Universal Constants

Sci-Fi Story written by AlexScribe on Saturday 19, May %1

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Everybody's an alien somewhere!

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"What the Hell do you mean, it's got a lawyer?" the Captain demanded, his normally pale complexion flaming into a brilliant flush. "Just that. He – or she, it or whatever – when I read its rights, at the part about being entitled to a phone call, it asks why. I say, joking like, oh, maybe you wanna call your lawyer. So it asks for the number of a good one and I toss it the phone book." The Sergeant shrugged, "It finally figures out how it's put together and scratches at it for a few minutes, then says it's ready for its call. Half hour later, that old souse, Attorney White, shows up, demands to see his client. In private." "And you let him?" the Captain's eyes bulged out so far they threatened to dislodge his glasses. "Shit, yes! I ain't getting reprimanded again for denying no son of a bitch his goddamned constitutional rights. Even if the bitch he's a son of probably is short an eye, got an extra ear, and not enough fingers, and her mouth where her asshole oughta be, just like him... It." "Oh, you idiot! Those rules don't apply to it; the constitution don't cover space quadrapussies. Or whatever the plural of 'puss' is." "Dunno – never had more than one at a time." "Very funny. Well, no matter how you say it, the rules don't apply." "Says you. The rules say illegal aliens, and it's illegal and for damn sure it's alien – don't matter where it comes from. You show me where it says that crap don't count if you're born on another planet, and I'll run that shyster outta here pronto." The Captain shook his head in disgust, "Of course it doesn't actually say that in those words, but use a little common sense..." "Common sense?" the Sergeant snorted, "Give me a break, Cap! How can you even talk about immigration law and common sense in the same breath?" "You've got a point there, Sarg. Maybe the phones have cleared up – Man, I'd love to dump this on immigration!" The Captain picked up the phone, muttering to himself, "Or the state police, the feds, or even the damn army. Anybody!" Even though the Sergeant realized the Captain hadn’t really been talking to him, he replied, “Well, immigration ain’t here and we ain’t even supposed to call them let alone hold anybody for them,” and he wandered out. Just as the Captain slammed the phone down in disgust, the Sergeant returned, closing the door behind himself. "Phones still out?" he asked. "Yeah," the Captain replied, "The operator tried every routing. It works fine in town, but no calls in or out, to anywhere. The damn lines must be down in both directions." "More than that. Wireless phones don't work either and the radio's dead, too; even satellite’s out – I just checked. Looks like our visitor wiped out a lot more than old farmer Brown's orchard: everything electronic in the whole state – maybe the whole country!" "Oh, shit,..." the Captain stopped, interrupted by the knock on his door, then yelled, "Come in, whoever, or whatever, the hell you are." The door opened and a short, fat, sloppy individual waddled in, clad in clothing obviously designed for a smaller body, a long time ago. "Good day, Captain. Just thought I'd say hello before I left with my client." Attorney White waved cordially and turned, starting to pull the door closed behind him. "Wha...? Wait a damn minute, shyster," the Captain sputtered,"What the hell do you mean you're leaving with your client? You ain't taking that... that thing nowhere!" The lawyer stopped and turned back, a look of bewilderment on his face, "Really, Captain? Why? What charge are you holding him on?" The Captain stared at the lawyer. "Illegal entry – what do you think? Plus all the damage the crash did." "Is that all?" "Yeah, that's all. For now." “You know as well as I do you shouldn’t have held him as long as you already have for an immigration violation, and the damage is a civil matter: there is no such crime as ‘reckless operation of a space vehicle,’” White replied. “Anyway, what do you expect the disposition of the ‘illegal entry’ charge to be?" he inquired sweetly. "Disposition? Same as always, it'll... Oh. Oh, shit!" "Precisely. Do you honestly believe immigration has any way to deport my client back to his country of origin?" "Well, it can use whatever the hell it used to get here. Just point that sucker back the other way and blast off!" "My client informs me that his... ah, medium of travel is no longer functional, which is how he ended up here in the first place. But, in any event, you should know deportees are not required to furnish their own transportation. So I ask again, do you or immigration have any way to deport my client back to his country of origin?" "Well, I mean – no. Hell, we don't even know where it came from." "Then, since the sole criminal charge against my client is ‘illegal entry’ and the only possible sanction is deportation – which you have just admitted nobody can effect – no one has any grounds to hold him, and I demand you release him immediately. Should you fail to do so, forthwith, I assure you the very first thing he will learn about our customs is how to file a lawsuit for violation of his civil rights." "But – but,... this don't make any sense. It's a alien, for Heaven's sake – a real alien, from another planet! I can't just let it walk right out of here." "More like hop out, I should say. And of course it doesn't make any sense – it's the law." White shrugged, then added, "I presume we're free to leave – or should I write down your badge numbers for the lawsuit? By the way Captain, my wife remarked just the other day on what a lovely home you have. I'm sure she'd enjoy living there; that should do nicely as my fee. Hmm, my client will be needing a home as well – where do you live, Sergeant?" The Captain stared helplessly, then shrugged mute acquiescence, picked up his phone and barked a brief command. The Sergeant chuckled as the lawyer shut the door behind himself. He was still chuckling a few moments later when the slap... slap sounds of a heavy man walking slowly went past the office door, accompanied by whish, rasp, thump... whish, rasp, thump. The Captain shook his head, still flushed an alarming shade of turquoise, uttered a sibilant stream of profanity, then, as was his wont when frustrated, removed his glasses and fiercely cleaned all three lenses with his lower inner working tentacles. The End
   

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  • Well, didn't expect that turn of events. I love how he couldn't be deported.
    - May 25 2018 23:05:37
    • Don! Welcome back to the place where everybody knows your name. Glad the eyes are working again.
      - May 26 2018 08:30:51
      • lol Good story. Nice twist at the end.
        - June 09 2018 19:00:59
        • This is an awesome read, however I am confused by the ending. Specifically, the last sentence.
          - July 07 2018 15:22:57
          • Thanks for the comment, Geneswifey. Guess I missed the mark a bit. As planned, the reader would think an alien had crashed on Earth until the ending revealed that it was actually a human who had crashed on an alien world. So very different and yet so much the same.
            - July 08 2018 00:32:27
            • The plot twist in the end was well done. I read it again after that. And I love how " the Captain's eyes bulged out so far they threatened
              to dislodge his glasses." Changed from a figure of speech to a actually action. The use of law still made it feel human in a way what is really well done.
              - July 10 2018 10:13:38
              • I saw the ending coming so I was not surprised because I am a huge fan of the outer limits. Regardless it was a good read and story. I like when readers get right into the action. I like the visuals too [the Captain's eyes bulged out so far they threatened to dislodge his glasses.] The argument on the alien was well deliberated. Good Job Smile
                - July 22 2018 20:06:06
                • This is a great short story! A very captivating read, although I had a hard time keeping up with some of the first paragraph. A few sentences really caught my eye, such as, "...flaming into a brilliant blush," and, "The door opened and a short, fat, sloppy individual waddled in, clad in
                  clothing obviously designed for a smaller body, a long time ago." Absolutely amazing imagery!
                  - February 09 2019 19:28:47