This load of utter s*it contains profanity (that's swear words) and probably a load of other stuff that shouldn't be on here. Unfortunately I can't remember most of it so I'll give it an age classification of 44. Though,if you're 16 or over you probably won't suffer any lasting damage.
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So the reigning champ is defeated, ploughing the road for Switzerland’s Roger Federer to go on and win the most celebrated prize in tennis for a record eighth time. Now that’s an achievement, and he’s 35. Just shows how long you can last if you put your earnings in a bank. Saves all that strain on your hips, doesn’t it? Then again, the banks in Switzerland have an unrivalled reputation for security. Though, by tradition, it’s customers are supposed to be a bit dodgy. Yet, as far as I can see, the only thing dodgy about Roger is the fact that the multi-millionaire owns a cow.
Apparently it was a gift from the Swiss government after he won Wimbledon for the first time in 2004.
Yes, that twanged my ‘weird’ chord as well, Denizens. But not as much as when they gave him another one in 2013.
Still, it’s better than what Andy got, so I heard.
Apparently Britain’s first Wimbledon champ for 77 Years received a part in the new Highlander movie remake - playing the role of an Albanian rice cake vendor - and a gate in the Roman wall separating Scotland and England; the latter awarded by Lloyds of London in the vein hopes that Andy might bank with them.
‘Keep it on the hips, laddie,’ was the advice from his fellow Scots. Which Andy obviously heeded, hence the mess he finds himself in today.
However, since he wasn’t using it, the Scottish National Party, led by Nicola Sturgeon, promptly commandeered Andy’s gate and used it to launch a full scale invasion of England.
And wouldn’t William Wallace have been proud when the SNP pillaged a record 56 seats at the 2015 general election (50 more than they already held) only to lose 21 of them in this year’s election; a vote forced upon us by Britain’s second female prime minister, Theresa May.
Of course, the decision to actually hold an entirely unnecessary election was born of undiluted arrogance and the belief that Theresa thought she was Margaret Thatcher (Britain’s first, female, three term-winning and working class-hating prime minister).
The fact that Mrs May lost the Conservatives an outright majority in parliament and was forced to lick some Irish arse to maintain a tenuous grip on power just compounds her superciliousness.
I wonder what Roger Federer named his two cows?
Anyway, enough segueing. Back to Andy’s hips (which, if taken out of context, sounds like something Simon from the Anywhere But agency might say. Oh, erm……not that I would know, of course. Or that I’m close to anyone called Simon. Or that I’ve ever contacted the Anywhere But agency. Or…or. Oh, shite.
YOU TWAT, MALCOLM!