The Case Of The Lady In Red

Sonnet written by pirate60 on Sunday 15, May %2

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Description
A crime rhyme... of a sort.

Overall Rating: 94.6%

This writing has been rated by 1 members, resulting in a rating of 94.6% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:90%
Imagery:90%
Spelling & Grammar:98%
Flow/Rhythm:100%
Vocabulary:95%
The Case Of The Lady In Red My name is Smith. That’s Smith N. Wesson. I’m a licensed P I, And I carry a big gun. This case started on a Tuesday, When she walked into my life. The dame dressed in red; Probably some rich sap's wife. I asked her the usual questions, “OK sister, what’s the Caper?” She tossed a bundle on my desk, It was a first edition newspaper. I turned it around, And there circled in red. Was a story on a missing scientist. It read ‘presumed dead.’ I looked up to said dame, As she began to cry. “Oh please can you help me?” Her chest heaved in a sigh. My gut told me her water-works, Was nothing more than a show. I set that fact aside though, As she tossed me a wad of dough. That’s a lot of presidents, I mused, And hoped there were more. That’s when my partner, Jack, He came walking through the door. “Hi ya Mac,” he began, Until he saw the gal in red. The rest of he greeting, It just went unsaid. “What do we have here?” he asked. His eyes traveling up, then down. The look on his face I noted, Looking more a circus clown. I grinned and rolled my eyes, Pointing over to the dame. “I was just getting to that,” I said. “So sister, what’s the game?” Red, she looked, From me, then to Jack. Jack was still grinning, His eyes still on her rack. With a huff, She returned her attention my way. “I want you to find him,” she said. “Can you start right away?” I leaned back in my chair, And nodded my head. “We’ll take your case toots.” The case of the lady in red.
   

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  • I was actually highly entertained by this. The whole concept, the imagery, everything was spot on.
    The only thing is there are a few grammatical mistakes.
    "He came He came walking through the door." I'm not sure if the double "He came" was intended or not.
    "The ret of he greeting" This was the only other one I saw.

    Overall, I adored this. I want to read more from the lady in red and the detectives Smile
    - May 17 2016 23:54:44
    • Probably some rich sap's wife
      “OK sister, what’s the Caper?”
      “Oh please, can you help me?”
      “What do we have here?,” he asked
      “I was just getting to that” ,I said.

      You must have been in a hurry. Good storytelling though.
      - May 18 2016 16:44:08
      • Maybe a little hurried. lol. This was more of an idea that came to me and I banged it out just before work. I should have gone back over it when I got home. All errors are noted and will be fixed. My thanks to you both.
        - May 18 2016 21:29:11
        • It was entertaining, but the rhyme scheme kept reminding me of the "Night Before Christmas".
          - May 20 2016 23:45:55
          • @ ludditelamb That is understandable as this is done in a Sonnet rhyme AB CB. This work is actually me toying around with the concept of a book story done in rhyme, similar to a ballad but not. The errors were just me not giving it a good look-over. I'll get to fixing the mistakes after I finish the two other scenes/chapters. It's funny that you chose the book, 'It was the night before Christmas', as your comparison. Have a look on Amazon at the book called similarly 'It was the night before Christmas and down the hall'. LOL Ironic Aye?
            - May 21 2016 21:19:50
            • OK. I think I fixed all the errors.
              - May 25 2016 16:45:24
              • Probably some rich sap's wife- think this is correct. Still, good work.
                - May 26 2016 18:21:46
                • @Don I'm going to need more on that line. I seem to be missing the error.
                  - May 27 2016 21:29:44
                  • lol Really good, pirate. I enjoyed it!
                    - May 30 2016 20:37:24
                    • nice rhymes. I like the narrative.
                      - June 02 2016 21:25:53