The Thief

Thriller written by SpringOnions on Monday 14, May 2018

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When a thief's work is interrupted how do they react?

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The Thief The last pin of the door lock clicked into place, the door opened and its hinges squeaked into the dead air. I walked inside, the wooden floor creaked under my weight, and I immediately regretted my decision to loot this place. A stench of mould and false love entered my unfortunate nostrils, a mountain of unwashed dishes had overtaken the once silver sink and a decrepit floral wallpaper was slowly creeping to the floor. I considered leaving and perhaps I should have, but trying times called for trying measures, including raiding this abominable place. I looked around, searching for a things worth taking. I pulled out drawers from the kitchen counter hoping to find a false bottom full of money or drugs but found none. The bedroom yielded six-hundred and fifty dollars from a poorly hidden hole in the mattress. This room was atrocious, bare plaster adorned the walls, old clothes with spots of mould created a carpet on the floor and a smell I dare not describe perforated my lungs. The longer I stayed the more I wanted to leave, but something forced me to stay, I was convinced that there was something else here worth taking. The illuminating gaze of a silver sedan’s headlights activated my body’s alarm system. I peered through musty blinds to see an angular and rugged couple walking toward the cabin, their long silhouettes meeting at their feet. The woman was loudly explaining the dysphoria of their relationship, while the man seemed too drunk to acknowledge her words. The adrenaline flooding my cardiovascular system was sending me conflicted commands; run to safety, and hide. I stood in place, frozen, fearful of the future and unsure of which move would ensure the king's survival. I finally make a panicked move toward the door but the raspy command of a drunk man asking for house keys advised me to hide instead. “Megan! The door is open. You left the door open you redheaded Idiot!” an audible gasp is heard before transitioning into an assault. “This is what I mean Sean! Whenever something doesn’t happen how you want, you attack someone else.” A heavy, uncontrolled gait starts sliding toward the bedroom “Are you even listening to me?” “Please just shut up,” “Okay I’ll stop talking about your volatile behaviour. How about I talk about how this apartment is rancid enough to keep the cockroaches away, how you humiliate me in front of my friends or what about the one-hundred and twenty thousand dollars you owe to the tax office by the end of the year.” The sound of contracting springs and a mattress pressing against my back sent a paralysing shock through my body. It barely phased me as muting my shaking lungs was my primary concern, other than escaping when the opportunity revealed itself. “I have the money, Megan.” “Then why haven’t you paid the bill yet?” An uncomfortable silence fell over the three of us and I was afraid my quivering breath had become apparent before the man simply responded with “I wanna hear you moan. Have sex with me.” “No Sean!” Megan said, her white sneakers backing into the hallway, “What is wrong with you?” The weight that pressed against me released as the man stood, his flaky, leather boots casting a long shadow over the woman’s white sneakers. The future was evident. As the marred couple exited the bedroom, screaming in fear and anger,
[right]
[/right]I clambered out from under the sodden bed and opened the window preparing my escape from this dire place. The smash of of glass and muted howl of pain made me hesitate. ‘Should I stay or go?’ The question troubled me, leaving now would ensure my unquestioned escape with six-hundred and fifty dollars while the other would almost certainly get me arrested. My body is telling me to free myself except my stomach which demands I answer the woman’s cry for help. I once again searched but this time not for my betterment, but this time for something that would save the life of that woman but my time is cut short by the hair raising scream of a woman. I went toward the living room. As I approached the shadow cladden couple my body screamed, urging me to turn away, to leave while I still had the chance, and I should have as, it still scares me to this day. I turned on the lights and laying in front of me was a river of blood originating from the arm of a restrained woman writhing in pain. Her arm could barely be called that anymore, it had become a fusion of wine glass and flesh, and all the drops of my confidence had just dried up. The man looks at me with a toothy red grin and says “Run.” This was a school project that I haven't bothered to edit yet, but I thought was interesting. Sorry if it was a bit shoddy but I hope you enjoyed.
   

