This load of utter s*it contains profanity (that's swear words) and probably a load of other stuff that shouldn't be on here. Unfortunately I can't remember most of it so I'll give it an age classification of 44. Though,if you're 16 or over you probably won't suffer any lasting damage.
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On the 12th July, Scotland’s, Andy Murray limped out of the championships with yet another injury. Of course, it’s no secret that injury has been a frequent companion of Scotland’s favourite son throughout his career. Yet - unlike most players from the British isles - he still managed to avoid being utterly crap at tennis and rise to the lofty heights of Wimbledon champion and world number one.
But now he’s Scottish again after surrendering his title at the behest of a dodgy hip which was, in turn, caused by the huge wads of cash he carries around in his pockets.
Like most Scots that money rarely leaves those trousers, so I suppose Andy’s pelvic tumult is no great shock really and, one might say, self inflicted.
I mean, call me a potato, but wouldn’t you have thought after winning Wimbledon and attaining ‘Britishness’ that Mr Murray might have put all that cash in a bank? He didn‘t even have to use a Scottish one, did he? I mean, who would given the risk of robbery at the hands of the wild ‘Picts’ who so troubled the Romans? With his hard-won Britishness he could have dumped it in London alongside all our incorruptible leaders. Then again, with ‘Brexit’ on the horizon, perhaps Andy was worried that the government might dip into his hard-earned lucre, ala Greece.
But whatever the reason, Andy’s hips appear to be ruined and we must ask ourselves if, at the age of thirty, the three time BBC sports personality of the year’s days as a champion are numbered?
Well, his reign as Sports Personality of the year is certainly fcuked. If only by virtue that we’ve all finally realised he doesn’t actually have one (an absence that is all too often glossed over in winners. Whilst they’re winning, of course).
Andy’s personality was apparently traded, along with his sense of humour, by a midgety fella called Rumple Stiltskin who offered success in sport for a slice of his soul. ‘Deal’ Andy said and - safe in the knowledge that Billy Connelly accounted for the entire humour quotient of Scotland anyway and that personalities were just something girls ignored in favour of hip-bulges - happily handed them over.
And while we’re on the subject of trading, it seems that another famous go-getter made a similar deal with our pal, Rumple back in the 80’s. This bloke traded his hair and integrity for humour and personality. Unfortunately, Rumple only had Andy’s at the time* so that’s what Donald Trump got.
*Some of you (if anyone is still reading this, that is) might be wondering about the 41 year age gap between Andy Murray and president Trump and how Rumple could award Donald the humour and personality of someone yet to be born when the deal was struck in 1986.
Well, obviously Mr Stiltskin is a time traveller. I did emphasize the word might. I didn’t really think anyone would be wondering. It’s pretty fcuking obvious.
So Donald Trump is actually part Scottish? That would explain why he never spends his own money, I suppose. But what about that Stiltskin, eh? What a little so and so. I thought the Scots were all dour and English-hating because of the weather and those huge walls the Romans built to keep them out of England. Now it looks like it was neither. Instead it was old Rumple swindling them out of their personalities.
I wonder what most of them got in return to make them so disgruntled? Got to be Haggis hasn’t it. Or a part as an extra in the movie Highlander; the film that showcased the beautiful place that is Scotland yet insisted on everyone in it being from anywhere but.*
Anywhere But is not a place, Don. I might make up the occasional word, as you’re so fond of telling everyone, but never places. Besides, ‘Anywhere But’ sounds like a rent boy agency.
Speaking of Highlander the guy who played the lead part was just a ‘little bit’ bogus, don’t you think? I mean, there he is, Connor McLeod - a.k.a. Christopher Lambert - landing the role of ‘The Scottish Highlander’ via the circuitous route of America, Holland and France. Given this eclectic mix it wasn’t much of a shock when his dominantly French accent pretty much fcuked his chances of a realistic Scottish one was it?
But, for those of you who haven’t seen Highlander, don’t despair. The cult classic is not totally without genuine Scottish vernacular (and I don’t mean Terry’s out of Emmerdale: his was shite). No, Scotland’s most famous export, Sean Connery saved the day, exuding Scottishness in his role as an Egyptian Spaniard.
Having said all that, our Mr McLeod still went on to save the day and win the prize. Unlike his fellow Scot Andy Murray, of course. Which kind of brings us back to the point.
(Thank fcuk, I was wondering when something would).