The Case Of The Lady In Red

Description
A crime rhyme... of a sort.This writing has been rated by 1 members, resulting in a rating of 94.6% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results: | |
Concept/Plot: | 90% |
Imagery: | 90% |
Spelling & Grammar: | 98% |
Flow/Rhythm: | 100% |
Vocabulary: | 95% |
The Case Of The Lady In Red
My name is Smith.
That’s Smith N. Wesson.
I’m a licensed P I,
And I carry a big gun.
This case started on a Tuesday,
When she walked into my life.
The dame dressed in red;
Probably some rich sap's wife.
I asked her the usual questions,
“OK sister, what’s the Caper?”
She tossed a bundle on my desk,
It was a first edition newspaper.
I turned it around,
And there circled in red.
Was a story on a missing scientist.
It read ‘presumed dead.’
I looked up to said dame,
As she began to cry.
“Oh please can you help me?”
Her chest heaved in a sigh.
My gut told me her water-works,
Was nothing more than a show.
I set that fact aside though,
As she tossed me a wad of dough.
That’s a lot of presidents, I mused,
And hoped there were more.
That’s when my partner, Jack,
He came walking through the door.
“Hi ya Mac,” he began,
Until he saw the gal in red.
The rest of he greeting,
It just went unsaid.
“What do we have here?” he asked.
His eyes traveling up, then down.
The look on his face I noted,
Looking more a circus clown.
I grinned and rolled my eyes,
Pointing over to the dame.
“I was just getting to that,” I said.
“So sister, what’s the game?”
Red, she looked,
From me, then to Jack.
Jack was still grinning,
His eyes still on her rack.
With a huff,
She returned her attention my way.
“I want you to find him,” she said.
“Can you start right away?”
I leaned back in my chair,
And nodded my head.
“We’ll take your case toots.”
The case of the lady in red.
The only thing is there are a few grammatical mistakes.
"He came He came walking through the door." I'm not sure if the double "He came" was intended or not.
"The ret of he greeting" This was the only other one I saw.
Overall, I adored this. I want to read more from the lady in red and the detectives
“OK sister, what’s the Caper?”
“Oh please, can you help me?”
“What do we have here?,” he asked
“I was just getting to that” ,I said.
You must have been in a hurry. Good storytelling though.
I'm going to need more on that line. I seem to be missing the error.