Equality Pondherrings.

Prose written by Rob Kosy on Saturday 5, February 2011

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Description
Another look at a current news-worthy item, inspired by a moribund fish.

Overall Rating: 94.9%

This writing has been rated by 4 members, resulting in a rating of 94.9% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:

Concept/Plot:95.75%
Imagery:94.5%
Spelling & Grammar:94%
Flow/Rhythm:95.5%
Vocabulary:94.75%
It must be said, though, that Mr Keys has much more of an excuse for his behaviour than Andy Gray. Richard is forced to co-exist with his caterpillars and therefore is subject to thrice the amount of testosterone coursing through his system. And let me tell you, caterpillars are not exactly paragons of equal opportunity. They are the most selfish and promiscuous of insects*. The females will roll over and open their feelers for anyone. A provocative, humping-crawl here, a heart-shaped leaf-nibble there......... Sluts, the lot of them. *I just know that one of you out there is going to hit me with the time-worn fallacy that caterpillars do not mate. Well, smart arse, that's where you're wrong. Why? You just are........ALL RIGHT! And, of course, the men fall for it. But they aren't much better themselves. They revel in the Godlessness around them, hopping from one slut-laden leaf to another in their insatiable search for snatch. The famous kids story 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' was about one such bloke. Apparently, the protagonist (Dave, his name was, though it was never mentioned in the book lest the real story come out), had a wife and 2000 kids. But that didn't stop the randy little sod. My Herring learned that the Insect Child Support Agency was onto him and, since caterpillars don't earn money, the ICSA had demanded a minimum payment of one lettuce leaf per week to each of his children. Yes, I know lads, how the hell was he supposed to live? But what happened when Dave wandered into that treasure trove of grub? Did he save any for his poor kids? Did he shite! Instead the selfish little twat gorged himself sick. Then, compounding his profligacy, he wandered down to his local pub, 'The Chrysalis', got absolutely shit-faced, slept it off then pissed off on his mate's hand glider, never to be seen again. The omission of these salient points seems to be a glaring error on the part of Dave's biographer, Eric Carl. A kick in the teeth to all responsible fathers, I think. Shame on you, Eric. But I digress. Since Richard Keys is infused with triple the amount of Testosterone than the average bear, he is obviously more predisposed than the rest of us to the base male instincts; aggression and a desire for sex. Of course, since he isn't exactly a dream boat in the looks department, Richard's sex drive (and his lack of opportunity to ride it) simply heightens his hostility, resulting in comments like the ones which landed him in this mess.
   

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Comments

    Awesome; digressive; intellectual; mental; rambling - I loved this!!

    Mr Kosy, take a bow - You seem to be the last bastion of male chauvinism.

    I applaud thee! (or. maybe,- I just missed the point completely?)

    whatever; this was a joy - from first word, to the last.
    Thank you, Verm. You are always an inspiration.

    Chauvinism, for me, is merely a conduit for Mr Funny to express himself (at least I HOPE he's funny. sometimes, when you've stared at this screen for so long you just don't know anymore).

    I'm probably one of the least sexist blokes you could meet. I just find the battle for equality (if it even exists anymore) too much of an hilarity platform.

    It's the Alf Garnet in me.
    Exceptional! I loved every line, sexpecially the very wonderful literary analysix of 'wanker.'

    Well done!
    kt, 'sexpecially', 'analysix'?

    Damn, I wish I'd thought of those. You are a dark horse.
    Mental? Probably.

    Genius? Definitely!

    Great work Rob. Extremely funny stuff.
    How did I miss this!? This beautifully-written masterpiece of studied silliness begins as a serious and considered ponder, and I was with you right up to the word 'caterpillar'. Then, I venture to submit, the 'E' fully kicked in, the herrings began morris-dancing and all hell is let loose. Scarily clever and funny. I must start reading The Daily Sport.Grin
    Savage, my friend, sometimes your comments are funnier than the work you review. Thank you very much Sinsei (I've spelled that wrong haven't I?) An appraisal like that from savage_pratchet makes my day.

    Oh, by the way Mr G, I think you got the first two lines of your comment mixed up. It should start, 'Mental? Definitely!' I didn't even know I'd written this until I woke up and the elves had left me a new pair of shoes atop my keyboard. Apparently they're branching out into amateur writing.