DescriptionThe many annoyances of life...
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That feeling. Why isn't there an instruction manual on how to get rid of that feeling? I guess if there was one, I'd be the person to some how screw the directions up. Whenever I put together one of those, "assemble yourself" projects, there always seem to be one too many parts left over... explains why I always need duck tape. "Wanna get coffee?" I look up and see Denise, my co worker, hovering over me. "Huh?" "Coffee... wanna get coffee? Girl, youz in a daydream," Denise laughs. "I'll go with you, but I gave it up." "Again?" Denise rolls her eyes. "Hey, I can give up coffee, already on my 2nd week." As we take the elevator to the main lobby, Denise, being the good friend that she is, begins to point out every time I have failed at the attempt. I wonder if Denise notices how anxious I've been lately. When did it start? I told myself I wouldn't get to this place again, but here I am. Sometimes I just want to slap myself around till stupidity runs like a coward, away from my existence. Possible, except for the imagery of a straight jacket dawning my oh so perfect figure. Figure. Of course I had to bring up the F word, another topic that's a pain in my ass. Did I mention how much I hate my ass? Curvy, is what people are calling it these days. Body confidence is the new awareness being spotlighted. Good for them, I say! We need to start loving our bodies more. I almost believe it too, until flashbacks of this mornings debacle of me trying on 7 pairs of pants, to the find the one that makes my ass look anything but what it really is, snaps me out of the, "love your ass and own it," mantra. Ah, who am I kidding. Confidence is another word for delusion in my book. "Ha ha, Henry you know I got a man," I hear Denise say. Henry.... Well, someone has to be the office pervert. Shit, where's my phone? Great, why do we females choose to have such big purses? Found it, now to pretend... "So Carol, you going to Dave's BBQ shin ding this weekend?" ...too late. "Not sure." "Well, if you decide to go we can carpool together." I gaze at Henry with the fakest smile any plastic surgeon would be proud of, and say, "I'll have to pass, but thanks for the offer, busy weekend." "I'm gonna get you to go out with me someday, you watch." I'd rather glue my eyelids shut before I ever watch that picture from hell. "Hey guys, how's it going?" Just then, Dave walks up. ...and so does that annoying feeling. My lovely hands decide now is the time to moisturize? This entails the dropping of my phone. Thanks hands... body confidence be damned, I clumsily pick my phone up as everyone watches me stumble through the process. "Can't wait till the BBQ, want me to bring anything?" Henry says, a little too desperately. "Nope, it's all taken care of, just got to BYOB." Damn, is he? ...O.K. be calm. What the hell? High school was over a long time ago. Get a hold of yourself. I watch Dave's perfectly shaped lips part as he starts forming words. The whole scene feels like a slow mo movie. Wait... does my voice sound slow mo deep? "Coming to the BBQ Carol?" Just as I am about to answer, hoping my voice sounds more seductive then slow mo, Henry pipes in. "She has a busy weekend, but I'm hoping she changes her pretty little mind." ...and there it is, the awkward silence, followed by... Did he just call my mind little? Damn you Henry!! Let's see, how many pieces do I need to cut Henry's body into to fit in my Styrofoam ice chest? He's kind of tall, it'll take work, but... "Well I'm about to get a caffeine headache if I don't get me some coffee," Denise interrupts, " We'll talk to you guys later." Just like that, it's over. Of course I want to watch Dave walk away in those nicely fit pants, but I'm not ready to take the office pervert label away from Henry. He's doing such a great job, why ruin his year? We get to the coffee shop, and my damn hands are still sweating. What the hell is wrong with me? Dave's cute face is still bouncing around my caffeine deprived head as if he owns it. I'm too old for this shit. I think I'll go target practicing this weekend. The word, "that feeling," printed on a piece of paper would be a nice target. On second thought, aiming at a picture of Henry would be much more satisfying. "What are you ladies having today?" "I'm gonna have a triple shot, vanilla latte." I try to ignore Denise chuckling behind me, as I lay my 6 bucks on the counter.