mean by attempt it seems to me you've succeeded. i wish i had the patience to write such detailed stories. nice job.
    Sad, intimate and personal. Beautifully written, so much imagery in such a short piece
    A nice start, your words open the scene and paint it like a canvas, then just as quick, pull you back to reality, to the beginning of a story. Well done.
    You write beautifully. Intense imagry, and a excellent grasp of language. Well done. Grin
    Absolutly love your analogies. Don't see enough good ones these days.
    I loved reading your story. I hope you don't mind me saying that it is really good mind candy (very mind/visual stimulating) It was a nice piece that excited me. The best I've read so far. It kept my interest all the way through and kept me wanting more.

    Well done, and hope you keep submiting more!

    Gracindo Jason Pereira
    I loved reading your story. I hope you don't mind me saying that it is really good mind candy (very mind/visual stimulating) It was a nice piece that excited me. The best I've read so far. It kept my interest all the way through and kept me wanting more.

    Well done, and hope you keep submiting more!

    Gracindo Jason Pereira
    AngryOutstanding use of delivery, it felt very steadily paced almost like it has its own pulse.
    Cool Smile

    Evocative and powerful.