Story written by Don Roble on Wednesday 15, April 2015

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Stunt Man

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Duke finished strapping on his artificial leg. As he tightened the Velcro straps he said a silent thank you to it"s inventor. He was able to do it with one hand, which was helpful since he only had one. He had two but only one was real. The other was plastic and stainless steel. He checked to make sure his glass eye looked OK. It did, for once. He was ready to go out and perform. Duke was billed as "The Duke of Excitement." Pretty clever. Not as good as Evel Knevel but at least the Duke didn"t have as many broken bones as Evel had. The Duke didn"t have as many bones to break as Evel Knevel. He used to but, what with the loss of a limb here and a limb there, he just didn"t have the numbers now. Tonight the Duke would be doing his whole show. The payday was very nice here at the county fair. He"d do the usual jump over cars routine. The last car was a van. The crowd loved it. They really loved it when he hit the van. Duke only did that at the big shows. Then he"d try again and clear it. The fans would go nuts, which they were anyway. So was Duke. He lost his hand that way. Poor timing, that"s all. Next, he"d do the jump through fire thing. That was a gimme. It looked difficult and brave but was actually easy and foolish. The Duke had never lost a limb or broken anything with that stunt. He had lost a couple of sets of eyebrows and no longer had a beard because of it. In fact, he no longer could grow a beard because of it. Well, saves on shaving cream and time. Looked like the dickens though. He'd give the crowd a couple of false starts to work them up. He"d slide his bike along the ground a time or two. He"d put on a show! Have to stay alert and not be daydreaming. That cost him the leg and a good set of leathers. Leathers are too expensive to waste. If the crowd was responsive enough he do a triple roll for them. He had to check and double check the wind. Otherwise he'd come down upside down. One steel plate was enough for anyone"s lifetime and Duke had three. He had more steel in his head than bone. One more plate and he wouldn"t even need to wear a helmet. He"d just paint his logo on his head. Maybe get it etched on. Cool! The Duke always got his money up front. He did that ever since the time he woke up in the hospital and couldn"t remember if he"d been paid or not. The promoter said he"d been paid but Duke wasn"t sure. He wasn"t positive who he was either but that was OK. The money was the thing. He wasn"t doing motorcycle stunts for his health, now was he? One of Duke"s wives, probably number three, the witch with the big mouth and butt to match, once called him, "The walking death wish." What she didn"t realize was that she was right but he wasn"t wishing for his death. He liked number two the best. She left because she didn"t want to, 'be the one to scrape him into a plastic bag for the tree lawn." Yea, number two, what was her name?, she was the best. Great sense of humor, old whatshername or number. Great gal. Duke limped over to his bike. He ought to take some money and get a lighter foot made. Maybe that high impact plastic stuff. High impact would always be a good thing for him to have since it was something he did a little too often. The crowd roared as he was introduced. They hollered and screamed. They yelled out and threw things. You"d think this was a rasslin match or a hockey game. The crowd was ready to rock. The crowd wanted to see the Duke do the rolling. The crowd was up! The crowd wanted to see blood, preferably the Duke"s. The Duke looked down the lane at the parked cars and the one van. It seems a long way to jump. Wonder if the promoter added a couple of cars to the lineup? Duke couldn"t see well enough to count them. Maybe the Duke was just getting too old for this crap. Now, there"s a thought. Maybe he should look up number two and see if the spark was still there. He could retire. Maybe buy a chicken farm or something like that. Something safe and sensible. Nah, being cheered by a bunch of chickens for tossing feed around wasn"t going to replace the roar of the crowd. The Duke knew in that instant that he"d do this until he died. Probably be why he died for that matter. The Duke roared down the lane and went up the ramp. He and the bike flew through the air like a bird. The thing is, a bird is supposed to fly through the air. A man on a motorcycle isn"t. Tonight, the Duke and the motorcycle both flew through the air but not together. The Duke opened his eyes, well, his eye and heard the crowd screaming. They yelled out for more but they weren"t going to get more. The Duke was finished for the night. He was told to lie still until the ambulance got there. He was told that the bleeding was under control and the leg only looked a little broken. Duke hoped it was his artificial one. The promoter bent down to the Duke with a look of deep concern on his face. The Duke was touched. The promoter shook his head and said, "Now, remember, boy, I already paid you."

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    Ouch! that ending hurt! So much for the Evel and Robbie Knievel lifestyle!
    Couldn't stop giggling Don. Another hilarious one.
    Now i see what the other den writers mean when they speak of your humor. Another great piece.