Letters to the Effaced

Story written by SpringOnions on Wednesday 18, April 2018

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A young boy named Brennan writes a series of letters to his sick mother. He details his development over the year and questions why his mother won't respond. [I set myself a word constraint of ~500, but I think this could use some more development especially for the genre. (Who writes letters only 100words long anyways?)]

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Wednesday 25th December, 2002 Mama! I know you don’t like new technology, SMS, e-mails or anything of the sort. So I thought i’d write to you. It’s lonely here without you, dad works all day and I’m at home alone.Christmas was boring without you. This guitar is sick! I have no idea how to play but I’m glad you thought of me even though you were ill, I’ll learn how to play quickly and soon my serenading will make you better.
[right]Merry Christmas Your loving son
[/right] Saturday 4th January, 2003 Happy New Year! I hope the nurses decorated your ward nicely and everyone had a great time. Dad and I spent our New Year with the Tsuki’s, they were really nice. We ate sushi and tempura prawn from a bento box that Mrs Tsuki made us while we watched the fireworks, it was nice but I couldn’t help but feel like we shouldn’t be celebrating without you. I played “Wonderwall” for them and they all drunkenly appraised me.
Please respond to this letter, I miss you. Brennan
Monday 17th February, 2003 Dad won’t let me see you. It was your birthday on Sunday and he wouldn’t let me visit you, I made a cool card and everything! He doesn’t listen to me, he’s always working and now I can’t even wish you happy birthday! Did something happen between you two? I just want to see you! Why can’t I see you? I think I’m going to confront him and if he doesn’t let me see you, he won’t be seeing me for a long time. Do you think I could live with you at the hospital?
Why haven’t you responded? I love you
Tuesday 18th February, 2003 Mum, please don’t let me stay with him anymore. He locked me in my room, as soon as I mentioned your name he started crying and told me to shut up. What have I done wrong, Mama? Can I please come and see you, I’ll play you a song on the guitar. Sometimes I cry for hours thinking about you and the only thing that can calm me is this song, “Such Great Heights” the Iron and Wine version, I think you’d like it Mama. The Tsuki’s came over again with gifts, although I’m not sure why they’re crying too.
I miss you, why don’t you respond? Please come home.
Thursday 25th December, 2003 Mama I didn’t know you were dead. One year passes quickly when you don’t pay attention to it, and I barely made it without you. I found some pictures of you from high school with your guitar, is that why you wanted me to have one? Apparently you had cancer and didn’t tell anyone until you couldn’t hide it anymore. Dad kept all the letters I wrote, I don’t know why he didn’t tell me! I learnt how to play “Such Great Heights” and I play it whenever I think of you. I hope we meet again one day. So I can show you how well I can play.
Merry Christmas Your loving son

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    Spring, you present a very well written story. The format is unusual and effective. Technical errors didn't detract considering a child wrote it. Couple of unusual word uses for USA English (e.g. learnt) but then again, a child wrote it. Since it wasn't stated, I couldn't help wondering about the narrator: gender? age? I decided male, although I'm not sure why. As to age, there were contrary indications: anywhere from 6 to 16: the wording and structure varied greatly in maturity. That is not necessarily a negative and probably adds to the mystique.
    Re: your (probably rhetorical) question about 100 word letters: The profusion of twitterers probably considers 30 words a short story, 100 words a novel.
    Technical nits (if it were written by an adult, or even a literate teenager):
    Punctuation errors, mostly commas and comma splices.
    Omitted 'Oxford comma' several places (comma before conjunction before last item in list).
    Tsuki’s s/b Tsukis or Tsukies - plural not possessive as used here.

    Good story well presented. Write on.

    PS Just looked at your profile, realized you're a teenaged Aussie (hence 'learnt'Wink. Moved you up 2 spaces in my estimation. Very mature concept and presentation: hope it isn't autobiographical. Do continue writing -- everybody needs one addiction and writing is less likely than most to put you in the hospital or get you arrested, presuming you use a little discretion. Oops! For an Aussie, that is 'in hospital' with no 'the.'
    Good story. Nicely done.

    Now, this is up to you, but it is a thought. You sort of give the ending away around the middle of the story. May, just maybe, you want to confuse things a bit? Just a thought. Cool