The Chi Warrior Saga- Book 1

Story written by chancematthews01 on Tuesday 27, February 2018

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Chance Matthews 17 year old Martial Artist finds out that there is more to him then meets the eye

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Chapter 2 - A Fight Without Honor Part 2
"Then we have a deal." Michelle said "That we do." Chance said Chance walks up to the announcer and asked for the mic again, "Ladies and Gentleman, we have our round 3. This young lady, Michelle Xi has accepted my terms of the challenge and will finish the tournament with me with honor.  We are both from the same style, so this should be a match for the history books. So get your cameras ready," Chance turns to Michelle and asked, "Do you want to say anything to your teammates and fans out there?" "Actually Chance, I want to thank you for accepting my challenge. Even though I did not fair high enough in the scoring to meet you in the ring the right way, I have watched your career flourish. So fighting you is a great honor and a privilege.  So to my teammates, thank you for your support and to my fans out there, this one is for you." Michelle said The announcer and the ring official came back to the center of the ring. "OK, Ladies and Gents. Let's get ready for round 3. In honor of fairness, Chance has cut his points in half, so starting round 3 we are going into a tie. Michelle and Chance both have 25 points. The winner of the next round will be gain the title of Texas State Martial Arts Kumate Champion and walk away with the prize pot of 50,000 dollars and a beautiful trophy. As well as, a unnamed donor supplied a trip to Beijing China, to study with the Shoalin Monks. So take your positions in the center of the ring and we will commence on round 3." the announcer said. Chance looked over at Michelle and mouthed "Thank You." Michelle mouthed back "Your Welcome" The ring official approached Chance and Michelle, "Chance, Michelle, since you have both agreed on the terms of the challenge, the this last round will be up to you." Michelle spoke up, It will be a battle of the masculine style of the Dragon vs. The agility and the grace of  Eagle." "I second that." Chance said "OK, you two, turn and face me. Bow. Turn and face each other. Bow. Salute." The ring official says When the ring official moved out of the way, that signaled the bell to ring. Michelle, suddenly became a different person, there was more strength and power that was coming from her. Each strike and punch and kick more precise, like she was testing and toying with Chance.  Chance was on the defensive again. They were all over the ring. Flipping and punching, sweeping and throwing, jumping and kicking, it was like a elegant dance, but with a bite. When Chance saw the opening that  he needed, he went in took and control of the match. Chance, was driving Michelle back, and that was not an easy task.  Michelle, was quite good. Each punch and kick and strike, was placed with so much power, that you could even the rush of the wind as the gi's snapped and recoiled around Chance and Michelle.  They were actually evenly matched. In the end, Chance was too much for Michelle to handle and he was awarded the other 25 points. When the match was over and Chance was finally declared the winner, he went over to Michelle, that was nursing a hurt arm.  "Michelle, I don't know who you are, but you gave me the fight that I was looking for.  Thank you so much. I didn't hurt you too much did I?" Chance asked "No Chance you didn't. I told you not to go easy on me and well you didn't.  I should be the one thanking you." Michelle said "Think nothing of it. We have some photo ops for the magazines to do. They want a picture with the brave young woman, who came in second place, but almost beat her male opponent, and they want to do a story about you." Chance said "i'm not much into being written about Chance, but I will give them a quote.  "The Eagle, however majestic, will fight for survival." Michelle said.  "That's some quote. Who told you that?" Chance asked. "My Sensei, who is also my grandfather." Michelle said. "Well, can't keep the fans waiting. I am sorry that you won't do the interview, but I will pass along the quote." Chance said.  He turned and walked away. He had a sudden urge to turn around, which he did, and Michelle was gone, vanished out of thin air. "Who was that girl?" Chance thought to himself. Whoever it was, gave him the best fight of his young life, since he dawned on a white belt 10 years ago. End of Part 2

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    Welcome, Chance. MA stories aren't usually on my list, but here are a few typos I picked up. You need to proofread this and probably have somebody else do so also -- I'm much better at finding errors in the writings of others than in my own. If your intended audience is MA enthusiasts, OK, but if you want a more general readership this beginning may be far too long -- it is for me.
    '... more to him (then) [than] meets the eye' then refers to time
    '... have gone [on] to do great things,...'
    '... Sensei, Mr. Yomata [some punctuation needed here] even some of the kids...'
    '... Normally [,] Chance (, no comma here) hates to compete.' (As an aside, this doesn't make sense to me: if he doesn't like to compete, what does he like about MA - kicking air? Maybe you meant in contests or organized matches, but I didn't get that.)
    '... "(Your) [You're] studying way to hard [,] Chance.'

    Edit and proofread. Write on.
    Okay, chance, you do need a good edit on his story.

    Now, you have a good plot, but here is the issue. You use a lot of passive verbs. You want to use active verbs; it is, after all, an action story. I would go back thru this writing and make those changes.

    Also, I would trim this and rewrite it as two chapters. Chapter one; the competition.

    Chapter two, the attack at home.

    Chapter three, the conversion of Patrick and the meeting with evil.