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    Well, Spring, it is interesting but would be more so if it had a little editing. OK, maybe a lot of editing.

    '... clicked into place, [then] the door opened...' '... to stay, I was convinced...'
    Comma splices: 2 complete sentences shouldn't be joined by a comma. Exception: the 2nd & 3rd sentences in the story are OK because each is a list of items - sentences - separated by commas (although the 3rd lacks the Oxford comma).
    '... ensure the king[']s survival.'

    dysphoria / my cardiovascular system It's tempting to use all your unusual words - otherwise, what's the use of an extensive vocabulary? - but you need to consider the type of story and the circumstances within the story. Stilted language seldom works in this kind of story, especially in an an action scene.

    '... commands; run to safety, and hide.' ; s/b : & confusing as 'run to safety & hide' c/b one option - maybe replace 'and ' with 'or'.
    '... I finally make a panicked...' Switch to present tense & back to past disruptive: seldom works.

    The story flowed pretty well until the non-ending which seemed as if you looked at the clock and realized you had only two minutes before you had to turn in your paper. 3rd paragraph from the end: 'woman' overused.

    Remember to double-space to separate paragraphs on this site.

    P.S. I comment on your writing as I read it with no quarter given because you're a precocious teenager. Thanks for your comments on mine. I especially appreciate criticism: complements help us feel better; criticisms help us write better. Write on.
    Thanks Alex
    As I said I hadn't edited it yet. But I will! Probably once my teacher marks it and I also get her feedback.
    I'll make sure to fix the ending as I wasn't a fan either and apparently I like smashing sentences together with commas because I dis that in my last story as well. I'll have to keep an eye out.
    When you post without editing you kind of cheat yourself. The comments you get will be mostly about things you already know, from which you will learn little. If you post a writing in the best condition you can possibly make it, then comments (beyond the 'great story' kind) may reveal new things or at least encourage you to think, and help you become a better writer.
    lol C'mon, Alex, tell us how you really feel. Cool

    You've got an interesting plot here. But you have some rough sentences that need cleaning. For instance:

    "Her arm could barely be called that anymore, it had become a fusion of wine glass and flesh, and all the drops of my confidence had just dried up. The man looks at me with a toothy red grin and says “Run.” "

    This is really rough. What I mean by cleaning is getting rid of the unnecessary words to make a strong coherent statement. Try this on for size:

    "Her arm could hardly be called an arm. It was a fusion of wine, glass, and flesh. All of my confidence had evaporated. The man looked at me with a toothy, red grin and said, 'Run!' "
    Sorry I was too subtle for you, KT. A few more nits, Spring:

    '... for a things worth...' the 'a' or the 's' has got to go.
    '... barely phased me...' I think you mean 'fazed' here.
    '... As the marred couple...' Appropriate, but maybe you meant 'married' ?
    '... anger, ... I clambered...' Not sure what happened here.
    '... but this time not for my betterment,... but my time...' but but but time time time
    '... have as, it still scares me to this day.' awkward, poorly worded
    'The man looks at me with a toothy red grin and says[,] “Run.”' Present tense?

    Getting better. Write on.
    Good read. It flowed very well. I only saw 13 grammatical needs. It was a creative use of words. You drew a good picture with them for the reader to have a decent visual. I would have liked to know more about the thief and his character. It may have helped in the dilemma of should I stay and help the woman or run. Perhaps it was your intent to share that character choice when you did as opposed to setting it up. As your character had the dilemma it might be nice at that point to share something from his past.

    Why was he a thief?
    Why did he have a conscience?
    Was he into drugs because he looked for them, or just the value?
    Hey thanks, this story is a bit old by now. I have made an updated version though which I posted yesterday. If you like you could check that one out as well which you can read here; https://www.amateurwriting.net/infusions/writings/writings.php?view=writing&wid=5870