Poem written by Eyeshield21 on Saturday 12, May 2018

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First poem of mine

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I fought in a war With a gun and nothing more, Til the day I met you Cause you changed that war. It wasn't about killing and death But saving and bless. You saved my soul- With some words, And I saved yours- with a little bit more. That's why when they told me you're dead I sent them to hell, Cause I knew that you can't be dead Since my soul has not broken yet.

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    A good start, Eye, but needs work. My standard poetry disclaimer: I'm rather old fashioned when it comes to poetry: I actually favor Poe, Marvel, Coleridge, and the Roberts Frost and Service, to give you some idea. To me, even free verse should have a flow and rhythm when read aloud to distinguish it from spoken prose. And, while poetic license allows some deviations from proper language, there are limits. Some of what I comment on below exceeds those limits, in my opinion.

    Sometimes free verse rhymes without intent, as maybe in the first 4 lines, but here it seems as if you started to make a rhyming poem and then gave up.
    'Til[l] the day I've met you...' 'I've' doesn't work here - just 'I' maybe?
    Aloud, flows quite well until the last 4 lines: they convey a good thought but the wording needs help.

    With work, a good poem; maybe a great one - impressive since you're only 2 days old. Write on.
    Even if it is free verse, you still need a bit of punctuation. The punctuation would, in this case, suggest pace and timing.

    A bit dark. You could expand this to make it a bit of a thriller.
    Thank you for your suggestions. I will try and make it better.