Knaves Gamble 25

Fantasy written by Vermithrax on Monday 4, April 2011

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My indulgence

Overall Rating: 95.7%

This writing has been rated by 2 members, resulting in a rating of 95.7% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Spelling & Grammar:95%

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    Needs grammar work. "Laid" instead of lay in that past tense sentence on first paragraph. Among other ones (i.e. "I seen" instead of I've seen or I have seen).

    Time structures : "As soon as we were clear of the town, I'd struck out ..."

    The concept is good but it needs to be more specific, I think that you over do it in the quest to use as many adjectives as possible.

    The sky was filled with snow, but then later it's overcast? Also, the sun is dawning on them but a couple paragraphs later it's just a vague "lightning" (?). Last, the day is barely starting and he's already contemplating being in the dark.

    You get the idea. I only read first page sorry, too long for me.
    @ desertrat; 'lay' is perfectly correct, in the context in which it is used.

    No; I do not get the, 'idea.'

    You might like to try the previous 150,000 plus words, and get a more comprehensive idea of the story structure?

    Also, you've probably never been in British weather? Smile

    The concept has evolved over two decades, a first book, and 85,000 word that are posted here. (145,000 in the first book)

    I tend to read an entire submission, before reviewing and rating. How can a mere chapter be too long?
    You mean this is correct?

    "It spread, and lay across the sky in a shroud."

    I think it should say "laid."

    Anyhow yeah sorry, most of us don't read chapters that long. Not on a computer screen that is.

    I did not rate it, for the record.
    Good for you guys. I personally don't have the time or will to go through more than one page, maybe two if it's really interesting.

    I think that writings should be brief but hey that's just me. I have books that I read at home and textbooks at school, etc. So it is very hard for a busy person to make the time.

    I know I am not the only one that feels like that, but people here are afraid to voice out their true feelings.

    It is your work and I respect it. Just my humble point of view from this side of the pond.
    Verm- I really liked it. It did take me a minute to finish it all between dinner, working and the like, but it was interesting! But, I think I need to go back and read the first part lol. I'll be reading that tomorrow!

    But, based on what I have read here, I think I am going to like it.

    Desert- There are a lot of short stories and flash fiction stories on this site, and I find most of them very enjoyable. But, most things that say 'story' do tend t obe a little on the longer side. And, a lot of us do like to write longer things. For me, it's about developing a whole character over time, not just an emotion that the character is feeling. But, I do also write short stories lol. To each their own, right? Grin
    @Jadedjaded Did you read it all or not? First you said it took you a minute to finish it all between work and dinner(?).

    Now you have to re-read the first part? Which one is it? This is precisely the non-sense, trying-to-be-nice bs that I think is killing this website.
    the first part as in, book one? It clearly says book two. Why d oyou have to be so rude? I was trying to be nice to YOU, not to Verm, since it seems all you want to do is start trouble.

    And yes, being the busy person that I am, I often start something and have to read it through out the day because I have homework/class/cleaning/work/dinner to make/chores to do.
    Because I see now that I missed about 24+ chapters before this one...

    Maybe you need me to be more clear... 'I need to go back and read the first 24+ chapters so I can understand what is happening in its context.' Better?

    And I never said re-read...for the record.
    Well, I will avoid the silly and pointless argument. Anyhow, Verm -
    above us that were capable of much the same feats. - Should feat be singular here? I think so.

    'So are there any specific lotions?' - I think you mean locations, not lotions.

    You've got a few small glitches that need fixing, but, otherwise, it is moving along very well indeed.

    To jadejade and DesertRat - Yes, this is a very long novel, with quite a bit of rich detail and very direct but long plot. I suggest you read some of the previous chapters before you rate this.
    Also, there are differences between American English and British English. I know; in high school we had a Bandmaster, not a director or conductor. And yes, he was English.

    Yes, I am going to be working on reading the other chapters to this over the next week or so after I put up Chuck's new chaptr in the next few days lol.